Desire - Merddison

Chapter One

Meredith's POV

Shepherd. Addison Shepherd. As beautiful and attractive as she is, in this moment, I hate her. And I hate Derek. But I also love him. My heart feels like it's going to break out of my chest and just fall out. I need to get away from them both but in this moment, my legs just feel rooted to this spot. I couldn't feel them. I couldn't feel anything. Apart from hurt, anger, heartache and all consuming rage.

I finally move. I run, I escape the 'happy couple' who are now bickering, until I find myself at Joe's bar opposite the hospital. The bar that is usually filled with those of us who work at the hospital.

I sat down on the barstool and ordered myself a shot of tequila. And another. And another.

"Let's play a game of whose life sucks the most. I'll win. I always win." I say to Cristina and George as they sit down and join me at the bar.

"No, you don't wanna play with me." She says back to me.

"Oh, I do. I'll even go first... Derek's married." I reply. Whilst George spits out his beer at the complete shock of what I've just said. If I wasn't in such a shitty mood, I probably would've laughed my ass off at that.

"George, beer is dripping from your nostrils." Cristina says to him as he leaves to go and clean himself up.

"Told you I would win." I sigh to Cristina.

"No, you don't win."

"Did you hear me? I said Derek is married. As in pigheaded, adulterous, liar married. Nothing you say could top that."

"I'm pregnant." And with that revelation I am floored. She's pregnant. Cristina Yang... pregnant.

Out of nowhere, Joe, the bartender suddenly collapses.

"OK, maybe Joe wins."

***

We came back to the hospital after poor Joe got taken in to check in on him and see how he is. I ask Cristina questions about the pregnancy and who on earth she was sleeping with. Anything to distract myself from being anywhere near Derek. Which I knew would end up happening since Joe needed a neuro surgeon.

"Why are you back here tonight? Don't you have a date with McDreamy?" Izzie asked me as she saw me, Cristina and George approach the nurses desk.

"More like McMarried." George says.

"McWhat?" She replied. Married. That being said out loud just broke my heart even more. As if someone had just reached down my throat and crushed it completley.

"I came to check on Joe." I say, trying to change the conversation, because if I speak about him anymore then I honestly will just succumb to the pure rage I felt right now.

"Do you think he's gonna be okay?" George asked.

"You think he's gonna need an operation?" Cristina asked. Anything that required surgery was bound to attract her interest.

And then he walks up to the nurses desk too. And in this moment, I want to pummel my fist into his face.

"Operation, yes. OK, hard to tell. Basilar artery's blown up like a balloon. Subarachnoid bleeding. Aneurysm the size of a golf ball." He replies to the both of them while occassionally making eye contact with me.

"No way to clip something like that."

"Not without magic fingers."

"Or a standstill operation." Of course Derek would bring up a surgery which you rarely ever get to see.

"You're doing a standstill..?! He's doing a standstill operation." Cristina exclaims, despite getting looks from George and Izzie.

"I'd like to try. First I need some additional patient history, overnight labs, and a cerebal angio." Derek replies as he attemps to hand the chart to me.

Does he really believe that giving me this case is going to make me forgive him and forget the fact that he failed to mention at all that he's married. Which only adds to my rage.

"I'm drunk." I reply bluntly. I storm off whilst George grabs the chart. I hear Izzie call him a 'McBastard' under her breath before Derek follows me and calls my name. Seriously, who does he think he is?

"Meredith!!"

"Go away!" I shout back at him. What could he honestly say that would make any of this better?

"Just wait. We should discuss this."

"Heres a thought, no! Quit following me!"

"At least let me explain."

"Explain? You know when you should have explained? The night we met in the bar. Before any of the rest of it. Yeah, that would have been a good time to discuss it!" I shout angrily back to him."

"Look, I know how you feel." Really? Really Derek, I thought to myself. How could he say that as if he had ever fallen so deeply and so quickly for someone who turns out to be married. MARRIED.

"Do you? Somehow I doubt that. Because if you did, you would shut up, and you would turn around and go back inside, because you would realise that I am this close to getting in my car and running you down in the parking lot!" I scream as I walk away, seriously contemplating running him over because my god that idea really seems so damn appealing right now.

George comes running up to me with an umbrella since it's now pissing it down with rain. Not that I noticed. Or even cared at this point.

"Where are your keys?" He gently asks me.

"I'm fine!" I reply. I'm not fine. But right now I really don't want to get into this.

"Meredith, give me your keys. Let's go home."

***

I'm finally back at home and am now in sweatpants and my Dartmouth top, drinking tequila straight from the bottle. Except at this point, I honestly don't think there is enough tequila in the world that would help at all right now. I partly wish Derek was here, only so I could throw this now empty bottle at his face.

How could he not tell me he was married? And that his wife was this extremely hot woman with seemingly nerverending legs, flaming red hair and gorgeous facial features. Like holy crap that woman is beautiful. And I HATE that. All this time I've been 'the other woman', the 'dirty mistress'. I am now the mistress. One thing in life I never ever wanted to become. What will people think of me? They'll hear I slept with another woman's husband and that will be the end of it, I will be the bad person in this situation, I will be the woman who betrayed another woman by having a relationship with the person they are married too.

And now at this point, I'm sitting against my bedroom door, onto the next bottle whilst crying my eyes out. Only hours ago I was actually feeling happy, I was feeling content. And hours before that, we decided to have rules to our relationship, AND actually call this a relationship. Yet in the space of a mere few hours, it's all come crashing down and burning all around me.

I have now come to the conclusion that someone up there hates me. And that I can't have good things in my life. That I'm better of without anyone and staying alone. Because every damn time I have something good happening in my life, something will always come along and ruin it.

I'm done. With Derek. With relationships. With men. With all of it.