QUEEN OF HEARTS

24. I STILL WANT YOU.

LUCAS.

Standing infront of the mirror, I gaze at my coal black hair, some of the loose bangs falling across my face and lightly covering my eyes that are deep black and penetrating, reminding me of the darkness that surrounds me. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I'm all alone, trapped in my own body and mind. The more I stare back at my reflection in the mirror the more I hate the man looking back at me. I hate what I see.

It's fucking dark and empty inside me.

I'm empty and stuck.

Maybe that's why people fear and avoid me at all costs, because my world is full of chaos, emptiness, pain and secrets. Nobody wants to be close to someone who's lost, cold hearted and destroys everything he touches. That's why I'm better off alone.

People have called me a monster and I don't blame them. I'm a fucked up mess and it's all my fault, there's no good inside me. What the fuck happened to me to make me this numb and cold. I can't feel shit sometimes and I'm empty inside. Is this what pain can do to you. Eat you up until you're nothing?

Pain and agony turned me into an empty shell and I'm stuck, awake day in day out in a dead body. The real me is lost, long gone and I don't think he'll ever come back.

What the hell is wrong with me?

What happened to the real me?

My own thoughts are killing me right now.

"Hey dickhead, hurry the fuck up!" Jakoda's irritating voice sounds from outside the house startling me, my mind so far away. Averting my gaze from the mirror, I slip on my black combat boots, lacing them up before exiting the room and joining him in the car. It's past midnight now, my dad and sister fast asleep. I can't seem to fall asleep though and have been awake for hours lost and staring into space. So I would rather go out, party and have a few drinks than stay in bed overthinking and killing my own happiness.

Opening the door to the driver's seat I get in, snatching the keys from Tk who's in the passenger seat. We never let him drive because he's terrible at it and drives like a deranged maniac. We almost died a few times because of his recklessness. Jakoda and Malin are in the backseat arguing about irrelevant shit as usual. Apart from my family, my bestfriends are the only people who get me the most. Even when I push them away, they find their way back to me. Maybe because we understand one another's pain and have experienced a lot of shit together. From betrayals to heartbreaks, we've survived it all.

We don't let all that hurt and pain tear us apart, instead we use it as a stepping stone to greatness. That's why we strive for the best and work our asses off to achieve our dreams and change our lives for the better as well as our families'. We keep going and staying true to ourselves because we know all these hardships will be worth it in the end. It's a tough walk but the toughest walks always lead to the greatest destinations. I see tremendous success in the future. I want all of us to succeed. Not just me, all of us.

There are friends, there's family. Then there are friends that become family. Whenever I'm lost and empty I run to my bestfriends because they feel like home. They're home. We've cried and laughed together and it's all beautiful. After all, life is full of happiness and sadness, we just have to find a way to navigate through everything and come out strong.

I care about Malin, Jakoda and Tk alot so when someone messes with them, that person is messing with me. When it comes to the three of them, I'm the most protective, dangerous and ruthless man. Hurt them and I'll break you into tiny pieces, cross them and I'll burn you down to ashes. I'm a fierce man and nobody should dare trifle with the people dear to me.