Blog Articles/ Članci sa bloga

"Zalupljivanje vratima"/"Door slamming"

(4.4.2021)

SRPSKI:

Ponekad je nemoguće pretvoriti apstraktnu misao ili osećanje u rečenice koje bi kao objašnjenje trebalo servirati drugima. Moja objašnjenja se pretvore u predugu celinu u kojoj postanem nesvesna izgovorenog (ruku na srce, tako izgleda i u mom mozgu, toliko misli neprestano biva isprepletano da sam se skroz pogubila), te u poslednje vreme preferiram da ne objašnjavam ništa, ionako niti sam sigurna da će neko razumeti poentu, niti želim rasprave, niti imam šta da kažem. Nema lakog načina da se nešto prekine, možda zbog svog principa da se sklonim kad mi osećaj kaže da nešto nije u redu ispadnem kao kukavica, ali jedino zbog čega mislim da stvarno jesam kukavica je što dozvoljavam željama i potrebama drugih ljudi da utiču na mene. Trebalo je da slušam sebe od početka, a ne da udovoljim onima koji su mi u to vreme predstavljali autoritete.

Nisam svetica, ne smatram sebe dobrom osobom niti mi pada na pamet da se drugima predstavim tako, ja lično verujem da dobro i zlo ne postoje već da svaki čovek greši u nekom trenutku života, svi smo mi nekom dobri a nekom drugom loši ma kakvi da smo- zato i kažem da je dobrota subjektivna stvar. Primetila sam da mi socijalizacija troši jako puno energije, te imam jako mali krug ljudi sa kojima ponekad komuniciram, tako mi je bolje za psihu. Iako pišem o sebi u delima jer mi to deluje kao pisanje dnevnika, nisam ljubitelj pričanja o tome sa nekim jer uvek imam osećaj kao da moram da se nekom pravdam za neki događaj, misao ili postupak. Najviše mrzim kada suprotna strana želi da me ubedi da je moj stil života / razmišljanja pogrešan i da moram da se menjam da bih bila ovakva ili onakva. Takve stvari nisu par čarapa pa da se menjaju jer se nekom ne dopadaju, verujem da svaki pojedinac ima ono što samo njemu odgovara i trebalo bi da se prilagodi tome, i ja radim na prilagođavanju svom načinu rada koliko je to moguće. Pošto sam u životu odgovorna za mnogo više stvari nego što mogu da podnesem onda nema potrebe da radim stvari koje me dodatno iscrpljuju, te ne želim da se vraćam tamo gde već jednom nije bilo kako treba, ako se vaza lomi nekoliko puta u nju više ne može da se sipa voda, teško da se može više držati i kao ukras. Većina ljudi preferira da završi nešto raspravom, što je sa neke strane dobro jer označava konačan kraj, a za mene je to nešto što uvek preskačem jer tako dobiješ neprijatelja za ceo život. Kamo sreće da mi nije stalo do drugih i njihovog mišljenja / osećanja, ali ipak jeste, to je jedna od mojih najgorih osobina jer me stalno dovodi u probleme, neke stvari nikad ne mogu da razrešim zbog te osobine pa me posle godinama opsedaju.

Razmišljam godinama o tome da li sam ja nekog povredila bilo čime, razmišljala sam o greškama koje sam napravila u toku detinjstva i svim nepromišljenim postupcima u toku moje "sve ili ništa" faze kad me obuzmu jako glupe fiks ideje a MORAM da ih uradim bez obzira što znam da ne donose ništa dobro. Za neke sam se iskupila, ostalima želim da se iskreno izvinim ali nikad nisam bila dobra sa rečima i govorom, uspaničim se kad uopšte i pričam sa nekim a kamoli da stignem dotle. Predpostavljam da se i ovo računa, stvarno mi je žao za sve što sam ikada uradila u životu a da je povredilo nekog drugog. U svakom slučaju, ako sam otišla i nisam se vratila bolje je ne tražiti me, to je bio najpristojniji način da se nešto završi, bez teških reči. Prihvatiću da za njih budem đubre od čoveka, stoka, kukavica, izdajica, sve najgore, ali ne smem da se vratim jer nema poente prolaziti kroz sve iznova. Nemam energije za rasprave, objašnjenja, čak ni za razmišljanje o tome. Prošlosti se slabo sećam (pamtim više po nekim teškim emocijama), zašto da se vraćam na to? Ne želim da se podsećam toga jer mi pogoršava stanje, hoću da se koncentrišem na ono što sledi. Moja sećanja su u izmaglici, izgubljena sam u svom svetu. Nekad je pametnije pustiti stvari da idu dalje i pustiti me kao što sam ja njih pustila, hoću da zamisle da više ne postojim i da zaborave na mene. Ne želim im ništa loše u životu, samo želim da se to završi i da me izbrišu iz svojih života.

