The One Where The Lines Get Kinda Blurry

The One With Jen

Jen was finishing up getting ready for her date with Tate.  She was so conflicted about whether to even go or not.  I mean the guy sounded nice enough in the brief conversation they'd had on the phone and she had been assured by Terri, and a few of the other make-up girls who also knew him, that he really was a lovely guy and she would be crazy not to at least meet up with him and see how it went. But she didn't want to go.  And the reason she didn't want to go is that her heart was already totally, one hundred percent taken.  But of course, she couldn't tell them that.  She couldn't tell anyone that, except for the one person whose heart she was hurting right now by even contemplating going out with another guy.

"Look I'm sorry ok, but what the hell did you want me to do?  Hang up the phone and look like a total bitch in front of everyone?  Or say, oh sorry I can't go out with you because I am actually secretly dating my co-star, only I am not dating him because we aren't allowed to go on any dates, in fact we aren't allowed to do anything really, we just have to sneak around all the time and try not to be seen by anyone."

She wished so hard she could take those words back.  She knew she was being unkind and unreasonable to him, but her frustration and anger at the situation they had created boiled over and spilled out onto the one person she wasn't at all angry or frustrated with.  It was such a damn mess.  She had had flings with co-stars before and they always got messy.  When would she ever learn?  Only this wasn't a fling.  This was a love, deeper and stronger than she had ever encountered in her life, and that scared her.  It scared her a lot, because if she felt so much for him when they weren't even allowed to be together as a proper couple, how much deeper would she fall if they were ever able to come out into the open and have a proper relationship?  And the harder she fell the harder it would be for her to get over him.   Wait...... why the hell was she thinking about trying to get over him though?  Just because he had stormed out last night and not called her today?  Well that was on her too.  She hadn't called him either.  But she didn't want to get over him, she never wanted to get over him, and yet there was a constant niggle at the back of her brain, like white noise but a little louder, repeatedly saying you know this is not going to end well, you know what you're doing is not right......

She stood in front of the mirror, pulling at her top and adjusting the belt on her jeans.  Was it too casual?  She wasn't sure what to wear for this date that wasn't really a date, with someone that she had no real interest in getting to know and therefore didn't really care what he thought of her.  Only she did, because she was only human and it's always nice to be liked, and she did genuinely have an interest in talking to people and finding out about them.  Maybe she could check him out as possible boyfriend material for one of her friends.  Maybe that's how she should treat the night.  That made her feel a little better.  She had a plan.

He had kindly let her pick the place and she had chosen a Mexican restaurant not too far from her home.  It was somewhere she had been a few times with her girls so it felt kind of comfortable.  He was already there when she arrived, not too surprising really as she had been her usual 20 minutes late.  'He is quite cute' she thought as he stood to greet her and pulled out her chair.  'Nice, a gentleman too, he's scoring points so far.'  They had started with a little small talk, him thanking her for accepting his out of the blue date request and assuring her that it wasn't the kind of thing he usually did at all.  In fact, he had been so scared to ask Terri to pass on the message that he had chickened out three or four times before finally plucking up the courage.  'He has lovely eyes' she thought, 'kind and friendly.'

She was amazed at how easily the conversation flowed. They had talked about all kinds of things, realising that they knew a lot of the same people and actually shared quite a few interests too.  She had been pleasantly surprised at how much he made her laugh also, something which she found endearing and actually pretty attractive.  He was very self-deprecating and not at all arrogant or self-centred.  He listened intently to everything she said, asking several questions and seemed to be genuinely interested in her answers and her story.

Before she knew it, almost three hours had passed, and the restaurant was pretty much empty.  He insisted on picking up the tab and holding her coat so she could slip it easily over her arms, before escorting her out to her car.  She had been surprised by just how much she had enjoyed the evening with him.  It had been easy, nice, relaxed and if she was completely honest, it had been lovely to go out for dinner on a date again rather than eating takeout in secret.  She hated to admit it to herself, but she missed that.  Apart from a couple of times in London, it was something she hadn't done in over a year and she suddenly felt a pang of something in her stomach, regret maybe?  Yearning for a life with less looking over her shoulder to see who was watching?  Although, that seemed like something she was going to have to get used to now anyway since her anonymity was long gone, and she couldn't blame that on the situation with David.

He stood close to her as they arrived at her car, the conversation stopping as they smiled nervously at each other. This was the key moment....... He said he had enjoyed the night immensely and would love to take her out again sometime.  At the start of the evening that was something that Jen would not have entertained for even a second, but now here she was, standing close to him and something inside her said yes.  Yes, she would like to go out with him again sometime.  Yes, she too had really enjoyed the evening and his company.  Yes, she found him quite attractive, not in an obvious "hunk" way, but his kind, gentle manner and surprising humour had endeared him to her. She heard herself accept his invitation and was not entirely sorry when he leaned in for a brief goodnight kiss.

All the way home she played the end of the night scenario in her head.  What the hell was she doing?  She loved David.  David was everything she wanted in a man and more.  Why on earth had she let Tate kiss her? Just because she had enjoyed his company and because it felt good to go on a normal date.  Was she really that shallow?  By the time she had walked in through her door and kicked off her heels she had made up her mind to call Tate tomorrow and put it right.  She couldn't go out with him again.

She noticed the message icon flashing on her answerphone and pressed play.  It was from David.  A David who had obviously been drinking.

Jen replayed the message four times as the tears rolled down her cheeks and her heart felt like it was being squeezed by an iron clamp.  What a mess.  What a total fucking mess.