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It was wrong, you knew that. Well you felt like it was but you also felt a lot of things so you just ignored it.
It felt like one side of you was screaming no and the other side was screaming yes. You didn't know what to do, people say to just follow your heart. But what do you do, when you don't even know what your heart wants?
Being withDeena is nice, you've always felt more alive and happy. You knew she was an amazing person, someone who understood you. But you also knew that you weren't- just couldn't be like a lesbian or anything.
It was wrong and completely against the rules of your family. You were to go off and marry a impressively smart basic guy who's from Sunnyvale and run off with him. Maybe that's what your parents wanted, maybe that's what you wanted. You weren't all too sure about anything, but you knew for certain what you had with Deena was just some weird experimenting shit.
So if you were just experimenting nothing was wrong right? You weren't like gay or anything, you were normal. So as you laid in between Deena's legs with your back against her chest watching a rom com, you didn't think anything of it.
You didn't think anything about the way she ran her fingertips up and down your arm, or how your hand was placed on her leg. You didn't care about the little distance you both had, and you didn't care that you actually liked it.
But that feeling didn't last long, out of nowhere you felt this horrible feeling in your stomach.
You had only gotten this feeling once before, but you never knew why you got it. The small smile that had worked its way onto your face had suddenly dropped at a drastic speed.
You zoned out, remembering what your parents told you. All they're expectations of you, and then you thought of Deena. How she made you feel, the look she got in her eyes whenever she talked about something she loved.
The way she looked in her band uniform, the way she would groan whenever an ad about sports came on. The way she held you, the way she kissed you and cuddled in that weird position where her foot kinda lays on your upper thigh.
The things you didn't together weren't normal friends things, they were couple things and you had finally come to realization.
This wasn't normal, what you had with Deena wasn't just some weird experiment. It was so much more than that, you didn't know why it took you so long to realize. Tears welled in your eyes at thought that began to form more and more.
Remembering when you kissed a boy for the first time, and how gross it was. Remembering when you had your first boyfriend yet you felt no attraction, you just made yourself think you did.
It all made sense now, and it scared the hell out of you. A choked sob escaped your lips, breaking Deena's attention away from the tv screen. You immediately covered your face as an instinct at the feeling of the wet substance falling down your cheeks. "Hey what's wrong?" Deena looks down with a worried expression as she tries to gently pry your hands away from your face.
Your tears pour out of your eye sockets uncontrollably, Deena sighs and pulls you closer wrapping her arms around you. "Hey it's gonna be okay" she shushes you gently rubbing your arm.
"I don't know what's wrong with me" you choke out, blurry eyed. "I'm so sorry Deena, I- I used you thinking it was just an experiment when it's not. I feel things, I just- I've never felt this please I just want it to stop." You turn a little in her hold removing your hand from your face.
She hums, finally understanding what made you so upset. "There is nothing wrong with you okay." She speaks up. "I've spent so long acting like I like things, I cant even tell when I'm acting anymore. I don't even know who I am." You start to shake, completely overwhelmed by your new- possibly old thoughts.
"Easy, your Y/n. Whether your a y/n that likes guys or a y/n that likes girls or whatever. That won't change, you will always be you." She tilts your head up to look at her, as tears also start to form in her eyes at the sight of your heartbroken face. "I know this is hard, and it makes you feel like somethings wrong with you. But it's not, your still human and you have the right to feel. You don't have to decide right now if you feel things for a girl, a guy or anyone. Just enjoy being you, and ignore anyone who tells you different." She continues blinking back her own tears.
"I'm here" you smile at her words "always?" You ask eyes still on hers. "Always" she agrees a smile forming on her face.
