Beautifully Obsessed

Chapter Forty-Seven: I don't want to be me anymore

26/02/2022

I heard this song and it reminded me of the way Embry feels right know, so I included it in the chapter!

I hope you enjoy,

~Aphrodite

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(Noah's POV)

Balancing the tray of food in my hand, I unlocked the door and pushed it open with my foot. The sight I was met with was interesting to say the least, her soft singing met my ears as she remained lying inhumanly still on the floor in front of me. Wearing nothing but a t-shirt of mine. Placing the tray down on the desk, I stood silently and watched her, not wanting to interrupt her moment.

"Couldn't really love you any more

You've become my ceiling

I don't think I love you anymore

That gold mine changed you

You don't have to hold me anymore

Our cave's collapsing"

"I don't want to be me anymore"

I wasn't really sure if she was even aware I had entered the room, her song coming out in a quiet broken whisper. A lone tear making it's trail down the side of her head, landing on the floor beneath her.

"Hey baby, you okay?" Her blank stare hit me hard as she sat up, weakly nodding. I could feel myself physically recoil at how broken she looked. Usually I would have been happy to have her in such a weak state, but she is and has always been my Embry. And my Embry had never looked so defeated.

Moving so I was kneeling, I held my arms out for a hug, "it's okay, little bug, you're okay." My body was knocked back with the force she slammed herself into me, wrapping her hands painfully tight around me. "Why won't it stop, I need it to stop" she whimpered, her form shaking in my arms. "What baby, what won't stop?" I muttered, rubbing comforting patterns with my hand on her back.

"T-the pain, the thoughts, it was meant to get better, it always got better when I had you." Her voice sounded hollow as she squeezed herself tighter against me.

Slowly as to not alarm her, I lifted us both from the floor, sitting down on the edge of the bed with her now wrapped around my body, her face hiding in my shirt. "Talk to me Embry, let it out" I whispered, "it feels how it felt when you left, I wasn't meant to feel it again, you were meant to fix it Noah, why can't you fix me?" her voice gradually rising into a broken sob.

"What feeling, little bug?" I gently kissed her temple as she pulled back, looking me dead in the eye.

"I don't want to be here anymore"

Her words felt like a punch to the stomach, as much as I would have hated it, I wish she had meant this house, this room when she said 'here'. But I knew exactly what she meant, this Earth. "No baby, I can fix you, you know I can" I forced a smile, as I took her face between my hands so she was once again looking at me.

A gut wrenching hopelessness swirling around her eyes. "This time it feels different Noah" she muttered, shaking her head. "What's different about it?" I brushed her hair back gently as it sat messily on her head. "You weren't the one who broke my heart this time Noah" she trailed off quietly as I fought the urge to push her from my lap.

"You're mine Embry, your heart belongs to me, and you're just overwhelmed by everything that happened, but trust me when I say he didn't break your heart because it never belonged to him" my hands balled into fists.

I watched as her eyes flitted to the ground in shame, and just like that I had her back. "I'm sorry" she whimpered out, resting her head against my shoulder, this time lacking the emptiness.

Maybe I couldn't fix her, but I could break her in a different way.

(Embry's POV)

"I'm sorry" I sniffled, welcoming the changing of feelings that took place inside of me. I'd rather fear him than myself. "I brought you food, do you think you're up for eating?" My face scrunched up at the mention of food he had gotten, the food he had left me for, the reason Sebastian came in so easily and set back all the progress I had made. Or at least the progress I convinced myself I had made.

"Yes please" I smiled gently at him. We both sat in silence as I ate, my thoughts running too wild for me to even try to make conversation.

 It was different with Sebastian. It didn't leave me with the same kind of pain Noah had, I think after everything I had been through I made a deeper connection with him than with Noah. Noah was more like a childhood connection, but Sebastian, well it was more mature, I wasn't a five year old making a stupid choice that would dictate the rest of my life. No with Sebastian, well I wanted it. 

I wanted to be full of hate, at Noah, at Sebastian, at the world. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't hate them. Even though my heart shattered because of what Sebastian did, it still beats for him. I long for his presence, his touch, his normalcy. I felt like I was going in circles, repeating the exact same feelings that I went through when Noah first took me that Sunday morning, except it was nothing like that. 

Noah had an unhinged way about loving and caring for me but Sebastian's, his was soft, passionate, earnest. I felt empty because I knew I couldn't let myself forgive Sebastian this time, I couldn't hand him over my trust, even though some still lingered within me, but I didn't want to go back to living without him in my life.

Things with him were intense, they were new, they were different. Chasing routine and comfort within the familiar things was what gave me this burn in my chest and scar on my heart, I wanted different.

I wanted him.

But I knew I couldn't have him without the betrayals and the lies and to be honest it was the same with Noah. The only difference was I was used to Noah's, I never expected anything other than that from him. I was becoming immune to the hurt he dished out to me.

Observing him now, I could see the way his eyes settled on me, I was nothing more than a prize to him, a source of comfort, his gaze was objectifying. The way Sebastian looked at me though, it made my heart beat with excitement in my chest, left me breathless in a good way, it made me feel like I was worthy of good things. And I wanted to stop believing that all those had been real, that it would have been impossible to fake something like that, but I didn't know how.

My thoughts and feelings were clashing with each other, each hit shattering my soul greater than the previous. I mean heck, I had literally killed somebody, and here I was eating, breathing, no more than two hours ago was I getting it on with my husband, who's brother I fell for. And then there is Indigo, I missed Indigo and Dakota, and the way we would all talk and joke and laugh. I missed Dakota's snide remarks and Indigo's scolding.

But Noah was right, I would be disgusted if I was them as well. I bet they were glad to be rid of me, they might even send a thank you card to Noah for getting me out of their lives. And no matter how much I wanted that normal kind of love with Sebastian. 

I knew the only way somebody could ever truly love me was if they were like Noah and utterly obsessed with me. Because how else would you look past all the flaws I have. You'd have to be blind with love. 

And so I wish I could be normal, one of the kind of girls who met the gaze of a cute guy across the hallway and so she gossiped about her feelings to her best friend. Whether it worked out or not changed every now and again. 

But that wasn't me, that could never be me and so I stand by what I said;

I don't want to be me anymore.