Desire - Merddison

Chapter Nine

Meredith's POV

All I can think about right now is the possibility my mother could have liver cancer. But the shocking truth is, is that I'm more worried she doesn't have it. Who is more afraid that their mother doesn't have cancer? It's horrible. But with Alzheimers, it's slow, you slowly watch the person you love fade away and become a shell of the person they used to be, knowing that they don't have a clue what's going on, or who you are, or anyone. Liver cancer is quick. It would put her out of her misery. It would kill her faster, it would be more painful physically, but Alzheimers is mentally painful on the person with it, and their loved ones.

I sat and discussed it with Alex. He seemed to understand. Which I'm glad of, because I sound like a horrible person for being more afraid that my mom doesn't have cancer.

***

Me and George sit by the nurses station waiting for the biopsy results and at this point I'm exhausted, my palms are sweaty and my heart is racing. This has been one hell of a day. And I just can't wait for it to be over.  Izzie came over to us and sat down next to us.

"Mer, I need to talk to you." She says to me.

"What is it Iz?"

"I was just up in the NICU... She-Shepherd and Derek were in the room with the preemie. They don't know I was stood outside, and I probably shoudn't have been eavesdropping, but she was telling them what options they have, none of the options involved them seperating and divorcing. And then they kissed... I'm so sorry Mer." She said sadly to me.

I didn't know what to feel. Outrage, heart break, hurt, sadness, jealousy. I should've known someone as stunning as Addison would be able to win Derek back. Am I jealous of her or jealous of him? I don't know. But I do know that I still want him. Despite everything, I do.

"Oh.. well.. good for them." I say back to her, trying to sound optimistic.

"Hey did you get your mom's biopsy results back yet?" Izzie asks, thankfully changing the subject.

"Not yet."  George answers for me.

"How's Cristina?" I ask changing the subject once again.

Izzie sighs to me, "She's ah... she's gonna have a lot of pain for a few days but she'll be ok."

"I'm glad you were there."

"Are you?" She asked me back, sounding unsure.

"Yes I am."

"It's just..." she chuckles before continuing, "it's just that a lot of the time it feels like you and Cristina are kinda over there and... I'm here."

I don't want to sound like a shit friend, but right now I can't deal with her non stop jealousy over mine and Cristina's friendship. So guess what, I change the subject once again before the lab tech approachs us with the results of my mother's biopsy.

Benign.

No cancer. Right here in this moment, but heart drops. She's going to have a slow, exhausting and mentally draining death where her illness is just going to keep advancing until she doesn't recognise a single thing anymore.

"Let her know." I sigh to George after I hand him the lab results to go give to my mom since she's his patient. I begin to walk away when Izzie asks me if I'm okay.

"No, I'm not ok." I say as I carry on walking off.

I'm not okay. I'm not. My mother has advanced Alzheimers, she's only gonna get worse, she barely even recognises me half the time, my boyfriend is married, I mean ex boyfriend, my ex boyfriend is going to get back with his hot wife, and the hot wife is hot, sexy, smart, amazing, and so I'm confused because I'm struggling to hate her because she's pretty damn amazing, confused about why I keep thinking these things about her. When Izzie said they had kissed, part of me wished that I was Derek and she was kissing me. Maybe it's not about her, maybe it's that I want revenge... maybe? To hurt him the way he hurt me? I don't know. All I do know, is that I really am not okay. I'm exhausted.

I head outside into the dark and sit down on a bench and start crying, tears I've been fighting back for so long now, not wanting anyone to see those tears. Not wanting anybody really to see just how beaten down I feel. How is it that not too long again, I felt happy, I felt content, like everything was going to be okay and I had found the person I would settle down with, and now, I'm sat on a bench, in the dark and freezing cold, crying my eyes out because all of that has just turned upside down now. How can things change that quickly? And become this?

"Meredith.." I hear his voice, subtle, quiet, gentle.

"Oh.." I say softly back after realising it was Derek.

"Meredith." He say's gently again. I know he was going to say something about it all, about him telling me what happened between him and his wife, but I just didn't want to hear that right now.

"Dont.." I sob, "Please, please just don't say anything."

"Okay." He says sadly back to me.

He's still standing in the same spot, so I  stand up too and walk around the bench towards him before I stop in front of him and see the concerned look on his face.

"I'm just exhausted. My mother is exhausting. What happened to Cristina, and you. Hating you is the most exhausting." I grab his face and give him and soft kiss on the lips. "I don't want to do it anymore."

I turn around and walk back into the hospital leaving Derek still standing there, stunned.

Addison's POV

I came downstairs to the lobby ready to go outside and grab some fresh air after the day I've had. I see Meredith and Derek stood there talking to one another, she had been crying. And I felt partly to blame for that. In fact I am partly to blame for that. And I feel so guilty, that I've made another woman like this, a woman who is brilliant, smart, beautiful and so much more, I've caused her so much hurt.

Stop feeling like this Addie. You want Derek back. As horrible as it sounds, you want him back. You don't want him to go to Meredith.

I watch her take his face in her hands and give him a soft kiss. I wonder how it feels to be kissed by her. OH MY GOD Addie STOP. I feel that familiar pang of jealousy once again. So who is he going to choose? Because he didn't pull away first from Meredith, she pulled away first. And when I kissed him early, he still didn't pull away first, I did.

But I have now come to the conclusion that the reason why I keep thinking this way about Meredith, is because I thought if it was me and Meredith doing the kissing and the relationship, then I would find out why Derek maybe didn't want me anymore. So I could experience and see it for myself to understand why he chose to have a relationship with her. That's it. I don't actually want to be kissing Meredith, I don't want to hold her in my arms, I don't want a thing with her, it's just my brain that wants to know what Derek saw. That is it.

Although, Derek never said anything back to me earlier. So maybe he doesn't want me and he does want Meredith after all. And if that was the case then I may as well just leave Seattle.