They Rely On Hope. What Do I Rely On? - Tommyinnit Adoption AU

Chapter 36

TW: implications of su!cide, SH and abuse

Tommy had the feeling HBomb wouldn't hurt him. Maybe that was because HBomb would lose his job if he did, although that hadn't stopped others before him, or maybe it was because Tommy had claimed to be friends with Techno. Techno could destroy HBomb, and Tommy had the feeling he'd do it for his friends too. Unfortunately that whole thing hadn't been quite right. Tommy was not Techno's friend. Tommy was simply a kid Techno took pity on for now, but quickly enough he'd get bored. Then it's become too easy for Tommy to be a punching bag.

He imagined that HBomb wouldn't force Tommy to do anything, probably out of fear of Techno, so referring to Techno as his friend was a good play, as long as Techno didn't hear he said it. If Techno heard and didn't like it, well that would be bad, probably bad enough for Tommy to call Puffy.

The good thing about calling Techno his friend was that when Tommy said he'd sit silently, he could do just that.

HBomb had insinuated Tommy would be wasting time, but the way he had said it sounded not like he was upset Tommy was wasting his time, but rather he was upset that Tommy was wasting Tommy's own time. That had probably been what threw Tommy the most.

Throughout his life, Tommy had been called many things, told he had done many things wrong. The big thing was wasting other people's time. He wasted their time constantly. He ran, their time was wasted catching him. He cried, their time was wasted dealing with him. He broke the rules, their time was wasted as they punished him. Never had anyone claimed Tommy was wasting his own time. Never. Tommy's time wasn't worth anything, he could waste it. All he needed was to turn 18 and age out of this hellhole, which meant he needed to waste time for 5 more years. He could do that.

So, he sat, silent and unmoving. What else was he supposed to do? If he talked he risked saying something that permitted HBomb to call Dream, which would end even worse. He couldn't do that. He simply couldn't go through that again. Not yet. He needed to survive long enough to age out, and that meant he couldn't get hurt that badly again. Not now. Not when it could kill him.

"Tommy?" HBomb asked when Tommy didn't move or make a sound for a few minutes. Tommy ignored him, staring ahead.

"Are you with me?" HBomb asked. Tommy ignored him.

"Tommy, can I ask you something? You don't have to answer it out loud, but I want you to think about it. If you can tell me, please do," HBomb said. Tommy didn't make any signal to show he was listening, but he was. He was curious what the man had to say.

"Why?" HBomb asked, "Why? It's such a small question, but it could be to anything. What's the first thing you think when you hear the question? What is the answer to the questions you think to respond to the why? There is no wrong answer, other then a lie. Even if you are talking to yourself, be careful not to lie. Be honest with yourself, even if you can't trust me, trust yourself."

Tommy thought about that. 'Why?' was quite a big question after all. Why did he always hurt? Why had every house been a living nightmare? Why was he always alone? Why did no one like him? Why did Techno seem to care? Why did Tommy want to trust Techno? Why did Techno remind Tommy of Tubbo? Why had Tubbo left him? Why did Tommy lose everything he had, his parents, his happiness, his brother, his hope, all so quickly? Why? It was a good question. Maybe doing what HBomb said could help. Not because he needed therapy, but because he needed answers.

Why did he always hurt? That was easy enough. He hurt because people hurt him. That statement raised another question, why did people always hurt him? He was the variable that never changed, so it must be him, but Tubbo hadn't hurt him. So what was it? Tubbo had loved him. No one else had. Was it love? Had Tommy simply lost his ability to be loved after Tubbo had died? Everyone who loved him had died, maybe that was a sign for people not to love him. Maybe. Tommy didn't know. He didn't think he'd get an answer for that one, so he move on.

Why had every house been a living nightmare? He had basically just answered that, or well, decided he couldn't. Easier to just move on, come back to it.

Why was he always alone? Was it because he was unlovable or because he couldn't trust? Was it because people always hurt him or because Tommy pushed them away before they could? No. He pushed them away because they would hurt him, because he was unlovable. He guessed that worked as an answer.

Why did no one like him? He already answered this. He had lost his ability to be loved when everyone who had loved him had died.

Why did Techno seem to care? This was a hard one. The most logical answer considering Tommy's past would be that he's lying, manipulating Tommy, but that didn't feel right. It felt too genuine. So did he genuinely care? No that made even less sense. Techno didn't have a clear motive yet and it worried Tommy. He liked to know people's motives. Foster parents either wanted him to show off their parenting skills to their friends, or to use him as a punching bag to get out their anger, or to treat as a slave. That was all it was. Always a motive. Always clear. Techno's was unclear and that was terrifying. So to answer the question, Tommy had simply no idea.

Why did Tommy want to trust Techno? Maybe it was because he reminded Tommy of Tubbo in some weird way. That had been what swayed him to trust each time, when Technonhad given Tommy a look that was just like Tubbo's, but why? It didn't make sense. Tubbo didn't look like Techno. Techno was so different, so much more unknown and so much more deadly. So what was it that made Tommy want Techno not to be lying? Was he looking to have someone like Tubbo again? He didn't want to replace his brother. He knew that. So what did he want? Maybe he wanted love? He had already established that couldn't happen.

Why did Techno remind Tommy of Tubbo? This was a weird one. It didn't make sense. Techno was the complete opposite of Tubbo. Techno was strong, muscles showing clearly, Tubbo had been weak, only a child really, with no muscles to speak of. Techno had hurt people before, Tommy could see it in the scarring of his fists, Tubbo had never hurt a fly. Techno bad protected Tommy, Tubbo had stood behind Tommy, the one being protected. Techno was dangerous, Tubbo had not been. But... Techno was scarred, as was Tubbo. Techno called Tommy his, as had Tubbo. Techno checked on Tommy, as Tubbo had. Techno looked at Tommy the same way Tubbo did. Techno looked at Tommy like he knew the world was falling apart but the only thing that mattered was if Tommy was going to be ok. Techno looked at him with love. Tommy wanted so much to trust him. Tubbo had been there when Tommy had been insistent he'd never trust again. Tubbo had said that one day he would. That was before Tubbo lost his hope. That was before Tubbo died. Maybe Tubbo had been right to hope. Tommy didn't know.

Why had Tubbo left him? Dream had claimed Tubbo didn't want Tommy around, but something told him that was wrong. Tubbo had wanted Tommy to do something he couldn't. Tubbo had wanted Tommy to survive even though he had given up. Tubbo had wanted Tommy to find his way to being happy. Maybe Tommy could do that for his brother. Maybe. He just had to work out how.

Why did Tommy lose everything? Maybe he hadn't held on tight enough. Maybe all it would've taken to keep Tubbo with him was for Tommy's hug to be more urgent, more needy, more loving. Tubbo had left and Tommy had stayed and still Tommy could not follow, no matter how he wanted to, because he had made a promise. He did not break promises.

Tommy took a deep breath, trying to steady his body. He could feel how much he was shaking, how the world felt like it was getting smaller and smaller and closing in. He knew he would never get the answers he so desperately wanted, but still as the world closed in around him, he remembered the most important thing. His brother had loved him. That much he knew.

Words: 1500

A/N: my teacher basically told me to have an existential crisis today with her asking what I learn about myself and the world, so I decided to share the joy and let Tommy have an existential crisis