Blog Articles/ Članci sa bloga

Missed life... literally.

1.12.2021

Back in 2012, somewhere at the beginning of the third year of high school, I wrote the song "Missed life". It seems that the song is much more true now than it seemed at the time. Even then, I felt that something did not go well, but now, at the age of twenty-five, that song has a much stronger meaning. Looks like ... I missed everything.

I'm not talking here about the standard human comparison with others and the feeling that our life is not good enough in relation to other people, as is usually the case, but about overestimating our own capacities, by which I mean health. During my childhood, I didn't think too much about how not treating mild symptoms would affect the future, and the adults around me didn't take it seriously, it even turned out they considered me a liar on several occasions because I constantly said I was sick. I said I had a cold, and I really did. Maybe it instilled in me to some extent the need for someone to take me seriously, even if I had to wait a long time for it, because I couldn't do anything about it myself (I didn't have health care at that time, and I haven't had it for years), and the situation worsened slightly as time went on. Wish I have just  made everything up, and if everything was actually all right - I could live with it. This hurts me more because I was telling the truth, but they ignored me. It's nothing new for other things in life either.

In our house, we have always been treated with alternative medicine and non-prescripted pills, but that principle served more to mask or alleviate the problem than to cure it. Over time, these health problems became chronic, both for me and my parents, making it much more difficult for us to function in life. My most serious health problem is certainly the psyche, which many don't even take seriously as a health problem, but it literally ruined my life - depression drains my energy and prevents me from making any big changes in my life (which is one of the reasons why I didn't go to college ), I have no need for socialization and love, I feel like I've been dead for years and that's how I declare myself, I've been to the point that the death of my physical being is close several times anyway. On the other hand, (social) anxiety makes me panic about anything and everything, and it bothers the people around me and they get mad at me for it. In addition, it creates problems with my stomach, which has created additional problems at school since the fifth grade because my stomach gets upset when someone is nearby, and I still have the same problem, so it upsets me as soon as I leave the house, so I prefer not to go anywhere unnecessarily. As I hit my head from the age of twelve, for some time now I have been planning to do exam of my head to see if I have brain damage from the hits I inflict on myself during a panic attack, the headaches become more intense and there is a slight weakening of vision and loss of concentration and heavier memory, it is possible that these strokes are the cause.

I was obsessed with not being able to have a single absence in school, I don't even know how that fixed idea was implanted in me. One of my theories is that I wanted to be equal with other children, but due to extra weight and silent nature I was constantly degraded and ignored, I had the illusion that they would appreciate me more if I was constantly present, and that was true for both schools. Many times I came to school with fever, pain, nausea, in high school even under the mild influence of pills and alcohol that I would have taken the night before, and often with wounds that required stiches, which I never did because I let the wound to heal on its own no matter how much it hurts, and they hurt like hell on several occasions. In very rare cases, I would stay at home due to illness, I would certainly not recommend anyone to play a hero because nobody receives any reward for that. However, it was said that in high school, students without absences receive not paying for bus for the next year (the school has organized transportation because it is far from the city), it would mean a lot to me because my parents were unemployed and we had no income. I don't know about the other students, but I didn't get that. In the fourth year, as a fool, I paid for the bus for the first semester and went to school walking because of the crowds on the bus, literally every inch of bus was crowded as there were several departments in it. I only took a ride for my 18th birthday when I had classes at afternoon, and driver almost threw me out because I didn't bring PAID bus ticket, I didn't even carry it when I was already walking to the school and back. By the way, the ticket was never asked for in the afternoon, I don't know why he had to humiliate me as well, all that on damn eighteenth birthday. What a beautiful memory.