The One Where The Lines Get Kinda Blurry

The One With The Leap Into The Unknown

Jen had been home alone all weekend and was set to be home alone a lot more in the coming months as Brad was involved in filming two overlapping movies. He was currently on set at one of the big Los Angeles studios for the first half of an action filled, black comedy with Angelina Jolie called Mr & Mrs Smith, which was scheduled to shoot until the end of January.  Then he was immediately off to multiple locations across the US and Europe to do Oceans 12 for three months.  And then when he returned home at the end of April it was straight back into filming the second half of the other film in LA. The timing couldn't really have been any worse in Jen's opinion. It meant that at the point in her life when she needed his support more than ever, he would be thousands of miles away for months on end, or shooting for 14-16 hours day and night in LA, which she knew by now frequently meant him bunking down in his trailer for a quick sleep rather than spending half that free time travelling there and back, coming home at all hours and disturbing her. She knew it couldn't be helped and the timing wasn't his fault, but she still felt more than a little aggrieved by it. Friends was her life, and had been since long before she had met him. It meant the world to her and the thought of it finally coming to an end was already making her heart break a little more every day.  And now she realised she was going to have to handle the emotional turmoil of it all without her husband by her side.

She didn't mind having a little time alone with her thoughts right now though. If she was honest, she desperately needed this time out to process everything that was plaguing her mind. She kept on replaying that moment in her dressing room after Friday night's show, where she had fought against her every instinct and not crossed the invisible line with David once again, even though it was the only thing she had wanted to do. She couldn't help but feel, rightly or wrongly, that as Brad was jumping back and focusing on what he had going on in his own life right now, David was once more stepping up to the plate and providing her with the stability and support and comfort that she had always been able to rely on him for. He had been an ever present in her life since they had met almost ten years earlier and she didn't even want to think about how her life would be not seeing him and talking to him almost every day. Even during the years where she had first met Brad and he had been with Mili, they had still been closer than a lot of real couples ever get to be. He was always one of the first people, in fact more often than not he was the first, she talked to if she had any worries or questions. He always made time for her, even if it meant putting himself and his feelings last, and she was so grateful and thankful to him for that. In so many ways he was her best friend. Of course, she had her wonderful circle of girls, Courteney and Lisa absolutely included in that group, and they were without doubt, more like family to her than friends. And she had her husband, who she had great fun with and who had given her so many life experiences that she never would have dreamed of. And Brad loved her. She knew he loved her, and she definitely loved him too. But somehow the love they shared was different. It was on a shallower level where the connection was warm and free, frivolous and romantic, but it lacked the intensity and depth she had found with David. David. He gave her something that no one else in her life ever had. He gave her stability, security, a sense of belonging and entirety. Even when she had smashed his heart to pieces by agreeing to marry Brad, he had never once raised his voice to her or shown her anything but the utmost care and respect. Yes he was the ultimate professional, but he was also the most sensitive and honest soul she had ever connected with and she loved him fiercely and profoundly.

And it was entirely because she loved him so much that she didn't want to hurt him again ever, and that was why she was so completely torn over her feelings for him right now. Falling into bed with him again would be easy. It always was before and she absolutely knew that he could make her body and heart sing again in an instant if she asked him to. But at what cost to him? Unless she was prepared to walk away from her marriage to Brad and accept all the many consequences she knew that would bring for her both personally and career wise, because let's face it, Hollywood loves a good bit of juicy gossip which can make or break someone in a heartbeat. And unless she was willing and able to risk that in order to be with David, then she should do the right thing and walk away from him once again before she sucked him in too deep and gave him false hope. She just needed time. Time to think things over. Time to consider all her options. Time to make her choice once and for all.

But the problem she had was that their time was actually running out fast. There were just four regular and the double length finale episodes left to film. Sure, there was a short break for Christmas in there as well, but in less than two months, life as she knew it would be over forever and that scared the crap out of her. Jen was a creature of habit. She had eaten the same lunch at the same table for ten years. She always dined out at the same handful of restaurants. She listened to the same few CDs on her way to and from work daily. She did the same fitness workout every day. She attributed it all to her turbulent childhood, this absolute need for stability and routine. When she knew where she was going and what she was doing she felt safe and confident. The unknown terrified her. The unknown was a dark and scary place that she couldn't control and she liked to be in control at all times.

It was 4.17am on Monday morning and she had seen pretty much every minute tick by since she had persuaded herself into bed at 11.09pm on Sunday night. She was not a fan of sleeping alone in such a big house, despite there being a great security system and panic buttons hidden in most of the rooms, but she knew it was something she needed to get better at since it was part and parcel of this lifestyle she had chosen. By 5.43am she was finally drifting off to sleep and she was in no way ready for the alarm that shocked her violently awake again at 7.00am. She hit the snooze button four times before she finally dragged herself from under the covers and zombie walked into the shower.

She had no recollection of driving to work as she pulled alongside Courteney's vehicle at least 30 minutes later than everyone else had arrived. Thank God it was David's turn to pick up the coffees today she thought to herself, smiling as she pictured him waiting inside to greet her with his familiar warm hug and the much needed shot of caffeine. And sure enough, there he was, her strong, dependable, loveable co-star, sitting on a dark grey prop box, in his relaxed fit jeans and plain navy T-shirt, cradling his coffee in one hand, hers sat next to him awaiting her arrival.

She made her way across the room towards him, apologising to everyone for her extra tardiness today. He had stood up to greet her long before she reached him and as she buried her head into his chest and breathed in his familiar scent, she felt a sense of calmness wash over her. As she felt him move to release her she couldn't help but pull him back for a few seconds more, not ready to break away just yet. When she felt she couldn't get away with holding on any longer she relinquished her grip and silently collected her coffee, noticing how his eyes were questioning her without saying a word. She knew he could see the exhaustion and he could feel her turmoil, and as always, he seemed to lift it off her and take the burden onto himself.

She sat herself next to him for the regular Monday morning first table read, shuffling her chair closer and leaning her head on his shoulder as she put on her glasses and squinted at the dancing words through her gritty, tired eyes. She just needed that closeness from him right now. There was a sadness; a dull aching inside her that she couldn't quite fathom, but somehow being connected to him instantly soothed it. She knew he was watching her, assessing her and trying to figure out her next move. Good luck with that she thought to herself, since not even she had the first clue what that would be.

Coffee break time could not come soon enough for her today. She was dog tired and her focus was just not there. She had stumbled and fumbled her way through the script barely taking any of it in other than Rachel was going to get fired and Ross was getting tenure, whatever that was. Her brain felt like it was shrouded in a sea of fog and her temples were pounding. Pressure she thought to herself, tiredness and pressure. Self inflicted pressure too she chastised herself, knowing that it was her conflicted heart that had landed her here, as she ran her fingers through her hair and rubbed at the back of her neck. Those fingers soon met with David's as he arrived behind her and began gently massaging her shoulders. She could feel the tension slowly drain away as he worked at the tight knots with his deft touch. After a couple of minutes, he slid his arm around her waist and subtly guided her over to Monica's couch. He sat on it and gestured for her to join him. Within seconds her head was on his lap and she could feel herself drifting off to sleep, totally appeased and comforted by his presence. They had barely exchanged a single word all morning and yet somehow, they had engaged in a deep and meaningful communication, such was the power of their connection.  As she opened her eyes briefly and gave him a sleepy smile, she finally admitted to herself that wherever he was was where she wanted to be.  To her, he was home, and he was worth risking everything for.