Thirty Four

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Arden.
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I woke up the following morning in his arms, in his bed. I do my best not to wake him as I turn my body, as I stare at the sleeping boy.

He's so peaceful, so beautiful. I can't stop myself from reaching out and tracing his jaw with my finger. You know, it's kinda fun to pretend. Pretend that I could have this, have him.

After staring and tracing his face for minutes, I move my hand down. Tracing his neck, then his chest, then his arms.

Will's arms tighten around me, pulling me tightly against his body. I gasp when I feel his hardness against me.

"You're going to need to stop, or else we are going to have a repeat of last night."

An ache shoots down to my core, as I remember exactly what event he's talking about. Or, events. Wanting my ache to be taken care of, I comb my hand over his abs.

"And what's wrong with that?" I ask, my voice being more hoarse then I meant. Either from the thoughts flying though my head, or the fact that I had just woken up.

He groans, pushing me to my back and trapping me against the bed with his arms. The heat from the lust in his eyes could burn these sheets, burn me.

I grind my hips up, encouraging him. He responds by pressing himself closer against me. I let out a sigh.

What's that saying about being against two hard things? Whoever was complaining about that, clearly had never been in my position.

   I huff, when he pulls back and falls to his back. "Now what was that for?" I ask, turning to my side. He does the same.

   "I'd never leave this room." He smiles.

His amused smile drops, and his face is replaced with something I couldn't pinpoint.

   "What?" I ask.

   "I want you to fall in love with me."

    I would of never guessed he would have said that. I am so shocked, I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to think. I just stay frozen, staring in his eyes. Afraid to move, scared to look away.

   "Will..."

   "I know you think I'm too good for you." I wish I could know exactly what he was thinking. "But the truth is, I'm not. I'm not even close. You're too good for me."

   "I'm not." Oh, if he knew. If he knew would he still be looking at me with those eyes?

   His hand brushes the side of my face. "You went through so much, and you didn't let it break you."

   I want him to stop, I want him to not whisper these sweet things in my ears. It's driving me crazy. These feelings weren't part of the plan.

   "Arden, I..." No. I know what he's goes to tell me. He's going to say the three words you can't take back. And I don't deserve them, I don't deserve him.

I'm taking this plan and throwing it in the trash. The mission has been scrapped, the mission is aborted.

   "Please, stop." I manage to choke out. I can't do this to him. "Stop."

   His hand drops from my face. I sit up, unable to bare his gaze. "Arden."

   "Please." I shout, tears starting to pool in my eyes. "Don't say it." Not now, not when I haven't been honest. Not when he feels that way for someone who isn't me.

   "Why? Because you don't feel the same way?" His voice is laced with hurt. Hurt I was causing him. Hurt he didn't deserve.

   "I don't, I don't know if I can love anyone." I say. That was another lie. One to add to my many. I know I could love him, I just won't let myself.

   He walks in front of me. Touching my chin gently, and lifting it up. "Ok." He says, "That doesn't change how I feel about you."

   "I want to." I say, which is true. I want to love him. But I want to love him purely.

   "When you can, or when you're ready to, I'll be right here. Ready for you to fall in love with me."

   But you won't, I wanted to say. Because I will never let myself love him. Not until I deserved to, and I never will. Because he's one of the good ones, and I'm not.

"I don't feel the same way." I sigh getting up. Lying so well, I almost convince myself. I turn my body walking towards the door, not wanting to look at his face. "I can't love you now," I sigh getting up. "And I don't think I ever will."

   "You're serious?" A bitter laugh leaves his throat.

   I refuse to look at him. "This was fun."

   "Fun?" Another bitter one. I don't answer him. I don't know what else to say. All I do know is that I can't keep playing this game with him. I can't do this to him knowing it's my fathers orders. So this is me, letting him go.
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