Chapter 145

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A woman wearing a see-through top is standing next to Miles. 

His words don't make sense until I see Miles's face, it's twisted with guilt, disgust, and something else I can't really make out. The stage behind him is so obvious and I can't help but notice the dancers there, showing off everything they have for the cheap price of dollar bills collected into a hopefully big enough amount. 

My stomach starts to twist and turn, churn even but I can' move my feet, I feel sick to my stomach and I want to get out of this place, but yet, a small part of me wants to stay—to see what possible excuse Miles could have for knowing the girl beside him. 

I do realize that his past is dark and he's done nothing but be honest but the number of secrets popping out of every corner are starting to make me sick, starting to make me question whether or not we will ever be able to put all of this behind us. 

I can't help but let my head spin with possibilities of our future being filled with guilt that can't ever be washed away, the secrets that won't stop flowing to us and killing every corner of love we have for each other and the most deadly of all, the darkness that haunts the both of us for daring to be so close to one another. 

Miles stays silent and I feel as though there's no music around us anymore, what was supposed to be a quick trip to get food ended up like this and I wish we had never left the pool.

"Don't want to answer me or something, big boy?" The blonde asks, her blue eyes are shining at the both of us, her teeth are white and her chest can barely fit into her shirt and it's even worse that she's so engaged into Miles. Her body is leaning toward him while he just stands there.

"Come on, I'll give you guys a table, and maybe I'll give you a show, you know, the ones you always asked for." She says, leaning closer to Miles and my jaw nearly drops to the floor, my eyes are wide. 

I want to cry but I can't, I'm completely frozen, my feet are stuck to the floor and I can't move, no matter how much I want to, I can't move an inch.

Miles's POV

All I can do is watch Madison, the horror on her face, the clear anger, the clear hurt—everything, All I can do is watch her. I can't move an inch and it's clear that she can't either and even though both of us would much rather get the fuck out of this shithole, we're stuck and what's even worse, is that we're stuck with this whore next to us. 

She was one of the victims, the girl I fucked, the girl I couldn't stop fucking.

"What do you say, Miles?" She says and I finally get sick of her fucking talking, I stare at her to tell her to fuck off, but as soon as I do, page thirty-one of my small black book enters my head, 'Sex: eight times. Amazing in bed. Blonde hair and blue eyes, the best combination.'

I gulp down the memory of my stupid written words, the ones I hope Madison didn't read, the ones that would break her. 

Eight times was true until I wrote it down, it was like an addiction, I couldn't stop and neither could she, we continued our rendezvous even after I met Chrissy. 

Dealing with my bitch of a mom during high school was hard enough, it was the only place I had, and Hayden's persuasion wasn't easy to deny, but seeing that Jacob wanted no part of it made me reconsider until I saw Lacey; a store worker by day and a whore at night. 

I knew she recognized me at the store and I knew she was aware of Madison being completely mine and it pissed her off just like it pissed me off when she fucked Hayden.

"Miles?" Lacey calls again and I pop back into reality, realizing that I've stared at her fo at least five minutes, everything still feels so slow. I glance at Madison for a brief second only to see that her eyes are now watery and her lips are now parted.

"Fuck no." I finally break the silence that has been staying for too long between Madison and I.

"Come on, let's go," I tell her, attempting to grab her arm but she flinches away before I can.

"I . . . I need to go to the bathroom." She says and before I can stop her, she's halfway there. The last thing I want to do is chase her through the whore show that's going on right behind me so I don't and instead of chasing her, begging her to forgive my fucked up past, I stay here, completely still and fucked.

"I knew I recognized you at the mall," Lacey says and I clench my jaw as hard as I can.

"Back off."

"Oh come on, maybe I can even get some of the other girls to join me in dancing, like last time . . . you remember last time, right?" Lacey smiles and my fists ball by my sides. 

Last time was right before college, during the first week I needed a distraction and this was it, this was the first thing I had gotten to know in Washington and the only thing I was addicted to.

 The last time was when I saw her with Hayden, making out in one of the rooms like we used to do, except it wasn't with me. Hayden smirked so proudly, looking at me, knowing how much he'd hurt me but he didn't give a shit, and neither did Lacey. 

That day I swore I'd win the games, that I'd win against that fucking asshole and even though she was girl number thirty-one, I got up to a hundred faster than I thought I would. 

I didn't have a chance to erase my stupid past after I met her—after I met the only girl I want to be with, the only girl I've ever loved. 

I didn't have a fucking chance to hide anything, to resolve any of the dumb shit I did, I didn't have a chance to do any of it and now I'm stuck in a circle of bullshit by my own making.

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