Bad Times at Sunrise (La Fortuna Series #3)

Wakas

Wakas

Nang makapasok sa opisina ni Dr. Legaspi ay kaagad akong binungad ng palakaibigan niyang ngiti. Sinenyas niya ang silyang nasa harap niya kaya umupo ako roon.

Nilibot ko ang aking tingin. Unang beses ko rito kaya medyo kinakabahan ako. Tulad ng inaasahan, malinis at maayos ang mga kagamitan sa buong silid. Wala ring nakasinding ilaw at tanging ang katamtamang sinag ng araw mula sa malaking bintana ang bumalot sa buong espasyo.

"Good morning po," bati ko.

"Good morning, Sunny. What brought you here in my office?"

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam. Kung tutuusin ay sobrang payapa ng nakaraang anim na buwan. Kahit nagkaayos naman kami ni Ico sa Roxas, pinilit ko pa rin siyang pumunta sa England. We did long distance for three months. When he came back, we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves for weeks on end.

Parang bininyagan na nga namin 'yong summer house kasi kahit saan na lang kami nagse-sex. We did it in his office, on the kitchen, on the pool, and one time, on the beach. Ewan ko na lang talaga kung bakit hindi humuhupa ang kasabikan namin para sa isa't-isa.

Everything was okay... Nagising na lang ako isang araw at naisip na gawin ito. I felt like I needed help. Ilang beses ko 'tong iniwasan kasi sa tingin ko kaya ko naman. But I realized I didn't want to put Ico through the complexities of my emotions again. Hindi dapat ganoon. Kaya heto ako... naghahanap ng tulong.

"I just want to heal myself po... I want you to help me figure out how to regulate my emotions better. I think I owe it to myself and my loved ones to heal."

Mataman akong tinignan ni Dr. Legaspi bago tumango. Napahinga ako ng maluwag. I needed her to somehow validate what I just said. I needed her to approve to this.

"That's good to hear. I'm glad you pushed through despite your obvious fears."

Natawa ako ng kaunti. "Halata po ba? It's just weird to actually be here. I always saw myself as a resilient woman."

"Your fear is normal. Hindi rin naman kasi gaanong conventional dito sa Pilipinas ang therapy. Filipinos are resilient people. Kapag may problema, sinasabi na lang ng karamihan na, 'Dasal lang 'yan.' Pero hindi naman lahat nakukuha sa dasal despite the constant narrative from the Church that prayer is all we need. It's okay to seek professional help, especially for those who are not mentally sound or in a good place."

Tumango ako. Ilang segundo kaming nagkatitigan ni Dr. Legaspi. Pinagmasdan ko siyang kunin ang kaniyang clipboard at ballpen. Ang pagkumpas ng orasan ay bumitin sa ere.

"I'm glad you're here today, Sunny. Where do you want to start?"

"With my relationships po sana."

"Romantic?"

Umiling ako. "Just in general po."

She nodded, so I went on.

"I think... I think I'm scared of letting people in. May mga taong gusto ko pong maging parte ng buhay ko, pero natatakot akong ipakita sa kanila kung sino talaga ako. Pakiramdam ko kapag nakilala nila ang totoong ako, mapapagtanto nilang hindi naman talaga ako espesyal. I grew up being desired for my unpredictability and mystery. That's why I'm scared that if people knew I'm actually boring... and normal... they wouldn't like me anymore."

Tumango si Dr. Legaspi at mapag-intindi ngunit propesyunal akong tinignan. It told me she empathized with me but also reminded me we're here to solve things and not wallow in self-pity.

"What I see here is you're afraid of being seen. Do you, by any chance, feel ashamed of yourself?"

"Always," I admitted.