Northern lights

74. Losing game

Jon Snow 

Once he was too young to understand what he was giving up. Back then, Jon was a boy who found what it means to be drawn to a woman, but he was too green to realize that he should have stayed and fought for her. He should have picked the last remains of wildflowers and gifted them to her for she must have missed home. He should entered every dinner and asked her to dance instead of dulling swords in the backyard. 

Jon let Rosalie go too easily, convincing himself it was the honorable thing to do. He told himself he was doing the right thing by letting Robb court her and staying out of his way. Instead of taking her by the hand and telling her how lovely she is, he had chosen Castle Black. 

If he could, Jon would go back to the start and told her what's truly in his heart. 

Perhaps she's right, he's in love with the idea of her. He's been building up this image of a woman who can do no wrong, who is pure and innocent and utterly incapable of being hurtful and yet she's not. She's human too, flawed as he is. He turned his head away from her the moment he's learned of her flaws, of the mistakes she's made and it made him sick to grasp how unfair he's been to her.

When Rosalie needed him the most, Jon was too busy licking his wounds to keep her from falling of the ledge. He was so stuck on her choice to be with a Lannister that he couldn't stomach being near her and it cost him more he'd ever care to admit.

Even now, as he looked at her, Jon didn't know how to speak to her. It seems every word he says is somehow making it worse between them and so he chose not to speak at all. The sail should be a few days long, he could be quiet for a while longer. Once they dock, they'll likely be too busy to engage in conversation and he'll be unable to say the wrong thing again. 

But a part of him is unforgiving, not to her imperfections but his. He had her lips a whisper away and her body was pressed against his and yet its the closest he'll ever get. It made him angry, jealous of the way Robb had all of her when he could barely get a mere glance his way. He found himself envious of his brother once again, even now when he's dead. Jon hated how weak of a man he must be to hold a grudge that's never been Robb's fault. 

It's Jon who didn't try to fight for Rosalie back then, it was Jon who ignored her and it was Jon who had managed to alienate her once more. He felt closer to her when he was beyond the Wall and she in the south. To be mere inches away from her not be able to hold her felt worse. 

All these years, Jon worked on being the better man - the better choice. He did all they expected him to and yet he never once realized how bitter he's been. 

Rosalie is right, he does not know her. He barely knows himself, but he would know her if she allowed him to. For all of the light he lost and all the innocence he once had and sacrificed, he'd start anew with her. 

He failed plenty in his life, but he never wishes to fail her. And as he sees her grip his late brother's cloak around her, Jon swallows thickly to dislodge the lump at the back of his neck. 

Noticing a ring on her finger, Jon's eyes narrow. He wondered where she got it for she always wore it, even though he hardly remembered it being on her finger when they first met. 

"Do you remember?" She breaks the thick veil of silence that had settled between them. "When Eddard Stark brought you and Robb to Highgarden?"

Clearing his throat, Jon frowns as he meets her gloomy eyes. "I do not remember ever leaving Winterfell."

"Oh", she smiles sadly as her gaze falls to the floor. "I remember it. Faintly."

"How old were we?" Jon asks, wishing for the sound of her voice to never quiet down. It's the most delightful sound, better than anything he'd ever heard in his life. He wished he remembered what she seems to. He'd claim anything concerning her and hold it close, but he truly couldn't grasp the memory.