ENGLISH:

Sometimes it is impossible to turn an abstract thought or feeling into sentences that should be served to others as an explanation. My explanations turn into a too long whole in which I become oblivious of the spoken (hand to heart, that's what it looks like in my brain, so many thoughts are constantly intertwined that I've completely lost it), and lately I prefer not to explain anything, anyway, nor am I sure that anyone will understand the point, nor do I want to argue, nor do I have anything to say. There's no easy way to stop something, maybe because of my principle of stepping aside when the feeling tells me something's wrong makes me look like a coward, but the only reason I think I really am a coward is that I allow other people's desires and needs to influence me. I should have listened to myself from the beginning, not to be indulged by those who were my authority at the time.

I am not a saint, I do not consider myself a good person nor do I think of introducing myself to others like that, I personally believe that good and evil do not exist but that every man makes mistakes at some point in his life, we are all good for someone and for someone else bad whatever we are - that's why I say that kindness is a subjective thing. I've noticed that socialization consumes a lot of energy, and I have a very small circle of people that I communicate with sometimes, that way I'm better off with the psyche. Even though I write about myself in stories because it feels like writing a diary, I'm not a fan of talking about it with someone because I always feel like I have to justify myself to someone for some event, thought or action. What I hate most is when the opposite side wants to convince me that my lifestyle / thinking is wrong and that I have to change to be one way or the other. These things aren't a pair of socks and they change because someone doesn't like them, I believe that every individual has what suits him and should adapt to that, and I'm working on adapting my way of functioning as much as possible. Since I'm responsible for a lot more things in life than I can handle then there's no need to do things that exhaust me further, and I don't want to go back to where it wasn't right once before, if the vase breaks a few times you can't pour water into it anymore, it can hardly be held as an decoration anymore. Most people prefer to argue, which on the other hand is good because it marks the end, and for me it's something I always skip because that's how you get the enemy for life. I wish I didn't care about others and their opinions/ feelings, but I still do, it's one of my worst traits because it keeps putting me in trouble, some things I can never resolve because of that trait and after years they haunt me.

I've been thinking for years about whether I hurt anyone with anything, I've been thinking about the mistakes I made during my childhood and all the reckless actions during my "all or nothing" phase when I'm overcome by a very stupid fix idea and I HAVE TO do them even though I know they don't do any good. For some I've made amends, I want to sincerely apologize to others but I've never been good with words and speech, I panic even when I talk to someone, let alone get there. I guess this counts, too, and I'm really sorry for everything I've ever done in my life that hurt someone else. Anyway, if I left and didn't come back it's better not to look for me, it was the most honest way to end something, without harsh words. I'll accept to be a bastard to them, a jerk, a fool, a coward, a traitor, all the worst, but I can't go back because there's no point going through it all over again. I don't have the energy to argue, to explain, not even to think about it. I barely remember the past (I remember more for some difficult emotions), why go back to that? I don't want to be reminded of that because it's making my condition worse, I want to concentrate on what's to come. My memories are in the mist, I'm lost in my world. Sometimes it's smarter to let things go and let me go like I let them go, I want them to imagine that I don't exist anymore and forget about me. I don't wish them any harm, I just want it to end and erase me from their lives.