Trust or danger?

Chapter 16

Namjoon POV

Just why did I.. I.. tried to kill her! By drowning, into... bathtub... I...never... I know I don't really hate her!
She caught my attention since that time, when Yoongi picked me up. But I just didn't want to end up between Tae and Jk. They already seemed fixed on her.

My mind..is a mess. Idol they say! Perfection! Yeah right!
We're just fucking perfect, some living dolls!
Following orders. Not having private life, fake personality.
We can never show our true selfs. Live, music, videos, shows, everything is scripted. Who should laugh more, who should speak, who shouldn't.

I can barely feel anything anymore. Even sex. It's mechanic. Just a need. How would you feel signing tons of papers, spread your legs for a couple of hours, no kiss, no cuddles, just minimal touch? And then dress up and disappear from my sight?

Love for us is fantasy! And fuck, we tried!
Cheating, dumping, played, used for money, they stole our songs and leaked them. Private photos shared. Scandals. The company on our back. Cussing us. Making fun of us. Harassing them. They all left! None could handle being with me!

My last ex, she said she was pregnant! I was in heaven! I bought her everything. House, apartment, car, payed tons of money.
The child was not even mine! She broke up with the one she cheated me on and she aborted it!
I would've raised it! I didn't even knew! But she wanted to have nothing in common with me.. after three years.. of... fake love?

Ahh, how much i would love to feel it again. As I did before. Many years ago. Before becoming numb.
I even forgot how a woman touch should feel. Yn skin wa soft, hot. She felt good. So small, into my arms.
I could gobble her up in an instant! Her eyes were so big, scared, honest, sparkling... why?

I would never look at myself the way she did! At none of us.... Does Jk truly love her?
And Jimin... poor Jimin. He is the only one left from us... that still has a pure soul.
Inside him still lives that little boy, from 12 years ago, when we were trainees.

Yes, he should be near her more. He will protect her. I should try taking to him. If only he would listen!
Fuck, I wanna see her again! Talk to her! Apologize! Explain!
But why? For what?

I don't understand myself... I wanna go back. Be that innocent boy, once again. Is he still there, inside of me? Or is he long gone?
Since when did it start? I don't even remember..

Why? Loneliness, tiredness, insomnia, dieting, starving, constant dancing, non-stop singing, until our voice cracked, writing lyric every night and still having not even one song chosen.

Bullied, ruined, stabbed by those close to you, cheated on, lied to, used as a bank... then tossed aside as a dirty rag...
Ohh, so much pretend and fake emotions!
Following my dreams, I lost myself on the way reaching them.

Money, fame? They just dehumanize you more.
More success, more demons to hide.
How much we all changed... how we were and what we became?
Will we ever? Will I ever, heal?
Somewhere, after years passed, I even lost that hope!

**********
And Namjoon ended up telling yn his full story. From his hellish trainee days, until nowadays. About their struggles, their past relationships, his last relationship, the one that broke him the most, making him feel like he doesn't deserve to be loved.
Why he had that urge to take his anger on her, but he didn't remember why he snapped so bad. He just couldn't take it anymore.
Yn was sniffling. She cried. For him. Cause she knew his pain.

But, Jimin, he was listening to them. He was scared than Namjoon may not keep his word. In yn presences, he was to different. As he was, as well. He knew yn may never develop feelings for him, as more than friends, but he was already invested.