Angstyboys.inc | sbi angst one shots |

-Why do I want to be hurt?-

Art by: wandrtheghost on Instagram <3

Requested: no
Character: Wilbur Soot
Setting: Wilburs room but setting doesn't matter that much

Possible triggers for this chapter:
• Self- defeating personality disorder
• Intrusive thoughts??
• Negative way of thinking
• Mentions of starving oneself
• Mentions of cutting/hurting oneself
• Self neglect

A/n: I just want to say quickly, this was meant to be posted yesterday. So sorry. But I fell asleep in the middle of writing a sentence so I didn't get to finish it. Oof
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|*~Wimblur snoop (1rst person)~*|

(Woaahhhh whatttt? 1rst person?? I usually don't write in 1rst person cause I'm bad at it so bear with me.)

It always confused me. By that I mean why did I want to be sad? Like intrusive thoughts I would sometimes wish I had a mental illness.

Whenever I got these types of thoughts I scolded myself for it. It's selfish, I know. Mental illness ruins peoples lives. People have to live with it everyday and it makes their lives harder. So why did I want to experience it?

It wasn't like I'm a good person who thought "Oh I'm just saying that because I want to be able to take it away from people who have to deal with it." I was no hero. That's obvious though.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to romanticize mental illness. My main motivations for thinking like this are deeper than just being ignorant or a bad person. Even though I AM a bad person... I just wanted to feel like someone cared about me.

Or even just get a reaction, wether it's good or bad. I don't care if it's pity or not.

It's dumb that I want attention though, I spent a long time trying to get people to not notice me but now that they were completely ignoring me I was mad about it?? Stupid.

My other reason was because I think I deserve it. I deserve to be hurt, abused, tormented by my own brain. Cause right now I'm just a normal person. I have a well off family, friends, a good place to sleep, people who were nice to me. That's more than a lot of people had. So I had no reason to be sad. But for some reason I enjoyed being miserable. I was happy when something went wrong in my life.

I had stopped taking care of myself at this point. I don't brush my teeth, I don't take proper showers- basically I just stand in the water, and I don't even remember the last time I brushed my hair. It's not even like I can't get out of bed to go and do those things, I just don't think it's that important. Not like anyone pays enough attention to care.

There was even a time period when I starved myself because I wanted to feel pain. I only got to five days because my parents knew something was up. I didn't want to be more of a disappointment than I already am so I stopped.

For a while, I also tried cutting myself. I knew it was bad but I didn't care. I made one cut for every time I something bad.

Examples of bad things I do are eating more food than the other people I'm eating with, getting a low grade on an assignment, getting told off by my parents, annoying my siblings, making people mad at me, it even went as far as simply not hearing what someone said.

However, I'm not anorexic, and I don't self harm. The difference between me and the people these things apply to, is that I can stop whenever I want to. I did it because it wasn't a mental state, it was a choice. I was actually happy when I saw my arms littered with the scars. But since it was a choice, a choice I made.. I was not mentally ill.

I want to have panic attacks, I want to cry so hard I have to muffle my sobs so no one can hear them, I want my family- my friends to hate me and tell me everything wrong about me, I want to be abused by someone because I deserve to be.

It's fucked up just how happy I get when something bad happens to me. And it's fucked up how I desperately want something to be wrong with me.

I'm prettier when I cry anyways. I would be prettier with bags that looked like bruises under my eyes. Id finally be what I wanted to be... frail, weak, and most of all small. I've always towered over everyone, and it made me feel like a giant. A big great giant who stomped his way across the halls. I hate it. I just want to be small... I want to be able to blend into a crowd and not stand out cause I'm fucking 6,5.

There must be something to describe what I'm feeling. There's a word for everything after all. As I scrolled through various articles I kept seeing things about masochists but I knew that's not what I was.

Then I came upon this one article. It said something about Self-Defeating Personality Disorder. It was basically a personality disorder where someone will feel free or happy feelings from being hurt, humiliated, or wallowing in misery.

Similar to being a masochist but it didn't have to be sexual. It seemed to fit what I was feeling as I read farther. I don't know if that's what I have though. I could just be lying to myself. I could just be telling myself I have a personality disorder to feel like something is wrong with me. But there were conflicting sites so it was hard to tell exactly what the disorder was. I thought it was wanting to be sad, but some sites said it was like masochism. If I was happy because I had a personality disorder that meant I had the disorder... but then again...

(I don't fockin know how to end this so have a crappy ending. Don't hate me pls)

I spent the rest of the night with my thoughts. No sleep to be had but I was perfectly fine with that.

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1039 words

While looking at this, I found conflicting sites and I couldn't quite tell exactly what the disorder was so sorry If I messed anything up or said something wrong. I was basically just writing off my own emotions for this one and I feel bad for the ending but I wrote it and it's done. This chapter was mainly for myself so if you don't like it, sorry idk what to tell you.

Here is the articles I looked at if your interested at all: 

1. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/personality-disorders/self-defeating-personality-disorder-understanding-the-impact/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=_b&utm_content=76857935229&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=b&utm_campaign=6459244691&ad_type=text&adposition=&gclid=Cj0KCQiAgomBBhDXARIsAFNyUqPCFvICctrrwMbd163Ltuxbj-rttpLnWWb005MEvspJCE10DO62IhEaAjxJEALw_wcB

2. https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/self-defeating-personality-disorder-recognition-and-treatment

And thanks for all your wonderful chapter ideas in my last two chapters! 😃 (I'm not actually mad btw)

Even though probably no one will comment I'll still put a suggestions thing here.

If you need to talk to someone, I'm probably available but if I'm not I'm sorry. Just know that I and other people care about you<3

And remember-
I love you all very much!
I hope you have a wonderful day/night/whatever time of the day it is for you
Take a head pat, hug, or handshake.
Here's some blue for you: 💙🦋