Little Do They Know

Chapter 56 - Spiralling

I spiralled. Not in a way where it was physically obvious, but rather, in a way where my brain wouldn't stop moving. My thoughts wouldn't stop thinking. It was as if every issue I had ever faced in my life, looked at me, right in the eye.

"Bradie!" Becky said to me, clicking her fingers in front of my face, "we're going on." We were up against France, playing in New Zealand once again. I could see my captain's eyes looking into mine, but I was ghost-like. I couldn't even seem to string together steps, let alone a whole game of football.

"I've got her," another voice said, coming through the doors, "she won't be a moment." It was Emily. She grabbed my hand, looking at me and forcing me to look at her.

"I know you don't understand how you are feeling at the moment. I know your brain is bursting with too many thoughts to even comprehend. But this opportunity, to play in another game at the World Cup, is not something you want to be missing. Bradie, we need you. Come back to reality. Please." I moved my head slightly, knowing she was right.

"Yeah," I was able to say, "okay." She helped me off the stool, and I ran out to the pitch. They had already sung the national anthems of both France and the United States, so I was out to take the team photo and then the game commenced.

When I am on the field, it is as if every single thought that bubbles through my brain disappears. All I focus on is the moment. Is the present. Having the grass underneath my cleats, and the ball at my feet brings me a sense of peace I am able to achieve nowhere else. It is my special spot. It is my happy place. So, even though I felt as if my world was going to shit, and as if the entire universe was against me, strangely I was grateful it was happening at the World Cup, as it meant I could go out onto the field, and let all those worries fall away.

When I had my first touch of the game, I wanted to be clinical. France were a good side, but I knew I could make it count. I knew I could do something special. If I were to go to Lyon, I would be playing with some of these players such as Wendie Renard. Was that where I was supposed to go? Was Lyon where I was to be the player I always knew I could be?

When Sam made a long range shot from outside the box, the keeper pushed it away, but I got on the end of the scraps, kicking it into the corner of the goal, and then we were up.

France had many chances throughout the game, but Naomi and Becky were clinical in the defence, not allowing any goals to pass through. Additionally, Sophia also scored in the later parts of the game, sealing our win, giving us another three points.

As soon as the whistle blew, I once again felt empty. A pit of unknown. A pit of fear. I felt myself close to crashing, but Emily soon grabbed me from behind, giving me a smile. She was saving me, like she always had. She knew what I needed before I even did. She was someone who loved me, and that care is something I hadn't experienced too much in my life.

"Brads," Sam said, coming over to me as I stumbled off the pitch. I mustered up a smile, but she could tell it was forced. Most people could. "What do you need from me?" Sam asked, "I want to help. Please let me help." I shook my head, not knowing what to really say next.

"I'm okay," I replied, "I just have lots of things I have to sort out."

Later that evening, I had a message from Ettie.

Ettie: hey my girl. Just checking in. how r u?

Bradie: not sure, tbh

Ettie: talk to me.

Bradie: life isn't handing me too many lemons atm in if you know what i mean

Ettie: where r u flying to next?