The Complete Chronological Works

an e-mail i couldn't send ✔️

hi mom
you said you'd call today
but you didn't
i've been crying a lot
thinking about you
how i am so scared to tell you things
and how i think you ruined my ability
to tell anyone how i feel
because i get so scared
about how you react to the things i say
if you'll yell at me
be disappointed in me
tell me i'm wrong
be angry with me
i can't take it.

so i just don't say anything
but i want to tell you everything
more than i want to tell anyone anything
i can't live happily thinking that you think i'm fine.
and you say it to
"you've always been fine"
"it's your brother i worry about"
and i am so grateful that you believe in me
and that you're proud of me
even when i am not proud of myself
and i want to tell you everything
but i am so scared of you changing the way you see me.
because i'm still me
i've always been me.
and i don't want to tell you everything until i know that you understand that.

i don't know how to tell you these things without making it a biology or sociology lecture
and i don't want to make you feel stupid
because you're not
and i'm sorry that i make you feel that way.
i just need you to understand
i just need you to accept me
because i would rather keep myself a secret until i die
than live in a world where you're not proud of me.