Northern lights

25. Forgetting her

Jon Snow - Behind the wall

Ghost plods ahead of the Night's Watchmen. The snow is hard to bear, cold seeping through despite their fury cloaks. Jon had been exhausted, trudging through snow for what felt like ages, his mind trailing off toward the girl he left behind the wall. 

His choice was made when he had taken his oath and as much as it pains him, she had made her choice as well and while she will always be his northern light, he can't linger on what ifs for too long. Too many men lost their lives when they allowed themselves to look back instead of forth.

"Ghost, stay with us. Ghost!" He shouted after his dear friend, the one that loved Rosalie as much as he did. He felt it, Ghost missed her too. He was just as jealous when she'd spent too much time with Grey Wind as he'd be when she'd spend too much of her time with Robb, but he accepted his fate. Ghost will too.

"There goes your pet." Qhorin grumbled and Jon couldn't help but defend Ghost.

"He's not a pet."

"No, you're right, he's not. You can't tame a wild thing. You can't trust a wild thing." The insinuation was clear in Qhorin's voice. Wild animals, wildlings, it didn't matter to him - Qhorin wanted them all dead.

"Ghost is different." Jon remarks.

"So you think. Wild creatures have their own rules, their own reasons. And you'll never know them. Now the wildlings we're looking for sleep during the day and hunt at night." Qhorin explains, certain he's right and Jon is too young and too naive to know the truth but he'd learn. Qhorin was sure of that.

"I thought you said you couldn't know wild things." Jon retorts, earning a smirk.

"I said you can't. They find a nice cave to hide in while the sun's up and do their killing when it's dark." 

"We could do the same." Jon frowns, wondering why no one ever tried that. It seemed so logical.

"No, we couldn't. This is their country. They know where to walk, where not to walk. I've lost good men who fell into a crevasse they didn't see till they were in it." Qhorin clarifies and Jon frown deepens, realizing the man is right. They're the invaders, still unfamiliar with their surroundings even during the day.

"My father always said I'm of the North." Jon pipes up again, but Qhorin only laugh as his statement, deeming it dumb.

"I wasn't joking." Jon narrows his eyes at Qhorin, annoyed with this man's know-it-all attitude and willingness to make fun of him every chance he gets.

"Look around, boy. This look like home to you? You start thinking you know this place, it will kill you. You understand me?" Qhorin's sharp tone forces Jon to nod, hoping that would stop the man from hounding him about it any longer but it doesn't.

"No, you don't. We're at war. We've always been at war. It's never going to end 'cause we're not fighting an enemy. We're fighting the North, and it's not going anywhere. The Watch has given you a great gift. You only have one thing to give in return, your life."

"I'll gladly give my life." Jon states proudly, seeing honor in such a turn of events. It saddens him not to see Sansa grow up and become a princess nor Arya's future endeavors. He was sad about never seeing Rickon or Bran...and Robb...It pained him not to see his brother again even if he would be married to his Rosalie by then. 

"I don't want you to be glad about it. I want you to curse and fight until your heart's done pumping. And know this, boy. Your death will be a gift for them south of the Wall. They'll never know what you've done. They'll never know how you died. They won't even know your damn name. But they'll be alive because some nameless bastard north of the Wall gave his life for theirs. Now, do you understand me?"

Jon thought about his oath once more and he remembered why he is where he is. His life and his death are supposed to serve the South...to serve his family and to serve her. It was to keep them safe from the ultimate danger, not the current ones. "I do."

"You're even dumber than you look. It's just words, boy, to keep us a little warmer in the night. Make us feel like we've got a purpose. Come on. We've got to find these goat fuckers before night falls and they find us."

Pausing with a sigh, Jon knows the man is right but it's a comfort he seeks. It's one he needs dearly. Ghost slows down as well, walking behind the men and Jon moves to catch up. Nothing worse but staying too far behind.