𝗰𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗸, remus lupin

˗ˋ 46

CHAPTER FORTY SIX
✧
-: sixth year :-

── IN WHICH QUESTIONS
ARE ANSWERED

. . .

Her head was leaning on his shoulder, his heartbeat reaching her ears, his arms wrapped around her shoulders, his hands knotting together around the thick material of her jumper. 

The hallways were quiet, students confined to their lessons for another hour or so, teachers alongside them. Except for Remus Lupin - who rarely missed a class if it wasn't for a full moon - and Pandora Rosier - who really only came and went as she pleased. 

It was his breath she could hear being drawn in and out, the discontented hum of his limbs as they grew weary of the constant position, his fingers swirling around the curved, neat ends of her hair, his scent of milky tea, stained ink, parchment that settled too close to the fire and the library of Pandora's home when she opened the curtains in the summer.

Suddenly everything was enveloped in Remus Lupin.

Suddenly, everything she could sense was about him. Everything she could feel, everything she could see, everything she could smell, everything she could touch. It was all him. 

And oddly enough, despite the throwing of charged, haphazard arguments between the both of them minutes before, words they intended to hurt the other, truths and questions they had kept hidden for so long - and overall the memories they had been forced to forget resurfacing, Pandora didn't mind it so much.

Remus had said awful things - but she had done much worse, and whether her mother taught her what was right and wrong or not, even Pandora knew that.

And as for the Lupin, he couldn't remember a time he hadn't felt so guilty. He didn't want to, knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help it. Hearing the words spill from her mouth with the filter of sadness that had never been there before, it made him feel awful.

And then Merlin - he had made her cry. Pandora Rosier, who had never shown an ounce of remorse since arriving, whom his friends hated and told him to stay away from but he felt inexplicably drawn to, who had never tasted Butterbeer or attended a party, who he allowed to invade his thoughts for God knows why - he had made her cry.

But whether Remus felt guilt or not, he knew he had let it go on for too long. He shouldn't have bottled up the questions , he should have just asked her outright why she had picked him, not waited for months to do it and find the reason so heartbreakingly sad.

If it was anyone else, he wouldn't have believed it. They were sixteen - sixteen - and although Remus could list the people who really truly cared about him on two hands, at least he had that. Pandora really didn't have anyone. 

Her mother was a psychopath, killed her only attempt at making a friend and no doubt several others before dying at the hands of her own father who was then carted off to a Psychiatric Hospital and in no fit state for Azkaban and it appeared, to Remus at least, that those three people were the only ones who had ever been around her. 

He had never met someone who was truly alone until the girl he cradled in his arms. There was no question now - the butterflies had manifested themselves as a result of not only her uncontrolled magic and lack of education, but also her loneliness.

"I'm so sorry." Remus found hiimself repeating, hands twisting around the fabric of her jumper. "Pandora - I'm so sorry.. I - I.. I promise, I'll keep trying to understand you, keep helping you with things - I'll continue to do it, no questions asked. I promise, I will - I swear." 

He didn't realise how desperate it sounded; how desperate he was for this not to be the be-all end-all. 

She pulled away at that, and he couldn't deny the ache she had left behind, a soft glow over his shoulder. His hands loosened, but remained around her waist. "I..." This was different, new to her, and she didn't know how to face it.

Remus waited with baited breath for her reply, watching a flicker of confusion across her face, settling in her eyes. If she could just accept it then everything would be somewhat alright again and he could keep being friends with her.

But if she didn't want that, he didn't blame her. 

"I don't know." Finally the words came tumbling out, quiet, tear-strained and more honest than anything else she had ever said to him. 

"You don't know?" Remus blinked, repeating the words back to her. He watched her for a moment, hands fiddling in her lap, a couple of fingers brushing against the end of his tie. He cleared his throat. "What don't you know?" He asked.

"Why you would do that.. I've not given you any reason for you to stay." Pandora swallowed, the action returning her voice and tone to how it had always been. "I didn't give you a reason for you to want to help me, I just told you why I didn't instantly dismiss you like I have with all others."

"Pandora." Remus could have sworn at the confusion but knew she wasn't bound to get it straight away. "Have you not considered that it's because of all those reasons that I want to help?" He didn't even think as he rose a hand to her cheek, wiping away the remains of tears. "Have you considered that because I tried, I've grown to care for you? That confirming that you know about what happened almost a decade ago has only added to that, because even though you feel that it's somewhat insignificant and that you've changed since that morning I know - I really know - that the person who gave me her coat without thinking is still you?"

He had moved his hand, pointed finger jabbing at  a space over her chest. "You're still her, Pandora, no matter how you act now. And I think that's why I can't leave you alone, why I can't turn a blind eye or ignore you. Because I thought about that girl for years, and now I finally have a chance to get to know her and her kindness."

✧

a/n
my exams are over so 
we're back to regular
schedules of every saturday
(also i published the first
chapter of my reggie fic so pls
check it out) tysm for 
waiting for so long <3