The Journal Of Truth

Ex's

I have been thinking a lot about everything and my situation really sucks. With my ex and my boyfriend Michael (who I got back together with). My ex has been a huge part in my life and did mean a lot to me. All the memories with him, all the things we did together, everything. It's all over.... And it's been a month, so why am I thinking about it?

Honestly I don't even know... Maybe it has to do with the fact that out of the blue Cody messaged me. He messaged me and started talking to me about what he's been doing and experimenting with. I know that he's hit rock bottom. I know so much that he went through, and that he doesn't know how to cope with everything.

This always happens. I forget about him, and he comes back and contacts me, and I start thinking about everything all over again. I even started tearing up, missing it all. Missing what he and I had... I'm frustrated because I can't get him out of my head, the weird ass  conversation we had. He got suspended a few days ago because he got into a fight with a guy at school. I just keep thinking about it.

I have so many feelings about this all, Michael and I aren't as close as we used to be, and Cody's hit rock bottom and has totally changed. I guess I brought out the best in him.... And the kind of person I am, is no matter how bad someone has treated me I want to help them. I'm always here for people and I don't understand why I want to help him.

He hurt me so bad, he made me feel numb like I was gone. And my current boyfriend helped me feel emotions and become myself and be confident again. He helped me through this, and was here for me when no one really was. He understands me, he knows how bad cody broke me and ripped me up.

Why would I want to be here for someone who killed me inside? Break ups suck because you lose a best friend, and their family. I can't do anything to help him. And I have to accept that. It's hard to see his name pop up on my phone out of the blue and tell me that he's struggling and that one of his friends passed away.

I can't really talk about all of this to any of my friends, a few of them would just tell me to get over it... But it's not that simple. I don't care about him, but yet I slightly do. I know I'm not the only one hurting and this breakup was also hard on him too, and right now he really needs someone here for him.

And I know I can't be that person. I can't be here for him like I used to. He's the one who gave up on me and walked out. I bet he is missing me. He won't ever have someone here for him like I was.

As much as I wish I could get him out of my head I can't. I wish life wasn't so complicated, I have so many confusing things happening and they always happen when I don't expect them to.  Sometimes I have memories that I wish I could forget about, but I want to look back on them no matter how painful it is.

This is a pretty long rant, and I still have more stuff to get off my chest. I wish I could talk to my friends about how I'm feeling...

Until next time!
- Countrygirl1055 XX