The Journal Of Truth

Third Wheel

In a group, three or four sometimes friends are closer than one another. In this case, I feel like the third wheel. My friend L & my other friend C in class today they were sitting together and they couldn't save me a seat. They were sitting in the very back of the room. C wanted to stay in the back and L was sitting next to her talking. They didn't even know that I was sitting alone. I finally gathered the courage to ask them to come sit with me in the front. L and C both shared looks, it was obvious that they wanted to stay in the back, and not come up with me. L made a excuse of why she couldn't sit with me. C agreed and stayed next to L.

I was all alone, which is weird because whenever one of them are sitting alone, or left out I go sit with them. I always feel like the third wheel when they are sitting together. I get pushed aside and I hate how they easily get good grades, but when I try so hard it doesn't even get to a B.

CR and J they were sitting together in mod (I was sitting on CR'S right and J on CR's left) CR and I hungout all Monday and it was fun. Then something happened. She used to be my best friend, very close in 7th grade. Now in 8th grade we have grown apart, I miss the old her.

J and CR are close, and I feel left out from being with her. CR was my only best friend who was real. In 6th grade, everyone left me because of who my brother was. In 7th grade, I was so happy when I found CR and we became best friends. I finally found my other half.

I know that our old close friendship is still there, somewhere under everything. I just can't fix it. I tried, but something feels off. I have no idea what it is. Today, she didn't sit with me. Today was awful for me. I almost came off the bus crying. I hardly cry unless something is seriously wrong.

 

I want a new phone, because mine is so small and crapy. I can't use the internet, I have no apps, and I have minutes. My phone sucks. I don't have a lot of things.

My life is kinda messed up, and I am broken trying to find myself again, through all of this, and I can't talk to anyone about this. I have friends, and a dog, but I don't feel lucky.

Everyone has perfect home lives and they haven't witnessed what I have been though. No one understands why I like the person that I do. E, R, A, J, CR, & L. One of the reasons that I like the person I do is because I feel kinda like I can relate to him. But, I know that from what E said I have no chance with him.

Yes, the guy I do kinda like is a player. I really wish that I didn't like him. School for me has been the worst. I am sick of seeing my bad grades and how many things that I have done wrong, and that I am not up to standards.

Standards prove that I am not good enough. I should just drop our of school, but I can't. Not just because I am not old enough, but I want to prove to everyone that I am good enough, that I can be good.

I am different from my brother, very different. It's not just because I don't fully fit in, but because he is older and better.

My parents are divorced and my dad is disappointed that I can't get A's and my mom just thinks that I lie about almost everything. I have so many flaws that I don't like about myself, and I wish that I could change.

I have different personalities, when I am at school, my moms house and then at my dad's house. I love going up to my dad's camp on the lake and hanging out with my cousins.

I know now that I can't change being the third wheel, but it just upsets me that sometimes my friends can't tell when I am not happy. Today at lunch I was quiet and sick of everyone saying how hard they have it. I was trying to rant, and they weren't listening, only talking about whatever they wanted to. E changes the topic way too much, R talks about ducks and A is really nice, but I miss hanging out with her.

I can't talk my mind to some of my friends, especially E. She just keeps on saying how I am being ungrateful and selfish. How I have it perfect, and she doesn't just because I have a decent body, and she is a little bit over weight. I offer to go running with her, E says nope. I offer to work out, E says nope. I offer to bike, E says nope.

The whole point of this book is for me to have my share of rants, because I can't get them out of my head and speak them.

I hope that someday, I will talk and someone will listen.

~ M