Embracing the Wind (Formentera Series #2)

Chapter 24

"I'm sorry to say this but... you've lost your child, Ms. Levisay..."

I was stunned. I couldn't move even a bit. I just woke up and that was the first thing I've heard. I was pregnant? And... I've lost my child?

I was crying and no one's hugging me. I was crying but no one's here for me.

I immediately wiped my tears away. What is this? Bakit ako pinaparusahan? Did I lost three people in my life? Did I just lost them in just a blink of an eye?

Tulala akong naglakad. God is punishing me... He's punishing me... and I can't do anything... The pain is unbearable, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Napatingin ako sa palapulsuhan ko. Nalunasan na ito ng doktor. I didn't know that I had slept for 1 day. Hindi ko na alam ang nangyari... ni hindi man lang ako pinuntahan ni Ice... I was just... alone.

Napaupo ako sa kalsada at mula sa mahinang paghikbi... naging nakakabinging hagulgol.

Paulit-ulit kong hinahampas ang puso ko. Sobrang sakit, sobrang nakakamatay... nasasaktan ako, nalulunod ako sa sakit pero walang nandiyan para sa akin... wala akong makapitan. Wala... ni isa.

So this is the reality. The person you thought you could hold on to when you were suffering is no longer by your side. They said they'd be there for you, they would never leave you, they would love you et cetera yet, they left. Nobody's here for me. I was drowning in tears, I was drowning in pain... but no one's there for me.

He promised... he promised he would never leave me but he was gone without even telling me.

I thought he would run to me to embrace me, to comfort me, to wipe my tears away, to say that everything's gonna be okay... but it was just a thought... nasa isip lang, hindi totoo. Walang totoo dahil mag-isa lang ako ngayon. Sarili ko lang ang nakayakap sa akin, ako lang. Ako lang mag-isa.

Natulala ako nang malakas akong sinampal ni Daddy nang makarating ako sa bahay. Wala nang luhang bumagsak. Namanhid na ang puso ko. Nakatulala na lang ako.

"You should've stopped your mother, Chayenne!"

And I should've just died.

Bakit naligtas pa ako? Para danasin ang mga sakit na 'to? Para hindi makawala sa sakit? Sa lungkot?

Kahit buhay ako, parang patay na rin ako.

"I'm sorry..." Yumuko ako. Halos binulong ko na lang iyon sa hangin. Hindi ko alam kung kanino ako nag sosorry.

"Your mother was right. Sinira mo ang pamilya ko."

Nakayuko lang ako. Ice, pwede bang yakapin mo ako ngayon?

"Pack your things and get out of my life, Chayenne. Your sister and mother died because of you."

Nilagpasan niya ako. Gusto kong tumawa nang malakas. Nababaliw na yata ako.

Tao din naman ako. Nasasaktan din ako. Nagagalit din ako. I also have feelings. Namatayan ako, hindi lang isa o dalawa – apat. I lost my sister, my bestfriend, my mother... and my child... and I feel like I've lost myself.

Pati sarili ko iniwan na ako.

Hinang-hina ako. Nagugutom ako pero wala na akong gana kumain. Tahimik lang akong umiiyak buong araw sa kwarto yakap ang sarili ko.

Ang lupit. Ang lupit ng mundo sa akin.

I packed my things like what my dad told me. Ayoko nang mag reklamo. Hilong-hilo ako, hinang-hina at pagod na pagod. Lumabas ako ng mansyon at sumakay sa kotse ko.