Northern lights

10. Love

I wake suddenly, every thought in high definition. My eyes take in every ray of light and without a doubt I know I've slept too long. My heart beats fast and there is a buzzing in my brain and together they are as panic with jump-leads. I half wonder if I'm still dreaming as I sit up to take in the shafts of light that burst through the window to my left only to feel a sharp pain in my stomach, causing a sharper intake of breath to flood my lungs and a yelp to follow after. Now I'm awake, perhaps more fully awake than I've ever been.

A heavy weight settles in my head and on my shoulders. It pulls me back down again and I look around for someone, anyone or at least a drop of water. I'm parched and I am in pain and it all falls away when I find I'm not alone. A head resting by my right leg and small snores I can now take in fully leave me relaxed and less panicked as I was moments before. I know those locks and the back of his head. I know it's Robb.

Staring at the ceiling, I close my eyes shut and breathe. Breathe to soothe the pain, but it doesn't subside. I still feel the knife piercing my skin, opening a wound and a gush of warm liquid, my blood, spilling over my feet. It's as if my brain likes to replay that nightmare, unwilling to let the images go. It's reminding me how weak I was in that moment, how utterly defenceless. Even with all the work I put into training, once faced with a threat I crumbled under the pressure. All I was is a shield and shields are left dented and shields are disposable.

I don't want to be a shield ever again.

I want to be strong and conquer any man or woman that dares to stand against me. I want to be a ruthless fighter that protects those who cannot protect themselves. I want to be a sharp blade, an arrow's end that doesn't forgive and brings justice where justice is needed. Jaime was right. I couldn't beat him if we ever faced off and that's my goal. I'll work until I can beat him; the greatest swordsman of the seven kingdoms.

Never again, I promise myself and open my eyes to look at this man who exhausted himself enough to fall asleep in such a position, one that would surely make his body hurt after. I wonder how many nights have passed and how many of those nights had he despaired over my sleeping figure.

His hair is lazily ruffled, the auburn tips haphazardly pushed so they intertwined into beautiful chaos. I reach for him, twirling a strand of his hair around my index finger and smile softly when he stirs in his sleep. A part of me wants him to get enough rest and enjoy his dreams for they might be an escape from all the hurt, but another part, the selfish part of me aches for him to wake up and look into my eyes with those vast blue oceans he holds inside and assure me I am safe and sound.

Robb shifts, turning his face toward me, his cheek squished under the weight of his skull and lips parted so his mouth is open. I brush my fingers down his other cheek as lightly as a feather, taking in a deep breath with the warmth his skin emits on my fingertips.

A head peaks out beside him and I smile widely when I recognize Grey Wind. He must have been sleeping on the floor as well. His tongue protruding, Grey Wind rests his head on the bed and lowers his ears, looking at me with human emotions behind his dark eyes. It's almost as if he's worried and apologetic, like he feels guilty over what happened to me and a small whine he lets out makes my heart clench painfully.

"It's alright. I'm fine. I'm okay." I say in a hushed tone and furrowed brows, choosing to pet his head and let Robb rest. However, it seems that small whine has alerted Robb into opening his eyes. Feeling the intense gaze fall on me, I look back to him and soften my face.

Robb sits up, opening his mouth and closing them right after in his attempt to find the right things to say. He racks his mind for something appropriate, but he comes up short every time and I swallow thickly, nodding my head and pressing my lips.

I know.

I know he's been suffering. I know it's been hard. I know he's lost hope and clung to every beat of my heart. I wasn't here, not really, and yet I know. I know it by the way he stopped blinking and chose to stare at me like I'm a long lost dream and in the way his left eye twitches ever so slightly in dire need to blink, but he's afraid closing his eyes, even for that split second, would make me disappear.

I know.

"I'm okay. I am." I say quietly, voice just above a whisper. I'm not sure I can even muster a louder tone at this point.

Am I okay?

No. I am in pain and I feel haunted, like my sense of safety has been taken away; no, ripped away so violently and unexpectedly and I am nowhere close to being okay. I am broken and torn to pieces on the inside, a complete mess. But I don't want him to know that. I don't want him to feel guilty in any way. I don't want him fighting demons that are my own.

"Is Bran?" I ask, afraid to hear the answer. Had I been enough to save him if I couldn't save myself?

"He's alright. Awake even." Robb says, clearing his throat before moving closer to me, taking my right hand in his and clasping it over with his free one.

"I'm supposed to thank you for your sacrifice. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful. But, love, never do that again! For anyone! Not my siblings and not me. Not ever. Do you understand me?" His voice darkens and his grip on my hand tightens, the fury in his eyes turning into those blue flames I fell in love with. I didn't fear him. I still felt the worry etched in his very being.

"You know I can't promise you that. I'd take a thousand deaths for you, Robb. As long as you live, I will be your fierce protector as I know you will be mine." It's my turn to squeeze his hand, reassuring him my words come from heart and he sees them as truth.

"I'd rather die than live this again. I beg you to be careful, love. My heart can't take anymore of these nights. I love you too much, too deeply. Please." His tone lowers by the end, pleading as are his eyes.

Avoiding said topic, I smile and my heart flutters. It dances inside my chest and takes on a faster pace, my breathing quicker as well.

"I love you too, Robb." I say the words for the first time in my life and feel lighter as they pass my lips. And I am at peace with my decisions.

In this moment I have given him a promise, one I hope to keep.

Little did I know, so did he. A promise almost identical to my own, every night as I slept.

Love, I'm not perfect, but I'd follow you into hell if that's what it takes to keep you safe. I am your protector as you are mine, one to shield the other. Not a single soul comes before you. So I'll stay with you as you stay with me, trust in you as you trust in me, and together we'll ride through every storm, waiting to see what the new dawn may bring. From now till eternity, until the Sun rises in the west and sets in the east, I give you my heart for safe keeping.

It's almost cruel how little we knew back then of the future that awaits us and tragedy that will darken our souls and turn our hearts into beating stones. If I knew, I'd stay in Winterfell in that bed with his hand intertwined with mine. I'd stay in that moment and make a home in the warmth of his loving embrace and let him love me until we're as one for eternity. Had we known, would we have been able to stop it?

Maybe.

But the gods had a different idea for us.