Crossing Lines

55. Stupid Puzzle

Jake's pov:

I'd seen Evan at many different stages. I'd seen him angry, happy, upset, and relaxed. I'd seen all of that and still watching him now as he silently laid there falling apart I didn't know how to help him. He'd been getting better slowly, talking more and there were moments he'd seem to be coming back to himself. But with those moments also came the times were he'd go unresponsive and just lay there, the moments when he'd curl up in my arms and cry. There was the not eating and the waking up from nightmares he wouldn't talk to me about.

I was seeing progress but it was small and I didn't know what I could do to make him feel better. I wanted to help but I felt like nothing I did was making it better. He told me he didn't need anything other than for me to just be there but I still found myself trying to find a way to make him feel more like himself.

He'd still been asleep when I woke up this morning but when I came back from the bathroom he was awake. I knew it was not a great morning the second I saw his face. He laid there staring at the wall in front of him that dazed look in his eyes. His mind was somewhere else and I wanted nothing more than to pull him back to the present.

I did the one thing I thought might help, I crawled into the bed and wrapped my arms around him. I pulled him against my chest and just held him as he laid there.  I needed him to know I was here for him.

We laid there in silence for awhile. I didn't want to force him to speak and he didn't make the move to start a conversation. I was just thinking that maybe he fell back asleep when he finally broke the quiet.

"If I'd known that all I needed to do was get thrown around to be the little spoon I would have done it weeks ago." He tried to joke.

I didn't find the whole thing funny. I couldn't laugh, not when I'd found him bloody in his car, not when he had looked dead slumped in the front seat. There was nothing funny about the thought of losing him like that.

"Don't, please don't joke about that."

"I'm sorry. I know this hasn't been easy for you but I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now. I shouldn't be surprised by any of this. I'd given up on my father caring about me years ago but I never expected this. I never thought I'd be left without either of them. Growing up I was in hell with my dad but my mom was a constant throughout everything. How was I so blind my whole life? How did I not see that she was just as bad as he was?"

I could hear how broken he was. He'd lost what was left of his family. He had his whole childhood fall apart so fast. All those memories and ideas about his mother were destroyed and now all he had left was the lies he had been clinging onto.

"It's not on you. You wanted her to love you so that's what you saw. How were you supposed to know when she was the only example of love you had? Don't blame yourself, you weren't blind." I tried to reassure him.

"I came out to her. I sat down and told her about you and I thought she accepted me. I was such an idiot because she went and told my dad the second she could. She knew what he'd do and she just sent him up to my room like it was nothing. I just-," Evan's voice broke and I felt his body shudder against mine. "I just wanted her to love me for me."

And then he finally broke down. I tightened my hold around him as sobs racked through his body. I didn't know when or if Evan would ever be okay but I knew I'd be right here doing my best to hold him together when he needed it.

—

Evan had fallen back asleep. At some point his cries has quieted and his body slumped from exhaustion. I stayed and held him for as long ad I could before I detached with the need to go to the bathroom. Part of me was worried about waking him up but he was totally out of it and didn't even stir as I left the bed.