The Journal Of Truth

True Freinds? Fake Friends?

Something that I have always wanted to know is what makes a friend a good friend? I have never fully known the answer to that.

Are they loyal? Do they not make mistakes? Do they really care about you? If you ask for the truth will they tell you? Is what they say the truth? If they hurt you, should you forgive them? If they hangout with other friends and don't talk to you is that a sign that they aren't a real friend? Then when the next day comes and they start talking to you should you walk away? Ignore them? Or just simply act like yesterday never happened?

One of my friends is with the popular crowed, she says she is there for me and then in school I walk by here, smile and try to talk to her, she ignores me and acts like I am not there. Then later she tells me she is sorry, she just wants the popular girls to like her and she can't be seen talking to me or he rest of our group. When we hangout its nice, then as soon as a popular person walks by, she acts as if we aren't even their, going up to them, talking to them and walking off with them. All while leaving me standing there alone, me thinking: oh great, there goes my only ride home. 

How do I know when to call the friendship off? To finally get new friends, but when and if I do that I will miss my old friend. I try not to judge, because no one is perfect, but sometimes I feel like I deserve a better explanation of why my best friend is too embarressed to be seen with me, and then says " I just can't let them think differently about me. For once I have friends!" I think: what about our group? Well??? What kind of friend cares more about being liked than being there for her so called "Best Friends" makes me just annoyed. 

She always says she is sorry, but I wonder if that is true. I mean my friend C isn't like that, but guess E just has her own popular reasons. E says that she is sorry, but I don't get why she makes excuses like she feels like she needs to compete with her amazing siblings. I wonder what that even has to do with US! What does that say about you ignoring me? Am I not good enough to be your friend? Are your sisters better? Are the popular better? Why would you even take a chance to throw our friendship away?

I know that I am defiantly not perfect. I know that I am not the best friend of all times, but I try. I don't ignore you, I don't make up excuses. And yet still I have a worse home life. I have to deal with family crap everyday. Going to therapy, and having to have those freak out crying moments when I can't hold anything in, all the crap that I have been dealing, my feelings come out. For the rest of the night I can't sleep, staying up all night, just wishing that I could leave and run away. If I am crying tears, then you know I am hurt. It's a real fact that I am sure no one knows about me.

Sometimes I wish I was smarter, when I get compared to everyone, I know that my friends are better than me. Sometimes I just am annoyed that I can't have a friend that is always there for me, no matter what. Some things can't ever happen, right?