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Raštimovana harmonija/ Disharmonized harmony

14.10.2020

SRPSKI:

Htela sam da pišem o nekim raznim temama, pa sam se zapitala zašto bi nekog bilo briga za moje viđenje sveta kad svaka osoba na svetu ima neko svoje sopstveno mišljenje. Opštepoznato je da sam ja neko ko retko iskazuje svoje mišljenje- ne zato što dotično nemam, itekako imam, ali uvek razmišljam o tome kako moj iskaz može uticati na druge i u kom smeru ta reakcija može da ide. Budimo iskreni, to nije uvek pametno jer osobe poput mene onda počnu da strahuju od svakog vida komunikacije jer misle da će nekog povrediti, uvrediti, naljutiti... Toliko želim tu zamišljenu harmoniju da više skoro ništa i ne govorim, ali onda svuda oko sebe vidim rasprave i nerazumevanje pa se zapitam čemu sve to, zašto ljudi troše vreme na stvari koje ne vole umesto da sa istom takvom strašću podrže ono što vole?
 
 Primetila sam da sam se značajno udaljila od sveta, mogu bez problema reći da sam u ovom svetu tek privremeno a da zapravo postojim samo u svom imaginarnom svetu, te više ništa ne razumem. Da mi nije ovog interesovanja za psihologiju verovatno bih potpuno izgubila kontakt sa ljudima jer nisam u stanju ni da razgovaram sa nekim bez osećaja panike, a ovako se bar interesujem za psihologiju društva kao celine i to kako određeni događaji utiču na psihu individue pa se još držim u granicama ovog sveta. Imam osećaj da polako ali sigurno ludim, održavajući prividnu harmoniju sedativima jer taman posla da nešto kvari tu odavno raštimovanu harmoniju, iskazivanje nezadovoljstva nije poželjno jer se nikada ne uklapa u tuđe planove. Sarkazam, naravno, kada organizam toliko puca znači da stvarno više ne može da se nastavi u tom smeru, no ja sam jedna od onih koji se prvo pobrinu za druge pa meni šta ostane. Kako izgleda neće ostati mene ni za njih ni za sebe, čudo jedno da sam potrajala i ovoliko pored svega što sam uradila. Nadam se samo da će dotični sedativi zadržati onu moju najgoru stranu, ne želim da ikad povredim druge jer bi to bila sušta suprotnost mojoj filozofiji života- razumevanje i jednakost su put do harmonije. Bestraga i sa tom harmonijom kad će oni koji kreiraju haos uvek biti glasniji, harmonija se ne može stvarati napadno jer onda gubi svoj smisao.

ENGLISH:

I wanted to write about some different topics, but I wondered why anyone would care about my views of the world when every person in the world has their own opinion. It is well known that I am someone who rarely expresses my opinion - not because I don't have it, I really do, but I always think about how my statement can affect others and in which direction that reaction can go. Let's be honest, it's not always a good thing because people like me then start to be afraid of any kind of communication as they think it will hurt or insult someone, make someone angry ... I want that imaginary harmony so much that I don't say almost anything anymore, but then all around me I see arguments and misunderstandings, so I wonder why all this, why do people spend time on things they don't like instead of supporting what they like with the same passion?
 
 I noticed that I have significantly moved away from the world, I can easily say that I am in this world only temporarily and that I actually exist only in my imaginary world, don't understanding anything anymore. If I didn't have this interest in psychology I would probably completely lose contact with people because I'm not even able to talk to someone without anixety, and this way I'm at least interested in the psychology of society as a whole and how certain events affect the individual's psyche, so it keeps me within the borders of this world. I have a feeling that I am slowly but surely going crazy, maintaining an apparent harmony with sedatives because nothing has to spoil that disharmonized harmony, expressing dissatisfaction is not desirable because it never fits into other people's plans. Sarcasm, of course, when the body is falling apart so much it means that it really can't continue in that direction anymore, but I'm one of those who take care of others first, then what's left is for me. As it seems, I will not be left neither for them nor for myself, it is a miracle that I lasted this long considering everything I did. I just hope that the mentioned sedatives will keep my worst side, I don't want to ever hurt others because that would be the complete opposite of my philosophy of life - understanding and equality are the path to harmony. The hell with that harmony when those who create chaos will always be louder, harmony cannot be created aggressively because then it loses its meaning.