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Twenty Six

Harry Styles

I shoot up from my bed in a cold sweat, awakening from a dream that consisted of an instant replay of the horrible events of my life up until now. That's definitely not what I needed to start this already horrible day. Not at all.

It's Thomas' birthday.

Flashes of Ruby and I's childhood haunt me and play in abrupt flashes every time I close my eyes, the vivid images making my head pound. I resort to staring at my ceiling to deal, the action not doing much but being a sense of familiarity in this all.

This is one of the only days a year where I can't seem to stop myself from thinking about it. It's always in the back of my mind, but today, I let it have its place front and center. I let myself get consumed by the feeling it gives me, this being the day I let every feeling I keep bottled up spill out of me in some undecided but always unhealthy way.

He never goes away.

No matter how much I avoid anything that has to do with the foul man, there's always some kind of stupid reminder of him that gets to me a handful of times every year. This day is one of those incessant cues that takes me back to my horrible childhood whether I like it or not.

I haven't seen him nor known where he was since I took Ruby and got the hell out of that house the day I turned 18. No calls, no unpleasant visits, no texts, nothing but complete silence. It's not like I made it easy for him to contact us with our new numbers and detachment from anything to do with his name, but I still figured he would've found a way to by now.

I'm grateful for his absence, but pathetically enough, I would feel a bit safer if I knew where he was so I could have an idea of what places I need to avoid. His obsessive nature makes him more likely to track where I am at all times without my knowledge. The fame doesn't help, making access to my location all the more easy for him to pertain.

I just hope he's let go of it all and done something else with his life. This unsure pit in my stomach forces me to assume the worst, though. He's too insane to ever be predictable, his hate for my success making some form of tracking very likely.

For all I know, he could be watching me right now.

His voice rings in my ears, the scars on my body tingling and the memories of what he did to Ruby and I for years on end flooding my subconscious. I don't know how to make it stop. I never have.

I will forever hate my mother for leaving Ruby and I with him the second she gave birth to her second child. I was only six. Ruby never even got to meet her. She simply ditched us with one of the most vile and evil men to graze the earth. No memorable goodbye, no attempt to save us, nothing.

How can you care that little about your own children?

I stand up with my sweat covered shaky body after at least an hour of staring at the ceiling and letting the debilitating memories completely consume me. I quickly force myself to shower since I smell like absolute shit from sweating all night.

I slept through the majority of the day. It's already 6:00 pm. I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm used to being around Ruby right now, but I can't be, and that's probably for the best. I feel like my mind is going against me, and I would be too much of a burden to her if she were here. She needs to use today as a healing day by herself. I'm the older brother. No more taking care of me.

I throw on some black sweats and a black hoodie, trudging down the stairs and running a hand through my dripping hair. I put some coffee on and guzzle down the whole pot, feeling extra in need of it recently due to the lack of cocaine in my system.