Still In Love With You

We'll Never Forget

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS THE CONTINUED TOPIC THAT WILL DEAL WITH THE LOSS OF MISCARRIAGE. IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS TOPIC, I ADVISE YOU TO SKIP THIS CHAPTER. IF YOU ARE STILL SUFFERING FROM PPD I ADVISE YOU TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP, REACH OUT TO YOUR LOVED ONES, YOU DON'T HAVE TO FACE THIS ALONE. 💙🤍💞

💙💞🤍💙💞🤍💙💞🤍💙💞🤍💙💞🤍

Logan

The next hours were the hardest I've had to live. I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration as I saw Sophie crying, enduring the pain of each contraction as it all came to an end. I held her when she asked me to, held her hand, soothed her back, wiped her tears, and endured when she'd pushed me as she tried to bear the pain and heartache.

There were times when she'd yell at me, pushing me on my chest as she demanded I'd get out of the room. I'd stand by the door outside of her room while she cried and complained to the heavens for what we were going through, allowing myself to cry. I tried touching it out in front of her, holding back my tears, but it was getting harder and harder as the time came closer to say goodbye.

I had called mom and Mr. Patterson to let them know. It was hard, and I was without words, to say the least.

When it was all over, the doctor gave us a moment as we said goodbye to our little one. Just days before my birthday, it was supposed to be a happy moment for us. Yet, now we're here, mourning the loss of our baby. Our tiny tadpole had already begun to develop tiny folds of what would become the arms, as the doctor explained. The eyes were beginning to form. This was hard, it was very hard for me to see, but I needed to. I needed some type of memory for myself to hold onto.

I sat at the doctor's office, waiting for her to talk to me, I concentrated on my hands as I fought back tears. A soft knock brought me out of my thoughts of guilt and anger. "Logan?" the doctor said softly as she came in. I sighed and stood up, holding out my hand to shake hers. She pulled me into a hug, a much-needed hug that made me break. I cried in her arms as the elderly doctor tightened her hold on me. "It's ok, son. Everything will be ok with time, I promise. I know it's hard, believe me, I know, but you and Sophie have each other. You will get through it, together."

I sighed, looking away as we undid our hug. She gave me a moment to calm myself down, and we began to talk about what was to come next. Mom and Mr. Patterson were with Sophie, giving her support as I sat in here.

"How long will it take Doc?"

"It all depends on her son. She has great support from all of you, but it's just as important that she seeks help as it is for you." I looked at her confused, "What do you mean?" she gave me a sad smile, tilting her head and interlacing her fingers together. "I mean that... Just like the mother can fall into an emotional roller coaster after a miscarriage, so can the father. Logan, you both are young, you can try for another baby soon, but before that happens I want to make sure that you both are mentally ready to do so. Depression is not an easy subject to talk about, but I should tell you that it can happen. I've seen it many times. Depression comes in many forms." she says turning her swiveled chair around and grabbing a few pamphlets from behind her.

"Both Sophie and you can become irritable, angry, emotional, and even violent. I hope... It doesn't come to that, but, it can happen. I need you to keep me posted. If you see changes in Sophie, such as loss of appetite, loss of interest, she stops doing things she normally likes to do like hanging out with her friends and family, makes excuses to not go out... These are signs she may be undergoing postpartum depression. It's particularly worse in cases of a miscarriage. So please, keep a close eye on her. But, I need you to consider these things for yourself as well. I will always be here if you need someone to talk to, ok son?"

We talked for a long time, she was wise and gave me a few comfort words I needed to hear at this moment.

When I went back to the room, Sophie had finally fallen asleep. Mom came up from her seat next to Sophie's bed and gave me a tight hug, followed by Mr. P. That man had been a great support to me the last few years. He never ceases to surprise me with his huge heart.

"Sweetheart. We are all here for you. For both of you. I know this is hard, but we will get through it together... As a family."
✨✨✨✨✨

💞💙Three weeks later💙💞

Sophie

I held Nathan's hand. This was hard for me to do, but we needed to, for us to have closure. We decided to have a small ceremony for our baby and bury our baby next to mom. It was us, our parents, and close friends only. A few of our town folks stood by us as well, and though I wanted to be alone, the whole town surprised me to how loving they were.

They sent flowers, smothered me with hugs, and showered our baby's gasket with plushies, flowers, and beautiful letters. "It's not just your loss. It's a loss for our whole town. We will all... Hold a dear place in our hearts for this baby. We want to commemorate if it's ok with you both, by making this special sitting in memory of your baby." Our mayor had somehow found out about our loss.

He and his family had shown up to our ceremony and surprised us by taking us to a special area where many folks had arranged to look like a dream garden for all the babies that had passed in our town. The mayor had made a special bench, with a plaque and an engraving that said, (IN MEMORY OF THE SPENCER'S BABY. A MOMENT WITH US, BUT FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS) I cried when I saw the engraving, and hugged Logan tightly.

Nathan kneeled before the bench, running his little fingers across the little sleeping angel under the words. "You are always going to have a big brother. I will always miss you, baby brother." I tilted my hands as he spoke his words. I somehow always felt my baby was going to be a boy, though it was too early to tell, my heart just knew.

Logan and he placed punk and blue roses around the bench, and the days that followed, each time I came back, there were more flowers and stuffed animals placed around the bench and his grave.

I was losing interest in my daily tasks. I didn't want to do anything but stay in my room. Logan had made me promise that I'd try to eat and to stop looking at the ultrasounds, but it was so hard. I had no appetite, and the only thing that gave me a bit of comfort was to see those ultrasounds of my little peanut.

Nothing seemed to matter anymore. I was angry, hurt, irritable, and sad all at once. I had stopped asking for why and realized the conclusion that it was all my fault. If I had taken it easy and taken better care of myself as the doctor had told me... None of this would have happened. My little peanut would probably still be alive and well.

My stomach misses those tiny butterfly-like feelings of his movements and is left with a feeling of emptiness. What's worse is, I still have morning sickness, I still deal with nausea, and the headaches, the dizziness. The doctor said it's normal because my hormones are still unbalanced, but... What of it is fair? That my baby is gone, yet I still have to bear all the symptoms, reminding me of his loss?

It's too much, and I don't know how much longer can bear.

💞💙🤍💞💙🤍💞💙🤍💞💙🤍💞💙🤍