HIP #3: Forgetting The Old Us

Chapter 45

I don't know if Eros is just in a good mood or what, but he took Charlie and Britney home first before calling me up and asking if we could hang out. We've been dating for months already and having him as my boyfriend is the thing that is so far away from my wildest dreams. Yet Brit is clueless about it. And so far, I have had good times with him.

But in every single aspect, every angle, when I look at his eyes, all I see is Arthur and how we've been before. I don't know how it happened, but every time I'm with him; I picture my ex-boyfriend holding my hand instead of him. It's hard to fight this thing, I feel.

I love Eros so much. And he's so different from Arthur. When we began dating up to when we broke up, he was toxic and always on his phone. But Eros is always paying attention to me. He considers my likes and dislikes all the time. He understands me, and he was the first one to fix me.

So, I feel stupid for hiding this feeling I can't deny is because of Arthur. I don't want to lie. But it's him in my head all the time. I feel like this thing grew inside me and I didn't even notice it. I was focusing on the bad things happening to me and I forgot to look at the good ones. Then I ended up being frustrated and disappointed in myself.

A few minutes earlier, after he took my best friend home, he called me up saying he was about to pick me up. I immediately said yes considering that I needed to kill some time. I have no homework to do today or any project given by the teachers so aside from advanced reading and studying, I have nothing else to do. Perhaps Eros could help me get out of the bored zone I'm currently stuck into right now.

It's not like I'm only dating him to waste time. Well... I would be lying with that statement.

Honestly, I realized. These past few days, I've been acting like Eros is my time killer who always helps me use every moment carelessly as my teenage days, which is fun. But on the other hand, I know I'm doing this only because I'm bored.

Now, it's just me thinking I can change.

"Where do you want to go?" He asked.

It has been a long moment of silence in this car already. We haven't made a single noise aside from the car beeping when a different car gets slow in front of us or when the traffic lights turn red. It's like we're complete strangers. But every time he glances at me, we smile at each other and we do the same when I'm the one glancing at him.

"Everywhere fun," I responded.

"Where do you want to have fun? There are a lot of places to have fun. Parties, malls, parks, restaurants, beaches, or whatever." I chuckled. He's always unprepared when it comes to these things. I mean our dates. But I like the way he's so careless.

I bit my lips while thinking. "I guess staying here is better." I don't feel like going out right now. I want to have fun but I'm not as energetic as I used to be. Maybe I truly need to get more sleep as I said in class earlier.

My mind is shut off and my heart is a little tired from all the things that happened today. "Okay, let's stay here..." and after that, he stopped the car in front of a tall white streetlight. The noise froze and the air conditioner slowly vanished. I rolled down the window beside me and he did the same to the one beside him.

I took a deep breath in and narrowed at the window. I don't know what should I do now that I'm all stuck in this car with him, with nothing to do. From my side, I felt how he moved to the backseat and grabbed a few packs of chips. Our usual date snacks. Simple but I love the way they are. "You want some?" He asked while putting them close to me.

I not-so-energetically shook my head and faked a half-smile. "Okay," he took it away and then opened it. "How was your day?"

I wanted to answer him but I feel like my tongue immediately backed away. I was about to speak when he interrupted. "You've never been this quiet. Are you fine? Is something wrong? You know that you can tell me everything, right?"

That's the point. That is what is wrong. I can tell him everything but I don't want to. I'm scared that he might get jealous, or feel like he has to gatekeep me, and that I haven't moved on about Arthur. But it's always about him.

"I'm okay,"

"You're obviously not." His calm voice makes me realize how well he knows me. He knows me better than I know myself. "It's okay, you know? Tell me, I will listen. Did someone hurt you? Did you cry? Or what?"

He's too good to be true. His kindness, his words, his sincereness. And everything! I don't deserve him. He doesn't deserve to be treated this way. He's supposed to be loved in the right way: And that is in the way where it's only him being wanted.

"I... I... I don't want to do this anymore." My mouth spat the words I couldn't search for earlier.

He smiled. He's... smiling?

"I know, I knew it in the first place." He slightly chuckled. "Is it about him?" I thought I couldn't but I was able to nod.

"I'm sorry. I just- I just... you know, I-" I couldn't look for the words but the way he nodded gently expressed how much he understood me. "You don't need to explain, Shane. I understand how you feel."

"Is this okay with you?"

"Definitely... If this is the only way I can make you happy. I don't want to keep on making you love me when I know you love someone else." I can't believe I'm saying goodbye to the guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

I love him. But no matter how much I try, someone already has my heart all locked up. "Thank you," I smiled. This time, it isn't fake.

I don't care if Arthur already has moved on. I just don't want to date somebody else knowing that I haven't completely forgotten about the old us. I leaned toward him and opened my arms for a hug. He chuckled and began tapping my back gently. "Now, I want you to go out there and be happy with him."

I can't believe he's letting me go.

I don't want us the end. Never. But this is the only way I can stop lying to the world, to him, to my friends, to Arthur, and most especially, to myself.