Kabanata 36
Alone
Bago pa ako mahulog sa mga salita niya ay pinigilan ko na ang aking sarili. Ito ang problema sa 'yo, Sunny! You fall for the slightest sign of longing or love. You just can't stop yourself. You always want more. Kaya palagi kang umuuwing luhaan, nagsisisi, at nahihiya!
Imbes na alisin ang mga kamay niya sa aking bewang ay hinayaan ko iyon doon. If he wants us this fucking close, then so be it! Maybe this way, he'd at least think that his touch holds no goddamn power over me. Na kahit buong araw man kaming nasa ganitong ayos, hinding-hindi ko na ulit siya papapasukin sa buhay ko.
"I can't believe you're asking me that. Ganiyan ba talaga ang gusto mo, Ico? For me to mark you as mine?"
His jaw clenched. I think I have never seen his eyes portray this kind of emotion before. Parang siya mismo ay hindi alam kung paano ako pakikitunguhan. Kung aaluin niya ba ako o pagagalitan.
"I don't care what you do to me, okay? I just want to feel like I'm not a passing thing in your life. Hindi 'yong palagi mo na lang akong tinutulak palayo. You always do that to me. You always treat me like some useless fucking trash."
"Mamarkahan kita? Tapos ano? Anong plano mo pagkatapos, ha?" sarkastiko kong tanong. "Kung makapagsalita ka parang ang dali-dali lang gawin 'yang hinihingi mo. You never even think about me or my feelings! Ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sa 'yong hindi kita mahal?!"
I pushed him this time. Agad siyang napaatras. Bigong-bigo ang kaniyang mukha. I don't get him... Bakit kailangan niyang guluhin ang buhay ko ng ganito? Akala niya siguro tanga ako. Oo, nagkamabutihang-loob kami noon. Pero limang taon na ang nakalipas.
He obviously changed. And I did, too. How could he even ask me to care for him when he obviously doesn't care about me? Kasi kung totoong may pakialam siya sa akin, hindi niya dapat ako ginugulo. More importantly, how could he act like he likes me when he's a fucking married man?
Bumuntong-hininga siya at marahas na ginulo ang kaniyang buhok. He turned around, cussed, and looked back at me with a much calmer expression. Kinalma ko rin ang sarili ko kasi, sa totoo lang, ayaw kong nagsisigawan kami. We weren't kids anymore. We should at least know how to communicate our feelings without shouting at each other.
"Okay, fine. I'm sorry. You don't love me." He took a deep breath. It's like it took everything in him to admit those words. "But can you at least give us a chance?"
"A chance to what?" I gave him my sharpest gaze yet. "To have a secret relationship?"
Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "Secret? Why would I keep you a secret?"
"E gago ka pala, e!" Sinubukan kong huwag taasan ang aking tono pero hindi ko na napigilan. "Gusto mo akong gawing kabit mo tapos hindi mo isisikreto? Am I still some kind of a cheap whore to you?"
I was disgusted. Suddenly, I remembered that time he called me a slut at the country club five years ago. Sumikip ang dibdib ko sa pinagsamang pagka-insulto at galit.
Punong-puno ng pagtataka ang kaniyang mga mata. "Why would you be a mistress? I am not married."
"Not married!" bulalas ko. I could not believe him. "Sabihin mo 'yan sa lahat ng mga artikulo ng kasal niyo ni Hazel! Hindi ba't pumunta ka pa nga rito sa Manila dahil nanganak siya? Ano, masyado ka bang nalibugan sa akin noon na kahit may pamilya ka na ngayon, ako pa rin ang hinahanap-hanap mo?"
Pinagsisihan ko agad ang mga sinabi kong iyon nang makita ang nag-aalab na mga mata ni Ico. Siya naman ngayon ang mukhang nandidiri at nainsulto. Naglakad siya palapit sa akin. He towered over me, a scowl on his face and a vicious glint in his eyes. All gentleness was now gone.
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