They Rely On Hope. What Do I Rely On? - Tommyinnit Adoption AU

Chapter 12

Tw: mention of su!cide

Tommy wasn't quite sure what was happening. Ranboo's face was in front of him. The boy was looking at him, concerned and worried and Tommy didn't know why. Well he did, he knew that he had been shaking and that Ranboo knew he hated seeing notes like that, but why did he care. He shouldn't care. Tommy was fine. Tommy was always fucking fine.

"Do you need to leave?" Ranboo asked and Tommy shook his head, before turning away and looking back to his notebook, staring at it and writing the rest of the sentence he had been working on before. He didn't want Ranboo to care. He didn't want anyone to care. He didn't trust the care in Ranboo's eyes and he didn't trust Ranboo.

Ranboo seemed to notice the dismissal and understand Tommy didn't want to talk. He moved over to his desk and started working, not saying a word. Tommy didn't know whether to feel grateful or untrusting of that. He should feel grateful that Ranboo understood, but it was something Tommy wasn't used to. No one understood him, and he was ok with that.

The class was over not much later and Tommy had packed up and was out the door before Ranboo could follow. He was half running through the corridors, trying to escape Ranboo and the group and all of it, but he really didn't know where he was going.

In the end Tommy found a small area between two cupboards and he stayed there, not knowing what else to do. He was curled up, hidden from the world and it was safe like that. He had no food today, hadn't been left anything, so he didn't really have anything to do other then think. So, he thought.

He started with planning the next part of his assignment, but his mind drifted to that note and to Tubbo. He pulled himself out of that and returned to planning for the assignment. Not too much later he found himself drifting into thoughts of Tubbo once more.

Tommy almost screamed, at himself, at the world and at Ranboo for reminding him of it, but he forced the sound back down his throat, swallowing it. He would not scream. He let his head fall into his knees and sat there in a curled up ball, trying and failing not to cry as memories of his brother filled him so painfully.

Tubbo had been the one stable thing in Tommy's life. The one happy thing. The one thing that kept him around, and now Tubbo was gone and it wasn't fair. And the worst part was that these people were acting like they cared. They were acting like they wanted to be friends but no one ever wanted that with Tommy. They used to want it with Tubbo. He had friends, and they had begrudgingly accepted Tommy into the group as the only way to keep Tubbo around, but they had never wanted Tommy. That was what Tommy knew. That was what Tommy was used to. That was what Tommy wanted. He wished it was Tubbo here, because Tubbo would've been their friends. Tubbo would have and Tommy would have stayed to the side, watching over his twin and keeping him safe.

That was what Tommy was good for. Keeping Tubbo as safe as he could. That was his job. And he had failed. He had kept Tubbo safe from the kids at school, and done the best to protect him from their foster parents, always taking the brunt of the blows, but somehow Tommy hadn't protected Tubbo from himself. Tubbo had left him behind. Tubbo had died and Tommy was left, hurt and alone and his own fucking unlovable self.

"Tommy?" A voice. Shit. A voice. Someone had seen him like this. No one could see him like this! He should have found a better hiding spot. What was wrong with him!? Why had he chosen here!?

"Hey, Tommy, are you ok?" The voice asked and Tommy nodded, not raising his head, not looking to see who's voice it was. Not ready to face the person who had seen him like this.

He heard rustling and then it quieted, and now the voice was much closer, as though the person was sitting down.

"Hi Tommy," They said, "I'm here if you want to talk."