The One Where The Lines Get Kinda Blurry

The One With Schwimmy Schwimster

Thursday evening came around very quickly, and now here the six of them were, seated on or around the orange coffee shop sofa, Oprah on the comfy chair in front of Phoebe's stage, approximately twenty minutes into their interview already. The camera panned out from their guest host and zoomed in on Jen, who was sat the closest to her on one end of the couch, already on the verge of getting emotional. David, seated at the opposite end of the sofa, gave her a subtle nod as he saw her eyes dart to him for reassurance. He knew it was the exact scenario she'd been dreading and he was silently willing her on to get through it unscathed. He had already handled Oprah's request to describe each of his fellow Friends and, although he was a man not afraid of words, he found himself getting uncharacteristically wistful when talking about these five people who he'd grown to love like family. Especially Jen of course. He could have talked for hours about what she meant to him, but right now of course he couldn't and wouldn't, as that disclosure was for her ears only.

And now it was her turn. She started with Matty who was sat on the couch next to her, then moved onto Courteney and now it was time for her to tell the world what she thought of him. She eyed him nervously as she began to talk about their 'friendship'. "Schwimmy Schwimster......" Really Jen, he shook his head slightly and gave a wry smile. Of all the nicknames she had for him, that was the one she went public with! She stuttered and stumbled a little bit but she found her way to a couple of the prepared phrases they'd discussed. And then she carried on, looking directly at him. He could tell she was on the edge of breaking down as she played with her hair and fidgeted in her seat..... "I can be really honest with David..... speak my mind... and ermmmm, I really appreciate you letting me do that...." Her voice trailed off as the tears started and she was swallowing hard in a vain attempt to stop them falling.

Jen was never more grateful for her new long bangs as she was right then, using them as a shield as she turned her head away from the audience and dabbed fiercely at her eyes, desperately trying to regain her composure and afraid if she said one more word right now, she would lose it completely. Oprah was trying to get her to continue but she knew she had to take a moment to calm herself first because right now, as she heard the camera zoom in hard on her tearful face, all she wanted to do was curl up in David's arms and never let go of him again.  She could talk about the other four all day every day and yes, maybe get a little tearful, but she could push through it no problem.  But with him, the one person who meant more to her than anyone else in the world ever had, she could barely string two sentences together. What she felt for and about him went way beyond anything that words could ever hope to describe.  How could she convey that her heart felt like it might beat out of her chest with the mere touch of his hand, or that one simple sideways glance and comment from him could turn her day from the worst to the best day ever.  He was her reason.  Her reason for getting out of bed every morning, her reason for signing on to do season after season of this show despite Brad asking her not to.  He was her reason for breathing. And yet she couldn't even admit any of that to him, so what on earth could she say about this wonderful man on a show that was going to be broadcast on national television, a show that she would most likely have to sit and watch with her husband by her side.

She was eternally grateful to Matty for coming to her rescue by diverting attention away from her for a few moments with his usual quick-witted humour, and then after regaining a little more control over her emotions, she was able to continue on with her personal tributes to Lisa & Matt, where once again she was able to talk about them easily and freely and be openly loving and honest about how much they meant to her.

The interview carried on, the focus moving away from Jen for a few minutes onto Matty and his struggles and then the new Joey show.  Then she had been a little thrown by a whole segment on their personal lives which focussed heavily on whether she and Courteney were ready to have babies, to which of course she replied yes, because what the hell else was she supposed to say to that? They wouldn't dream of asking Matty or David if they were going to fill their time after the show by pro-creating, and in her mind it seemed so damned insensitive, to her just mildly, but for Courteney after all her fertility struggles it was especially heartless.  But nevertheless, Jen swallowed her unease, painted on her game face and showbiz smile, and played along with the perfect little happy families game, gushing that of course she was ready and waiting to have babies right here, right now in the dressing room if she could.

The rest of the interview went on more smoothly for her, although she did have another slightly emotional moment when Courteney was describing what she would like to see in David's future.  She mentioned that she would like him to get married as she thought he would make a great husband.  David had looked slightly embarrassed and a little uneasy as he looked down at the floor before turning his gaze towards Jen.  She gulped as she looked into his eyes, wishing so hard that one day Courteney's dream for him would come true, and that she would be the incredibly lucky lady he was walking down the aisle.

After the interview was over and Oprah and her crew had left the set, the six Friends had naturally fallen into one of their infamous huddles.  There had been a lot of emotions stirred up for all of them. Reliving some very special but also some darker moments and talking about each other in a way that was so emotive and beautiful was a lovely thing, but it also felt so final and they were all moved by that.  This really was the beginning of their end.

Matty, David, Lisa and Jen were all stood together in the parking lot, saying their goodnights to each other before finally heading off home.  It was long gone midnight and they had the live show to tape tomorrow, but emotions were still running high and none of them had been able to drag themselves away any earlier.  As the other two headed off to their cars, Jen grabbed hold of David's hand, silently motioning him to stay behind with her until they were alone.

"I am so sorry" she began, "that was not what I wanted to say about you at all.  I wanted to say so many more and better things and let everyone know just how special you are to me, and all I managed to come out with was a pretty disrespectful 'he's alright' and I am so frustrated with myself. And then I made it a million times worse by not even being able to finish what I did want to say before I was overwhelmed with emotion and more fucking crying." As she spoke, he could see tears threatening her eyes once more, glistening in the spotlights that lit up the dark night sky around them.

"Hey, you did great" he gently responded, placing his free hand over the one that still had hold of his other and squeezing it tightly, "and for the record, I wished I could have said a hundred more and better things about you too..... but at the end of the day, all that really matters is that we know how much we mean to each other."

Jen's free hand rose up and cupped David's face as she gently caressed his cheek with her fingers. "Do you know how much you mean to me?" she asked softly, aware that although they were alone in the parking lot right now, it was not entirely impossible that someone else could interrupt them at any given moment.

"I know you still care a lot" he replied quietly, looking down at the floor before raising his eyes to meet hers again. "And I wouldn't ask any more of you than that."

"If loving you so deep it hurts is your version of caring a lot, then yes, I care a lot. I care far more than I should, and far more than I ever thought possible. In fact, the thought of not seeing you every day when the show ends, is already tearing me apart.  I keep having these awful nightmares where I am trapped in a cave and I can't get out, and I know you are on the other side of the walls but I just can't find a way to get to you.  And then I wake up in a panic to an alarm and loud screaming, which is coming from my mouth, and realise I have been sleepwalking again and I am at the door by the pool, trying to escape from my house so I can run into your arms." She gulped hard, trying desperately not to let the tears roll for once.  "I am so afraid of losing you...... but I'm also afraid of what I have to do to not lose you too."

"Sweetie, why have you never told me any of this before now?" David asked, pulling her tightly into his arms and wishing he could strip away all her pain and fears.

"Because the only one who has the power to solve this problem is me" she whispered as the tears pooled in her eyes and she drew her head back to look up at him. "I need you to know that I still love you so much...... and I'm still in love with you......" And with that she leaned in and kissed him, deeply and tenderly and with so much heartfelt emotion that they both had tears in their eyes when they finally broke apart and bid an impassioned farewell until morning, neither of them quite sure what game they were playing but knowing it was a dangerous one.