Loving Kinnick

I'm Scared Of What I'm Going To See When I Close My Eyes

I came home to see Bo's shoes lying next to the door. Wet footprints walked to the corridor that led to my kitchen. A smell filled my nostrils. Marinara and garlic. I found her at the stove, stirring meat sauce in a pan. She looked up at me with a smile.

"Sorry if I'm imposing."

I walked behind her, wrapping her waist in my arms. "Imposing? This is your place just as much as it is mine."

She told me to wait on the couch until she was done. It wasn't long until she was bringing in a plate piled with spaghetti. Her inability to make blueberry muffins was the only reason I felt hesitant to take a bite. I almost died when I did. It wasn't because it was bad but the taste sent me to heaven and back.

"I already ate," she kissed me. "I've been working on washing your clothes, so you don't wear the same ones every day. You're starting to look like a bum."

My mouth curled at her teasing manner. "You are feisty today."

She sent me a wink before she rounded the corner. I listened to the rain patter on the windowpane as she hummed away in my laundry room. I wasn't sure why she thought it was necessary to do so, but she insisted. So, I let her. I didn't mind wearing the same three outfits every day. My girlfriend clearly thought otherwise.

I couldn't stop thinking about what happened in class this morning, and it was the only reason I called her name, asking her to join me in the living room. My heart fell into my stomach when she joined me. This time, it wasn't because of how she looked standing in my t-shirt and a pair of shorts. I had something I needed to ask her. Yet, here I am, without the ability to say the words.

She leaned against the corridor, waiting for me to speak. I rubbed my face out of frustration. It wasn't my intention to ruin her day, but I knew I was going to. We have been over this plenty of times. She didn't want to talk about anything, and it led me to believe something. Something I needed answered.

"Is everything okay?" Her eyes filled with concern.

"I'm fine, Bo," I leaned forward on the couch. "But I know you're not."

"I'm okay," she laughed it off. "I told you, I don't remember last night."

"Don't," I held my head in my hands. "You have been having consistent nightmares. You wake up screaming, and it's terrifying because I don't know what to do. You refuse to let me touch you. I'm so fucking lost, Bo. I'm worried I can't help you."

"I don't want to talk about it," her eyes haven't lifted from the ground since I confronted her.

"What happened to you at that party?"

Her head snapped up to look at me. A sudden flash of fear stole the expression in her eyes, and she knew I knew. There was a glossy haze covering her caramel irises. Her hands began to shake, and I knew she wanted to be anywhere but standing in front of me.

She tried to speak, but it came out in broken sentences. "I - I, go."

She hurried past me, towards the elevator. She had to open the door first. I stood up from the couch, watching her quick hands grab the handle. Just as she opened it, I reached above her and slammed it shut. Her small whimper tore at my heart. She rested her cheek against my door with both of her hands wrapped tightly around the door handle.

I watched her body go rigid. She made it clear how badly she wanted to run away. It's time she stopped doing that. My arms went around her stomach, feeling the way it churned as I touched her. Tears were falling from my eyes as she flinched at my touch. I rested my cheek on top of her head, holding her against me, silently pleading her not to leave me.