The Complete Chronological Works

Holy Lonliness (Part 4)

I've never been able to commit to anything.
Bisexual
Non-binary
Agnostic
Fence sitter.

I want to believe in a higher power
But I have no reason to anymore.

I've looked for signs
I've bared my soul
I get nothing in return.

For years
I would get down on my knees
and let Jesus into my heart
and all I felt was shame.
Shame that I felt nothing.
So I stopped trying,
because Jesus doesn't deserve my prayers
if that's how he repays devotion.

I've looked for signs of gods
The Greeks
The Romans
The Egyptians
The Norse
They never seem to look my way.

I watched for signs
I've asked for signs
So what is there left to do?

If this god or these gods exist,
I just don't think I matter to them
The universe doesn't owe me the attention of the Devine.
Nor do I owe anything to them.

I've accepted that I'm not a key player
I wasn't given a purpose.
It doesn't bother me.
Well,
It does actually.
But it shouldn't.
I can set my own purpose.
I can be my own god.

If that way of thinking damns me
Then so be it.
But if the gods won't believe in me
I'll just have to believe in myself.