The One Where The Lines Get Kinda Blurry

The One With Choices And Decisions

David sat as still as a statue, staring into the screen where the sky was ablaze with the most stunning sunset he could ever imagine. It was dramatic. It was beautiful. It was breath taking. And yet all he was interested in was the woman in the middle of it all, her hair highlighted with a seemingly glowing halo as she stared off out over the magical view.  He wasn't sure how long it had been since either of them had spoken but he still felt unable to move his tongue which was pressed hard against the roof of his mouth in an effort to stop his jaw from falling wide open.

He had actually felt his heart stop beating for a few moments as he realised just what she had told him. She hadn't got cold feet. She hadn't chosen Brad over him. She hadn't put her career first. She hadn't been threatened by someone who had found out about their relationship either, which is what he always suspected may have happened, although he had actually been somewhat closer to the truth with that thought. Instead, she had given up everything they hoped and dreamed of together, and broken her own heart as well as his in the process, in order to save him from being dragged kicking and screaming into the media spotlight and her marriage drama. She had sacrificed herself, her love and her feelings for him, so that he was free to move on unscathed, well not unscathed as he still carried the scars deep in his soul, but publicly unscathed at least. She had taken on all that extra pain and hurt at a time when she was already being dragged through hell, in the public spotlight and being drowned in accusations and assumptions, and yet she had added a huge extra burden and ton of anguish on her fragile shoulders solely in order to protect him. He couldn't remember the last time he had cried, probably the day Zoe had moved out and taken Cleo kicking and screaming from his arms, but now he sat here and he felt tears rolling down his cheeks that he was unable and unwilling to stop.

The giant fireball of sun had long since dropped down below the horizon before he finally felt able to break the silence. Jen was still lost in her own thoughts and the continuing glory of the sky in front of her and he had to call her name a few times to break her from her trance.

"Jen....... Jen........ JEN!"

"Sorry, I was a million miles away then....... are you ready to talk now or do you need some more time?"

"No, I think I'm ready....." David wiped the tears from his eyes now and sat forward in his chair so he was closer to the screen. He could see fresh tear tracks down her cheeks too as she turned in her seat to face him once again. "God, I wish we were actually together right now and not forced all these miles apart because all I want to do at this very second is to hug you tighter than I've ever done before. I honestly was not expecting to hear anything like you just told me. I can't actually believe you did that. You put yourself through all that extra agony just to shield me? Of all the things I thought you might admit to me today, I was not expecting that. All this time I came up with so many theories and mental pictures in my head, but none of them involved you doing what you did to protect me." David emptied his glass of wine and swiftly poured himself another before carrying on. "Do you or did you ever put yourself first Jen? Honestly? Does it never cross your mind to think about yourself before everybody else? You really do have the biggest and kindest heart of anyone I have ever known. And yes I know you say what you did was cruel, and I am not going to lie, you hurt me more back then than anyone ever has since or ever will again, but you are going to have to forgive yourself at some point and I suggest you do it now because you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I honestly and truly can't believe that you did that for me. I am totally and utterly stunned. I also feel a bit embarrassed to be honest, that you felt the need to protect me instead of you."

"Honey, I didn't do it because I didn't think you could handle it. I did it because I knew that if I had told you then there is no way you would have taken no for an answer. You would have put yourself directly in the firing line and taken my bullets and I couldn't allow that to happen. It was bad enough that I had to go through it, there is no way on earth I could have subjected you to any of that too."

"Did you honestly not say anything at all to Brad? How did you go home to him every night knowing what you knew? I mean I know we had our 'thing' too so I am not one to judge what goes on behind closed doors, but somehow that feels kind of different to what he did so blatantly and publicly with her, does that make any sense?"

"I just had to pretend I was playing a role. A very long, very intense.... and very painful role. And part of me did love him too. If I couldn't be with you then I thought maybe I could at least try to salvage what I had with him but he just wasn't interested. I did call him out a few times nearer the end but he point blank lied to me and told me it was all in my head or it was just gossip, and my management team just kept saying I should wait it out just a little longer, just try and carry on for a couple more weeks or months. I hated it so much but when I was there and in the middle of it all, I honestly felt like I had no other choice.  They said if I wanted to keep my career and my public image then I had to do what they said. Looking back now, there is absolutely no way on earth I would do the same again. Although if I am really honest, I stayed with Justin far longer than I would have done had it not been for the fear of being dragged through a similar sort of media storm again, so maybe I am not quite so much older and wiser as I think I am.  I wish I didn't care what people think of me..... but I'm human and I do. I like to be liked and that's probably why I've made some very bad decisions and choices along the way."

Jen paused, considering what David had said about them being different. "And yes, what you said absolutely makes sense. I always thought what you and I had was completely different to what they had too and I tried to find so many ways in my head to justify it to myself. I know we crossed some forbidden lines, well I did, you were free to do whatever you wanted to in the end, but I do honestly feel that what we had, what I forced us to give up..... that was something so special and so real that no matter how wrong what I did was, it always felt entirely right. And I'm not just talking the physical side of things although...." she raised an eyebrow and smiled, a shy sort of smile as a few precious memories flashed into her mind, ".... although that was always pretty damned good..... but the connection that we shared, that is something I have never, ever experienced with anybody else and I doubt I ever will again." She looked directly into his eyes as she said, "You were the one. You were the one I was meant to be with and I had to let you go. And I will be sorry about that until the day I die."

David said nothing for a few moments, lost in the eyes of the woman who was in reality thousands of miles away, but in his heart was right there with him. "I didn't eat for a week after that phone call where you ended it. I didn't eat, I barely slept, I'm pretty sure I didn't shower. I fueled myself with caffeine and beer, and I was a complete and utter mess. I got angry with everyone at the theatre. I yelled at people I had no right to yell at. I was mad at you..... but I was absolutely furious with myself. And do you know why? Because I couldn't hate you. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't. You broke my heart into a million pieces, you smashed my hopes and dreams of a life together and then you just walked away, back to a man I knew you didn't love in the same way as you loved me..... and all I could think of was how much you must be hurting to do what you did. I honestly thought someone must have threatened you into it, because I believed you when you said you would leave him and I knew how much you loved me because I saw it and I felt it. And no matter how angry and hurt and upset I was, I could never make myself believe that you were a bad person because you weren't.... and you aren't......"

"I'm sorry..... I'm sorry for putting you through so much pain and heartache but I promise it did come from a place of love."

"I know, I can see that now. I think I always knew that deep down." David picked up his glass of wine and took a series of small sips. "Thank you. Thank you for telling me everything. I wasn't sure I wanted to know because I thought it might make me angry or upset again... and in all honesty, I was just a fraction scared it might change my opinion of you and I really didn't want that to happen. But I don't know why I was worried. I should have known that of all the people in the world, you were the least likely to hurt someone on purpose, or at least not without a damn good reason. I have always thought you were special but now I know just what you did for me..... God Jen, it makes me want to cry again." He paused as his voice cracked and he gulped down some more wine to try and still his emotions. "And in answer to the question that you asked at the start of the evening, there is absolutely no chance of me walking away. In fact, your revelation has made me significantly more open to walking much closer back towards you. So maybe it's time to stop thinking of the past and turn our attention to the future, and explore the possibility that maybe, just maybe our story isn't quite over yet......"