They Rely On Hope. What Do I Rely On? - Tommyinnit Adoption AU

Chapter 55

TW: mentions of: su!cide, survivors guilt, abuse, and death

Eventually, when Ranboo had left, and Eret had finally stopped pacing and gone to her own bed, exhaustion overwhelmed the terror, pulling Tommy into a fitful sleep. The few minutes of sleep he got between awaking were filled with painful memories, being relived a thousand times again. Every time he awoke he rolled over, burying his head into the pillow to muffle the sobs until he fell asleep once more.

Finally, sleep took a stronger hold on him, and he slipped deeper into a sleep that he wouldn't awake from so easily. If Tommy could've changed that, he would've. He would've done pretty much anything to have not slept then had he known.

His dreams were cruel, screams filling them constantly. Screams of his own. Screams of his brother. Screams of the foster kids he had shared houses with sometimes. Screams of random people he did not know. Screams of fury. Screams of pain. Screams for help. Screaming and screaming, so loud Tommy wished he could drown it out with his own voice, but when he opened his mouth to scream his own plea for a break, nothing came.

Amongst the screams, he heard words.

Words he had heard a thousand times before, "You're worthless." "You're a brat." "I'm disappointed." "Idiot." "You are so lucky." "You deserve so much worse." "You're a monster." "You're insane." "You're too much." "You're not enough." "You're broken." "You aren't wanted." "No one will ever want you." "You are unlovable."

And words that came as only one voice, "Your twin killed himself so that he wasn't stuck with you." "He killed himself to escape you." "If it weren't for you, your twin would still be alive." "If you had been less annoying, you could have saved him, but no." "You drove him to death." "It's your fault he's dead." "Brothers should go down together." "You don't deserve to be in this world."

Over all the noise of the screams and the accusations and everything else, Tommy heard the same words again and again, in Puffy's voice, "Your brother overdosed, Tommy, they couldn't save him, I'm so sorry." Again and again. The words somehow both the quietest of them all, and yet the loudest too.

"HE KILLED HIMSELF TO ESCAPE YOU"

"IT'S YOUR FAULT!"

"YOU DON'T DESERVE TO MORN THE ONE YOU KILLED!"

"HE'S DEAD!"

"They couldn't save him..."

"NO! NO! PLEASE!" Tommy screamed into the void, hands clamped hard over his ears, his voice finally returning, "NO! I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I LOVED HIM! PLEASE! IM SORRY! I'M SO SORRY PLEASE!

He screamed and screamed, begging someone, anyone to hear him. To pity him. To save him. To tell him it's not true. To tell him it's not his fault. He couldn't've done anything. He was a child. He needed someone, anyone to tell him that because no one was and maybe Tommy was wrong. Maybe Tommy was wrong and he should've done something. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he had survived and Tubbo was gone. It didn't make sense! Why was Tubbo not the one who had survived!? Someone could've loved Tubbo. Not Tommy, but they could've loved Tubbo.

"WHY!?" Tommy screamed, pleading for an answer, and when none came he let out a guttural scream, needing an answer, needing an explanation.

"Tommy! Tommy wake up! Tommy! You're ok! It was just a dream!" Eret was shaking him, pulling him out of that retched void of voices. So many voices. So much pain. He hadn't heard Eret's though. Hadn't heard any of theirs. He didn't know which voices they would be.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to, please I promise I'll be better! It won't happen again, please!"

"It's ok Tommy. It's ok, I promise. It was just a nightmare. Everyone has nightmares, but you're safe now. Nothing's going to hurt you. No one is going to hurt you. Not again. I'll do everything I can possibly do to protect you."

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, please- I'm so sorry," Tommy sobbed again and again and again. He wasn't allowed to scream, wasn't allowed to make any noise, wasn't allowed to wake people up, wasn't allowed to cry, wasn't allowed to do any of this. He was in so much trouble. Why wasn't Eret screaming yet? When would the fists come?

"Tommy, it's ok, it's ok, I don't mind, I'm not upset, I promise."

"Please-" Tommy begged, not knowing what he was asking for. Maybe it was safety. Maybe it was for her not to lie. Maybe it was for the answers Tommy had wanted for years. For his whole life.

Eret pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back gently, and whispering promises of safety. She kept doing that until finally Tommy had calmed. Then, she pulled away, just enough to meet Tommy's gaze.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Eret asked. No. No he couldn't. He couldn't because then she'd know, she'd know so much. Too much. She couldn't know. Couldn't know how weak he was. How broken he was. How much pain he was already in.

"I don't know," Tommy whispered and Eret nodded, not pressing him to say anymore.

"That's ok," She replied, her voice calm, with no sign of disappointment or annoyance, simply acceptance and something else that Tommy couldn't quite place, but it didn't feel dangerous.

"I'm sorry," Tommy tried again, wishing he knew what to say.

"Don't apologise when you haven't done anything wrong," She said, with no hint of annoyance in her voice, simply encouraging him. They sat in silence for a long moment, Tommy still having no clue what to say, and Eret giving him room until she eventually spoke again, "Do you want to go back to sleep, watch a movie, play a game, talk or something else?"

Tommy knew he didn't want to sleep. He had never watched a movie, nor played many games, none since Tubbo. He certainly didn't want to talk.

"I don't know."

Words: 1000

A/N: I wrote this last night, right after the other one (I wasn't sure if it was gonna be one or 2 chapters) I would've posted it last night, but I knew I'd fall asleep before finishing editing it, soooo... XD