Crossing Lines

46. Feed my ego

I was nervous as I walked into my advisor meeting. Jake had sat with me last night going through everything and helping me talk through what I wanted. I felt closer to figuring out what I wanted to do but still I felt a little lost. I was hoping to find some clarity once I talked to my advisor.

If anyone knew how to help it'd be her.

"Hi Evan." Mrs. Adams smiled at me as I walked in.

I felt immediately at ease. She'd been helping me since freshman year and all my meetings with her had always been good. She just had this welcoming presence that made her so easy to talk to.

"Hi how are you?" I greeted her with a smile.

"I'm good, how are you?"

"I'm ok." I got situated in one of the chairs knowing this might take long.

"You said that you wanted to come in and talk about possibly changing your major?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

The ease of her friendly demeanor seemed to vanish as the nerves picked back up. Thinking about the future and trying to make this decision was making me want to throw up. It felt like more than just changing my major. It was a taking my life back, uprooting everything.

"You know changing your major this late would mean not graduating in the spring?"

"I know but I want to be doing something I like." I confessed.

"Let me pull up your information." She turned to her computer.

I waited as she got all my information pulled up.

"Do you know what major you were thinking about changing to?" She asked once she was finished on the computer.

I'd been nervous before about what I was going to say but now as I opened my mouth to speak I just let it all tumble out. I told her about all of the ideas I had pushed down over the years because my future had already been mapped out for me.

—

"How'd it go?" Jake smiled at me as I walked into his room.

It was hard to even form the words. The meeting had gone good. We talked for awhile and when we started to make the steps to change I swallowed back all the panic and let it happen.

"I have a few things I need to fill out for it to be official but I'm an English major now." I told him.

There was a weight being lifted off my shoulders at the confession. Saying those words out loud made it all real. I was doing this and there was no backing out now.

I was taking my life back and as excited as I was to be doing something I liked, I could feel the dread for when my father found out.

"I'm really proud of you Ev." Jake's words cut me out of my thoughts and had all that dread be replaced for warmth.

I didn't need to think about my father when Jake was standing here making my feel like this.

"I couldn't have done this without you, so thank you." I closed the distance between us needing to kiss him, to wrap myself around him.

The kiss sent tingles down my body. It was a slower kiss but Jake seemed to be putting so much into it. He kissed me and it made me feel loved. It made me feel like he had all the feelings I did. This kiss made me want to scream from the rooftops about my feelings for Jake.

"You're amazing, you know that?" His whispered against my lips.

I felt like my heart was being cleaved in two.

You're amazing.

You're amazing.

He said said it like it was true, like he meant the words with no doubt. I wasn't great at taking compliments. After being torn down constantly it was hard to believe the words but I tried. Every nice word that was directed at me I tried to hold onto but the negative things tended to stick a little easier.

It wasn't hard to recount all the things thrown at me. To get lost in the memories that never seemed to go away.

"You're a fucking useless waste of space." He snapped and I had no time to dodge as his hand smacked hard against the side of my face.

I stumbled sightly on my feet due to the harsh impact. I should have gotten used to it by now but still there was a part of me that believed if I just listened it would stop happening.

He used the brief second that I was off balance to shove me to the ground. I didn't even try to stop it as my body crumpled beneath me.

"I-I'm sor-,"

"What?! You can't speak properly? God what did I do to end up with this pathetic excuse for a son." He smashed his foot into the side of my body.

I bit back a scream at the flash of pain knowing it would only be worse if I made too much noise.

"Hey." The voice cut me out of my own thoughts and I felt Jake's hand cupping my cheeks holding my face so I was looking at him.

I had to blink a few times to realize that the blurriness in my eyes wasn't because they were unfocused but because they were filling up with tears.

"I'm sorry." I choked out not even knowing exactly why I was crying.

I'd stopped crying over my father years ago. The second I left that house to go to college I'd stuffed it all deep down not to be thought about until I returned. All this change had me spinning out a bit. I couldn't ignore my problems forever and Christmas break was almost here. Once that arrived I'd be going back home and there was definitely no hiding under that roof.

"Don't apologize, what's wrong?" Jake's face was filled with concern and I wished when I opened my mouth the truth would come out.

I wanted to tell him but I just couldn't. I wasn't ready and I knew if I did he would try to keep me from going home. As much as I wanted to avoid it I had to see my parents and it was better not to make Jake worry about what might happen when I do.

"Nothing, I'm just-," I trailed off not knowing exactly what to say. I took a breath before restarting. "You're one of the best people I know, I don't know what I'd do without you."

Instead of telling him about my family I settled on giving him a part of my heart. I shared the closest thing to a love confession as I could without saying those three words out loud.

"I love when you feed my ego." He gave me that beautiful teasing smile that I loved.

"I was feeling generous." I felt good being in this teasing back and forth, it took me out of the dark place that my father resided in.

"You know you can tell me anything. I'll be here to listen whenever you are ready." He leaned forward pressing a quick peck to my lips just showing me he was here and he cared.

I knew he'd listen and I wanted to tell him. I was going to tell him but not yet. I'd wait until after winter break. Once we got back to school I'd tell him everything.

It was better this way. I didn't want to ruin his holiday.

A/n:

I got bit while at work last week and now whenever I read fanfic or a book that has biting in it I just can't get with it. I'm sitting there being like that shit hurts way too much to be enjoyable in any circumstance. To be fair my bite broke skin so I imagine it is probably worse that the bites in the books I'm reading. But I guess fair warning there will be no biting kinks in any of my stories, lol.

Speaking of kinks though, Friday I'm giving you all a little treat in the form of something spicy. This time the chapter might not be in Evans pov... wink wink.

Hope you all enjoyed this chapter!
-Cora Leigh