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Accumulated bitterness

I've never been a fan of social media; even if I was occupied with something on them for a short period of time, it was fleeting and I would quickly get bored. It probably helps that I'm not inclined to obsessively monitor what's happening in other people's lives and I don't like someone monitoring me, I even consider it pointless to follow people who belong to a long past period without any current matches, a good example of this is following people from schools with which we have no common interests, place of residence, in the meantime personalities have also changed (as children we have completely different priorities and everything mostly revolves around school, it is unnecessary to actively maintain such relationships in the present, especially if there have been some problems with the persons in question). I don't like to add people I know from real life on social media, I feel like I constantly have to "censor" myself and I don't need information about their movements and actions, I don't work for the police to know all that. If I didn't post art/projects I wouldn't have social media, that's for sure. Lately, I don't even take my "selfies" because I'm not a representative example of a female homosapiens and I don't care about self-promotion, I don't travel anywhere, I don't have lunch in restaurants (and even when I prepare something better, I don't take pictures for social media, who cares what I had for lunch today), I don't feel like posting a picture of every stupid thing I do during the day - I don't have time to take a picture and waste time on it. I just don't feel like interacting with people anymore, I wish I could remove everybody from me because everything started to seem bizarre and empty. Due to avoidant personality disorder, from time to time I either completely delete a profile or remove people from them, only once some guy from Facebook I don't know in real life complained about it - the others barely noticed, including the ones I know. Honestly, I don't even care if everyone is protesting, I feel like pushing everybody away from me, especially those who remind me of my past place of life. Nostalgia certainly doesn't "catch" me, on the contrary, wish I could at least forget the events from my ex-town; I wrote about what happened and now I want to leave that period in the past where it belongs, I worry about the present and the future and I don't want to think about the past anymore. I watched some video clips about elementary school about ten weeks ago in order to face some of my emotions, while I was watching I realized that all that doesn't mean anything to me anymore, even everything about that place seems uninteresting to me from this position. That's a good sign, it means that maybe I'll at least put that topic aside and it won't haunt me so much. I may have to remove people who remind me and bring me back to that period (although I have mentioned several times that I don't want to hear anything about it anymore, I only face the memories when I feel the need and don't want to randomly hear it from the others), it would be difficult but inevitable.

  As you can see from the blog, I have been working on the second part of the story "Team Blume", I have barely finished it because I have been taking care of my father for weeks now, his condition has worsened a lot. I don't sleep well at night, I eat less than before, we can't work for weeks because the work depends mostly on my father, and I can't find another job so that we can repay debts. I noticed that my health condition is getting worse and worse, especially heart and brain, I already mentioned that I have problems with my psyche and this is making me to want to kill myself even more, I am worried that this will continue to happen. Even if he survives the winter, I worry about how we will do then, I worry that moment that we try to delay is approaching. In July they had a traffic accident, the tow truck did not return the trailer to its lane and damaged our truck that we recently bought and for which we have not yet paid back the debts, while the electricity bill is only increasing because it has not been paid at all for months. Our business started solidly and suddenly it stopped, some customers caused us additional expenses because they ordered the wrong type of pots, so we bought molds in vain to finish them as soon as possible (the order was worth as much as the debt and by now we would have returned everything if they didn't ruin it with their mistake, I'm sick of such customers - they won't starve because of that mistake, we're the ones who barely buy bread because of it). We spent all the money from the last tour on basic food and medicine, we were left with nothing. In this period, I really feel like telling to go to hell to anyone who wants me to play their therapist, I don't like that even when things are less turbulent, but now I don't have any empathy or nerves for it. I've noticed that none of the people I communicate with would bother with my problems, every single time ends up with my problems being too complicated and difficult for them, but I'm expected to be an understanding counselor for everyone. I don't give a damn, that's it. They know where to find me when they need another person to whom they can write about their activities and thoughts even though they already have a circle of real-life people to tell the same to, while I don't have any real-life friends and such to tell my stuff to (honestly, I realized that I don't even need people to bother them with my life, they don't care about other people's information unless they can benefit from it). I feel like a bad person because of that, but I really can't take it anymore, I'm sick of thinking about people I haven't had contact with in real life for a long time or actively caring about someone I've never even met. What am I trying for and what do I get for it? While I'm sitting next to my seriously ill father, I realize that I don't need friends and that I've never really had any use of the so-called "friendships", the only people I always stayed with are my parents, no matter what happened. Other relationships in my life have become irrelevant.