Only Fools

Chapter Twenty Six

As my eyes flutter open, I can't help but feel like there's a strange absence beside me. As I roll over and face an empty bed, I realize why. Sitting up, I rub my eyes groggily before noticing a note on the bed next to me where Margot was just hours ago.

Aspen,
A couple things. One, did you know that you drool in your sleep? It's both cute and absolutely disgusting. Two, Ivy kept texting you right after you went to sleep and I didn't want to wake you so I just texted her and told her that you were ok. Three, I just hope you're feeling better. I wish I could've stayed for longer but it is Christmas Eve. So four, happy Christmas Eve? Whatever. Text or call me if you need anything else.
- Margot

The note sets off so many thoughts in my head that I nearly have trouble choosing which ones to focus on: the memory of the kiss, the pain from those memories, the memories Margot and I made that were a decent attempt to cover up the pain, the fruitless hope that Ivy texting me represents a type of love despite my knowledge that this love has been clearly displayed as absent, the realization that it is in fact Christmas Eve.

And so I try to focus on the most positive, as that's what most people would tell you to do isn't it? Think positive.

Margot's laugh is the first thing that I can remember from last night. Then I remember her hugs. She had a way of holding onto me tightly to where I never felt suffocated but instead felt safe and cared for. She was never the one to pull away first. Next, I recall her stories and the tidbits of information she gave about herself. I repeat a couple in my head a few times so that I remember them.

And yet as much as I wanted to stay positive, the negativity eventually creeps in as if it never left.

Except all the negative now is sharply directed towards me. It tells me how I'm not good enough and never will be. I had years to get Ivy to fall for me and yet Jaxon clearly managed to do it in the span of a couple months.

And maybe there are some things that I could work on. Maybe I'm a little too annoying. Maybe I'm a little to loud sometimes. Maybe I don't work hard enough in school. Or maybe I'm just not smart enough to begin with. Maybe I'm not a lot of things: not pretty enough, not funny enough, not honest enough, not stable enough, not....

Not enough. That's what it all boils down to.

Ivy's known me for years and probably knows me better than anyone. And perhaps that's the problem. She knows too much. She knows I'm a mess and doesn't want to have to handle me.

And I can't help but think that's understandable.

Text or call me if you need anything else.

My eyes wander down to look back at Margot's words. Maybe I should call her.

However, once I open Margot's contact back up on my phone, my finger hovers over the button to call her. It's Christmas Eve and she probably wants to spend the day with her family and not be bothered by me. I surely bothered her enough last night.

Fuck. I'm such a burden.

And maybe that's what pushed Ivy away from the possibility of ever liking me as something more than a friend.

That thought is what leads me to call up the one friend that has constantly stuck by my side even when they haven't exactly always wanted to.

"Hey, Aspen. What problem of yours do I need to solve now?"

"Fuck you,"

"Dude. We're both gay. I'm just interested as to how you would think that could happen," Dustin says with a chuckle.

"I could turn you straight," I joke with a shrug.

"Oh. I don't deny that, but you'll still be gay. So what then?" Dustin asks me, clearly amused.