𝐕𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐀 𝐅𝐀𝐘𝐄 𝐒𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐀𝐆𝐎 was a very happy girl. When she was little her and her bestfriend would do everything together until something separated them. When she joined the Spanish mafia at age 16 life went downhill for her from there...
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TW/ panic attack and please read the authors note at the end.
𝗔𝗦 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗠𝗢𝗩𝗜𝗘 ended I needed to leave and head up to my room. It was all to much everything was too much. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed the moment but when it's finished I'm left with the overwhelming amount of disappointment in myself.
I quickly make my way to the bathroom and hold my palms on the counter and face the mirror and look at myself. I see every flaw, everything bad about me. That walls start to feel like their closing in on me.
My breathing is labored as I try to regulate it. I clutch the counter right trying to remain grounded. I feel helpless I can't scream I can't move I can't do anything. My breathing picks up and my body starts to shake.
I try to look at myself but all I see is a lost little boy. Tears start to stream down my face as I sit in the floor. My knees propped up with my elbows on them and head in my hands. I feel like I'm suffocated like the room is closed in on me. I try so hard to help my breathing but nothing helps.
With shaky hands and legs, while tears stream down my face I get up and grab my anti-depressants. I quickly take a few and sit on the floor slowly my breathing regulates and I stop shaking. I know by now it's time for the thought to flood my head and I won't fight them I'm to tired.
Usually I would have help from someone to come me down even though I would try to refuse I knew it helped. Mostly it was Jaxon who helped me. But this time nobody came to check on me. He knew when I run to my room I'm not okay and usually he would come to check on me.
But he didn't.
This really shows me that I have no one. No one is here for me. I feel like a little boat in the ocean as I call for help to anyone and no one comes to save me. But why would I blame them I wouldn't even want to help me. I let myself get close to her when I shouldn't have.
All the triggering things kept flooding my mind when I was having my panic attack. Again I find myself needing to distance myself from her it was the only choice. I feel like the little boy I was years ago yearning for my parents attention for anyone to notice me.
The hurt I would endure trying to get their attention doing anything to try and get them to notice me. But they never did. It hurt like hell. I refuse to let myself sink to that little boy and rely on someone and yearn for their attention for them not to show me a ounce of love.
I refuse. So now it's up to me to pull back from people so they won't hurt me because everyone will leave eventually what's the point. Get it through you head Emilio your not wanted, your not loved, no one will ever want to give such a fuck up attention or love. ACCEPT IT.
And that's what I do I accept it. I pick myself up and decide to go to sleep for the night.
