13. Go with the Flow

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The hospital is the one place you go when you are sick

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The hospital is the one place you go when you are sick. It is a place where you go to get better but that's not in my case. I never visited a hospital in the past four years. 

When Mr Arnold told me that we'll go to the hospital, I was sceptical about it but I never wanted to show my weakness to anyone. I just wanted to hide myself from everybody. But bloody hell, he saw me in my most vulnerable condition. I was so ashamed of myself.

The moment my eyes opened to the sight of the hospital, I felt the urge to run home. Flashes of my pathetic state ran in front of my eyes, I was so bloody embarrassed. Mr Arnold saw me in the worst condition. I wanted to run away but I was too weak to move. I was in so much pain that I wanted to scream. I wanted to die but I couldn't even do that.

The nurse who attended to me was so kind and concerned. She told me I was knocked out for a few hours. I sighed, she was monitoring me when a doctor around my age came to check on me. "How do you feel now Miss?" he had a friendly smile on his face.

I tried to speak but my throat was dry and I could not make a sound."Here." The nurse gave me a cup of water. I drank it quickly. I felt better after that. I looked at the doctor who was busy writing something. "Are you taking any antidepressants Miss?", his question caught me off guard. I was so shocked that I couldn't even answer him.

A knock on the door interrupted my silence. I glanced over the doctor's shoulder and saw Mr Arnold, standing outside. The doctor looked at him and nodded for him to come in. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even bring myself to look at him but when I did, I was overwhelmed by the sight of him. He looked extremely tired. His perfectly styled hair looked like a mess as if he had run his hands in them multiple times. 

"Miss," said the doctor. "I'm afraid you have been knocked out for the past four, reason being a panic attack. I've given you a sleeping pill so that you can sleep well." He continued, "I also gave you medication for your cold, luckily it's not contagious but I'll have to keep you here-", before he could finish, I quickly shouted out, "No! I can't stay here."

I wasn't going to stay there any longer. I wanted to get out of the hospital as soon as possible. Before I could get out of bed, the doctor was quick in restraining me. The nurse held me down till I calmed down.

"Let me go," I begged. "I'll be okay." The doctor's eyes softened as he tried to reason why I should not leave but my reel was stuck on the fact that I can't stay in a hospital even for a damn second anymore. I was determined to leave. The hospital reminds me of my mother's wails. It reminds me of how much of a coward I were. I didn't care I was embarrassing myself in front of Mr Arnold again, all I could care was I can't stay in this hell for a second more.

I looked at Mr Arnold and for the first time, I wanted him to help me. I tried to stop the tears that were rolling down my cheeks.

I am so freaking pathetic!

I was so ashamed to be crying in front of him. But he was my only hope at the moment. He was the only one who could help. "Please help me to go home," I appealed to him. His grey eyes were fuming with anger. I don't know why?

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