Arcanum Hominem (#1)

Chapter 67

I couldn't be, right? I huffed as I paced back and forth in front of the door. That was such a dumb question to ask myself. We only used a condom once or twice, so the probability of me being pregnant was extremely high. But I couldn't be, not right now. Not at all. Not with Killian. 

I yelled in frustration and punched the wall next to the door. I jumped back when the door opened, and Killian stormed in. Of course, he found a way in. His green eyes were filled with worry, yet he had his eyes narrowed as if he were pissed. His eyes softened when they landed on me in my almost manic state. 

"Breathe, Scarlett. Come here." He gestured at me, and I stared at his hands, contemplating. My body made its mind up before my brain, and I was in his arms immediately, welcoming his embrace. I buried my face in his chest, and his hand was on my back, rubbing it. 

"I can't be pregnant," I whispered in his chest, my words muffled. He continued to rub my back, his chin on my head.

"I know, baby. There's only one way to know for sure," he whispered back, and I stepped back out of his embrace, running a hand through my hair. I huffed, trying to get my thoughts together.

"Okay, I need to go to the store," I mumbled to myself, and I looked for my wallet. It was here somewhere. I haven't needed it the entire time I've been here, but it had to be here somewhere. 

"Come on then. I'm coming with you, and I'm not taking no for an answer." He beckoned at me, but I hesitated. Him going with me would make this real, and I didn't want it to be real. But I couldn't pretend it wasn't if it actually was. My brain was muddled. I sighed and walked past him out of the room and walked all the way to the warehouse. 

"Hey, guys! Wait, are you two finally speaking?" Row asked and raised his brows in shock. I ignored him, not really focused on anything except making it to the car without tripping over air. Killian said something to him, but I wasn't paying attention, so I couldn't hear what he said. I didn't think he would want them knowing his business, so he wouldn't tell them about our situation. I made it to the car and got in. Killian entered right after me, and soon we were on the road to the store. My fingers fidgeted during the entire ride, and I couldn't keep my heart calm. There was a knot stuck in my throat, and it wasn't from the urge to cry. I didn't want to cry. What would happen if I was really pregnant? What decision would Killian make based on the decision I made? I didn't even know at this moment what decision I would make. 

"Killian, do you want kids?" I whispered out of nowhere, surprised that those words left my lips. He glanced down at me before looking back at the road. 

"No." His answer was simple and firm. 

"Neither do I." I tapped my legs quickly, not able to stay still.

"Would you be happy if I was really pregnant?" That question came out as a whisper as well, as if I was afraid of his answer. I actually wasn't. I just couldn't bring myself to speak louder than a whisper, as if speaking any louder would make it even more real. 

"Yes, of course, I would. Would you be happy?" he asked me in return, surprising me. I didn't think about that. After a few moments of thinking about his question, I answered. 

"I-I'm not sure," I told him the truth, and he nodded his head. "What if I decided I...I didn't want to keep the baby?" My voice was so low, it was almost inaudible. I didn't want to ask the question, but I needed to know. He glanced at me and dropped his hand from the steering wheel, placing it over my hands that wouldn't stop shaking. 

"I will support you with any decision you make. It's your body, love. Please don't feel pressured about any decision you want to make because you're thinking about me. I will support you no matter what." His words hit my heart, and I sucked in a breath, turning my head to face the window in case tears fell down my face. 

"Thank you." I grabbed his hand, squeezing it, and he squeezed back. Fuck. I couldn't be mad at him anymore. We made it to the store, and I quickly got out, wanting to get this over with. It took no time at all to find the tests, and Killian bought them, and soon we were back on the road. This time, the ride was filled with silence, but I welcomed it. There was a lot to think about. So many decisions needed to be made based on the outcome. The knot in my throat only grew the closer we got to the warehouse, and I really needed a distraction. I wanted to train. We made it to the warehouse, and we both quickly entered, walking past the others without a word spoken. They were busy hunched over their computers anyway to even notice us passing through. 

I grabbed the tests out of the bag when we made it to my room, and I entered the bathroom, closing the door and locking it behind me. Killian was staying in the bedroom. I wanted to do this part alone. I tore the boxes and pulled out three tests. I got a few, just to be completely sure. I knew how it worked, but I read the instructions anyway, over and over again. I read it so many times, it was etched in my brain at this point. There was only so much stalling I could do, so I finally unwrapped the tests and pulled my pants down, sitting on the toilet. I didn't have to wait long and peed on all of the sticks, the urge to throw up strong, I was that nervous. I placed the tests on the counter on top of toilet paper and waited. 

I paced around the bathroom as I counted down the time. I fought the urge to keep peering over it and just kept pacing. That was the only thing I could do. My fingers were entangled with each other as I fidgeted. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Please, please, please. What decision would I make? What would I decide? I couldn't possibly make any firm decisions until I knew for certain whether I was pregnant or not. Just thinking about that made me shiver. I never pictured myself being a mother, having little kids running around the house. I always imagined myself as a woman in a stable, loving relationship with an amazing husband, traveling to all parts of the world. 

Dreams, such funny things. Killian would support me no matter my decision. I stopped pacing and gripped the sink, closing my eyes. He was a good man. Flawed, of course, as we all were, but a decent man regardless. Fuck. Did I love this man? Is that why I was reacting so emotionally? Could I see myself being with him for the rest of my life? Maybe. But I didn't have time to even entertain a relationship. That would be too much work with what I wanted to accomplish. I huffed, pacing again. I was acting as if he would actually want to be in a relationship with me. I was too unstable. I was only good enough as a fuck buddy. That was what I assumed he was thinking if he ever thought about a relationship. I gritted my teeth. Sometimes I hated when I got stuck in my head because then I started forming conclusions out of nowhere. I was aware of this problem, yet I still did it. Only a minute left. A minute until I figure out if my life will be changed forever. Forever. 

I let out a deep breath when I finished counting—the time needed to wait now over. I gave myself one more minute before walking over to the tests. I grabbed them and closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath before letting it back out. I opened my eyes and looked at the first test.

My heart dropped.