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Tenth of April 2023, around nine o'clock

 (started 17.04.2023, finished 13.05)

THEY WILL MAKE ME OUT OF MARBLE

They will make me out of marble

And I won't be alive

They will make me out of marble

Pouring tears over me.

I will be made of marble

But I will not hide my pride,

Everyone wants marble

Instead of a living body

To embrace with a sunny glow.

And every day 

They will pass by me,

Next to that sleeping 

soulless rock,

They will point the finger at me

And they will wait to hear a voice,

They will forget that the marble doesn't have one,

It was as if I had fallen asleep.

That's not a nap!

I'm gone,

I am now a marble rock

Which is preparing for a lifeless journey.

I will live if you get hugged by

Marble with both its hands.

11.03.1980 at 9:40 p.m

(Živorad Ristić, translated from Serbian, "Zbirka pesama 3")

   I usually write stories and blog when certain emotions accumulate in me or I am obsessed with a specific topic related to society or my personal experience, many times I stopped myself from writing so that I would not be boring with one and the same topics. This time I wanted to write something, but I didn't feel like it. I don't feel like writing right now either, but I might manage to write something, I apologize in advance if I get lost in some parts or if the quality of the writing is not satisfactory.

 Last time I wrote that my father has been seriously ill since the truck accident, which turned out to be fatal for him over time. As he was not given medical attention immediately after the accident, and he had to repair the truck afterwards and unload the heaviest figures in our offer, his problems with hernia and internal organs worsened and we barely kept him alive from August 2022 until now. What matters is that the other truck driver was whining about the tire (and most likely he was the one who was driving fast), and the fact that my parents were injured and that our truck was damaged is not important; when we pay €400 to some fool for another accident that we did not cause, then there is a misdemeanor court, even though that car had only part of the light damaged (and those who caused the collision ran away and no one punished them), while when we could get compensation for my parents' injuries and the destroyed cabin, then everything is forgotten. Although I insisted that they get a medical certificate immediately after they returned from that trip, my parents missed that important step because they thought that everything would be fixed again and that we would move on, but after that it was all over. Shortly after we started making the next tour and tried to repair the damage to the truck with the little money earned, my father's condition worsened so much that the symptoms have only switched since August - we cure one thing, another problem appears. My mother and I went to the seasonal jobs to collect money for a doctor exam, he refused to go and check the condition of his internal organs, primarily his kidneys, because it seemed from the symptoms that they were starting to fail. For a while, he was a little better with penicillin-based tablets, and from the beginning of March he walked more and more weakly until he completely lost the strength in his legs, he could no longer even go to toilet outside the room. He was just sitting hunched over on the couch by the fire, he was eating less and less, he had wounds with fluid coming out on his legs that couldn't heal (probably gout), he had been hallucinating for the last few months. Usually during the night he would move around and fall down, so my mother and I would have to lift him up onto the couch, at one point he reached the door and fell down in the middle of the night, I could hardly help him up because I don't have the strength myself. For months we woke up almost every night, and during the day we had to do housework to maintain the household (she went to get wood for fire), and we also looked after him. That last night he didn't move and didn't get up, mother thought it was good and that he was getting better, but I told her it was a bad sign, especially since he couldn't even talk anymore and refused food and water. It turned out that I was right, I told her that we should call the hospital, even against his will, because his condition was extremely bad, even if that would lead us into bigger depts (we had no money, we also got a warning for electricity earlier that month). We don't have surgery departments here, but they take patients to a hospital 50 km away and he certainly wouldn't be able to withstand that, and besides, they charge a lot even for staying in the hospital when someone doesn't have a medical card, we couldn't afford to pay for potential surgeries. Around nine o'clock in the morning I noticed that he stopped breathing, then I realized that he had passed away and informed my mother, who was outside. Although we expected that this could also happen (that's why we've been checking on him often while he's sleeping for years, especially these months), it wasn't all the same when we realized that it actually happened. Since we have animals in the house, the dog made me even more nervous when we panicked, so I had to worry more about what I was going to do with him (and later with other dog and cats) than with myself and my emotions, because of those animals and their needs I often forget my basic needs, I'm often nervous about them. Instead of crying, I listened to the dog whining day and night because we put him in the storage room until everything was over, I couldn't wait for the funeral to be over so that I wouldn't have to listen to him anymore because he also broke my nerves that day, just like the cats that caused a problem the morning before my father died so I had to worry about those idiots instead of being around my father a little longer. Even Fluffy, the dog outside, couldn't stay still and almost suffocated with some ropes in the greenhouse where I temporarily took him, because of all the problems with them I didn't have time to think about more important things (and it's like that almost every day, instead of they calm me down, they make my condition worse from early in the morning until bedtime).