Broken but not lost

Chapter 14, BRIAR

My heart jumps in my throat. He shouldn't say that. He doesn't know me. I don't know him.

I want to kiss him.

I want to hit him.

I don't know how to feel.

It takes me a moment to realize he's staring, waiting for me to say something. He doesn't tell me to forget everything he said. He doesn't back down. He doesn't let go of my face. He just... waits.

"I- You shouldn't have said that. Why... why would you say that?" I shout. "Take it back." I push his chest away. "You can't—" Push. "You can't!" Push. But this time he takes hold of my wrists again, careful of my fingers.

"I can't what?" I fight to pull away, to push him again. He shakes me, "I can't what Briar!"

I inhale a shaky breath, laying my hands against him. "Just... don't. Please." I breathe, staring straight into his chest. Afraid if I look into his eyes I'll do something I don't want.

He releases my wrists, resting his hands on my waist. "What... what are you afraid of, love?" He asks in a gentle tone.

I can't answer him. I shouldn't. "I'm afraid to fall in love. I'm afraid I'll love you."

"Why?"

"Because the last person I loved, I got killed." I rip the necklace from my pocket and shove it into his face. "And this— this is a constant reminder!" I scream and feel hot tears run down my cheeks.

I don't care.

"I'm afraid that if I kiss you again I won't be able to hold back. I'm afraid if I learn to love you, I'll get you killed. I'm afraid that if I get you killed I'd go over the edge like I almost did last time. I- I'm just afraid!" I push again, throwing the necklace at him and stumble to the ground, landing on my hands and knees.

Tears are blurring my vision.

I can't breathe.

I'm angry at him.

I hate him for doing this to me.

I hate him for caring.

I'd rather he hated me too.

I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe.

I feel arms wrap around my waist, pulling me back. I fight against him but he slowly sits with me between his legs. He doesn't let go, if anything he holds tighter.

I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe.

"You're having a panic attack, love. You need to calm down."

"Fuck... off..." I say between strangled breaths.

"Not until you can breathe again." He answers and I can feel his breath against my ear.

I search with my hands until I find his arms around my waist. I grab onto them, needing to find something solid — something real — to hold onto.

I keep taking little shallow breaths, rocking myself, clawing into his skin. He doesn't flinch.

"Breathe." He whispers. His voice is somewhat calming.

"Don't you.. think I would i- if I... could." I say in a broken sentence. I feel his chuckle rumble against my back.

"So even in a time of distress for yourself you still manage to be sarcastic."

I try and laugh but a whimper erupts from my throat. I can't breathe I can't breathe.

"It's okay." He whispers. "It's okay."

He's rocking back and forth with me now, attempting to keep me calm.