They Rely On Hope. What Do I Rely On? - Tommyinnit Adoption AU

Chapter 20

Tw: mentions of abuse, mentions of panic attack/trying to fight of a panic attack

The experiment finished and the teacher said they could talk for the last 5 minutes. Tommy waited with all the dread in the world for the teacher to tell them to go home. Home... it was a word Tommy understood, and knew he didn't have. People- foster parents, teachers, kids at school who discovered the fact that Tommy was a foster kid and used it to hurt him, and even just other foster kids from group homes- had told him that house and home were different and he knew that. They had each explained that house was a place, home was a feeling. Home could be the house, but it could also be a group of people, or a different place. Home could be anything. For Tommy, It it had once been Tubbo. Now, home was something Tommy would never have and that was a fact he knew well.

Tommy was pulled out out of his pained thought-track and overwhelming sense of loneliness and loss when Conner bumped his shoulder excitedly. Tommy flinched, before quickly trying to recover, trying not to hurt Conner by it. He didn't think Conner would attack him now, but Tommy didn't want to hurt Conner. Not with Quackity being so protective- so dangerous.

"Hey Tommy, it's the weekend! We should do something fun!" He beamed, then after a few moments of thought, his eyes gleamed with excitement, "We should have a whole group hang out! That way you can really get to know us! If you wanna have it at your house to be more comfortable you can!"

Those words terrified Tommy. Just a hang out with people at all is probably strictly against the rules, especially at Dream's house, but saying no is bad too. He didn't want to risk Quackity's anger. Dream's wrath however would be much worse.

"I- I'm sorry... I don't think I'm allowed to," Tommy said, his voice just above a whisper, fear growing with each word he said. Terror began to consume him, echoing and hurting and pulling at him, calling him to scream or shake or run or cry or anything, but he chose freeze, remaining still, waiting for Conner's anger to come.

"Oh," Conner said, disappointment radiating off of him.

"I'm sorry," Tommy repeated, genuine terror, trembling and obvious filled his voice.

"No, it's ok, it's ok," Conner insisted looking at Tommy and registering how his friend was shaking. Tommy could see the concern filling Conner's face and he tried to pull himself together, tried to make Conner stop looking at him like that. He wished Conner would just let him be. He knew this concern was fake. It was a lie. He knew it and he hated it and he wanted Conner and everyone else to leave him alone because he couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand the concern, because he knew it was fake and it made him hurt ten thousand times more then if they were just fucking honest.

"Hey, Tommy, it's ok if you can't do stuff, it's fine, really, I just thought it would be nice, but it's not an issue!" Conner says, basically pleading with Tommy, who is now staring forward, forcing his mind away from the conversation and away from the panic attack that is edging closer and closer to the surface.

"Tommy," Conner started, moving to rest his hand gently on Tommy's arm to calm him. As soon as Tommy felt the unexpected pressure on his still agonising bruises, he hissed with pain.

"Tommy?"

"I'm fine," Tommy said, pulling his hand away and looking at the floor. Now Conner would hate him. He shouldn't have made a sound. He wasn't allowed to. He shouldn't have even spoken to begin with.

Conner looked like he wanted to ask more, press for an answer, but as he opened his mouth to speak, the teacher let them go, and Tommy was racing out the door. He needed to get back on time. He needed to. He half ran out the school, and broke into a full sprint when he was outside, not stopping as he ran to the shops. He grabbed the stuff Dream had asked for as quickly as he could, ignoring his legs, which were now screaming with agony. He needed to go and he needed to go now. He scanned the cashiers. Not the same as yesterday. Good.

Instantly, with that value sense of safety assured, Tommy was rushing to get everything bought. The cashier noticed his urgency, but still seemed to go achingly slow in Tommy's eyes. He asked if Tommy was ok, and Tommy stumbled over his words, but assured him that he was. He grabbed the stuff and walked as fast as he could, knowing not to run in shopping centres. Some the guards got mad and he didn't have time for that.

As soon as he was outside, he started to run, but was stopped by Eret's voice.

"Tommy?" She asked, staring at him in shock. She hadn't been at school today, and Tommy wondered what she was doing, but at the same time was panicking because she had just stopped him and he could not risk being late. Not again. Never again.

"I'm sorry, I can't stay!" Tommy called, after barely slowing.

"Wait, Tommy!" She yelled after him and Tommy panicked. If he didn't stop, school would hurt a whole lot more, but if he did, he risked being late. He had run though, and if he rushed her through what she wanted, he could make it back in time. So, quickly he turned back to Eret.

"Hey, are you ok?"

"I have to get home, I'm sorry."

"No, that's fine, I'm just on my way to pick up Ranboo so he doesn't have to walk alone. Still feeling sick, but ok enough to pick him up," She explained, "But you're running and you look exhausted and like you're hurt, and Ranboo said he's worried about you and-"

"I'm fine, really. I just have to get home before anyone gets worried. That's all."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fine," Tommy insisted, pleading with her to let him leave. Maybe she noticed the look and felt pity, or maybe she just was over talking to him, but she smiled and said she would see him on Monday, and with those words, Tommy was free to turn and run once more.

Eret hadn't taken up too much time. She had held him up for barely any time at all, but he was still filled with terror as he opened the door, expecting to see Dream waiting for him with those cruel, deadly, glaring eyes. The relief that filled him when he was met by an empty room almost brought him to the ground in sobs. Almost. He didn't fall. He didn't fall and he didn't cry. He simply found his way silently around the kitchen, putting everything away and then disappearing to his room.

As soon as he was inside he collapsed gingerly on his bed, muscles exhausted from running and fear and the panicked tension he had maintained all day, and bruises still hurt like hell. He did not look forward to the weekends. He did not know what to expect and he feared the worst. He imagined Dream might still be angry at Tommy, in which case, last night was probably not the worst of the days he would have to face Dream.

Some foster parents were much better on weekends, not taking their stress about work out on Tommy, because the stress was lessened, but others were so much worse. They would scream at him for constantly being around and annoying them, or sneer if he wanted to leave. Then then the yells would stop and the fists would come, or sometimes the yells didn't stop, and the fists came with the yells. Basically, he didn't know what Dream was like, and he wasn't looking forward to it whatever happened.

Tommy wondered if Dream would be one of those who weren't bad unless Tommy did something. Even if it was something he didn't know he wasn't allowed to do, it would still potentially be a rule break, and Tommy could accept pain as punishment. He preferred that the to mindless fury that others had. The worst however, were the ones who claimed they loved him even as their fists met his body. See, Tommy was a foster kid who had had awful house after awful house after awful house, but that didn't mean he didn't know love. He did. He knew love and it was what he felt for Tubbo. He would never hurt someone he loved, simply because he loved them, but he also knew that that wasn't something everyone understood. Some people thought that love was just a word to throw around, or that hurting Tommy was fine because they loved him. Still, it hurt, because Tommy wanted to believe them. Wanted to feel that love again, however impossible that was.

Words: 1500

A/N: my sister is holding my Ranboo plush hostage, to force me to write more, (you guys shuld yell at her kn the comments for the cruelty and get her to give Ran back /hj) but in response I didn't write more all day- that was on accident to be fair, I kept trying to write, but after every sentance or 2, someone would msg me on discord, then conversation happened, and now I have spent 20 minutes not writing, so I think conversation is over, and go back to writing, 2 sentences later, I discover it is not... this was on repeat all afternoon, for an average length chapter, this took a long time for me-