Dive In

Chapter 34

•Nolani•

Alessia and Viola arrive a few minutes after Aspen brought Rafe. Just as I expected Viola warms me up with a comforting hug and Alessia and I cry over how beautiful the twins are after Giovanni shows her the picture of Rome. An hour later Aspen comes back and explains the different keepsake options we can do for Rafe if we're interested. We end up doing a imprint of his foot and hand and then the newborn photographer comes in and takes a few pictures of him and us holding him. Viola assures me that if I can't handle making arrangements for him she would do it and I jump at the offer. I just can't stomach going through the process of it all right now even though I know it has to be done.

"Do you want to try going to the bathroom?" Aspen asks me once the photographer leaves the room.

I stare down at my baby and guilt eats at me because I know this will be the last time I hold him, the last time I'll see him. I clutch him tighter tears trickling silently down my cheeks.

"Why don't we give them a minute." Aspen suggests.

The DeLucas, Nico, Angelo and Luca follow Aspen out of the room leaving Giovanni and I alone with Rafe.

"I can't let him go." I cry. "I can't."

Giovanni wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling Rafe and I against his chest but he doesn't say anything. He just holds us and I soak up the moment, our last moment with our baby. I'm not sure how long we stay like that but when I hear a knock on the door I know it's time. Aspen enters the room and I lean down and whisper I love you before handing Rafe to Giovanni, my heart breaking piece by piece as I let my son go. Giovanni murmurs to Rafe in Italian and then places him back in the clear bassinet.

Aspen comes to my bedside. "I'm going to go ahead and remove your IV, any pain medication you need will be taken orally now that you're awake."

I nod silently but my eyes stay focused on my baby and I don't even feel her remove the IV tube. I don't feel anything but empty and sad. She helps me swing my legs to the side of the bed and scoot toward the edge. I blink down at the yellow hospital socks covering my feet as they touch the ground. My legs are shaky at first and my lower body feels oddly heavy but with Aspen at my side I slowly make it to the bathroom.

My mind is miles away as she fills a clear bottle with water and explains what to do with the other things that are placed on the counter. She demonstrates how to use the bottle as she squeezes it and liquid squirts out the narrow tip. Once she's done she exits the bathroom to give me some privacy. I successfully relieve my bladder, use the products she left for me, wash my hands and then open the door.

"Are you ready to go see baby number two?" Aspen asks, guiding me to the wheelchair. I give another nod as if it's the only reply I can seem to muster since handing Rafe to Giovanni. "When we get back you can take a shower if you want and there's some paperwork that needs to be filled out. Giovanni filled out most of it but he wasn't sure which baby would have which name." Aspen adds as I ease onto the wheelchair.

I hadn't know for sure until I saw them.

Aspen opens the door and Giovanni pushes me out of the room in the wheel chair. I feel eyes on me as we go down the hall, feel them scanning over my haggard appearance and taking note of the expression on my face. I don't have the energy to wear my model mask, can't conjure up enough feeling to even care that they can see the emptiness in my eyes. I lost a piece of my soul today and I'll never get it back. Rafe will always have a part of me, I'll never be the same person I was before.