Sinful Desires

What I want

"How dare you!! You have no fucking right!"

"Excuse me?" His face was twisted.

"Yes, you heard me" I folded my arms, "You have no right to be angry at anything."

"You fucked him, and I have no right?"

"I didn't sleep with him, Damon," I said to him, bowing my head in shame.

"Then what the hell did you do, because you sure as hell look guilty right now."

"I kissed him," I mumbled that part. I wasn't sure he heard me.

"Say what now?" He walked towards me like a predator, trailing its prey.

"I kissed him, all right! I kissed him!" Tears sprang from my eyes. I was a mess. He reeled at my revelation, clutching at his chest.

"I wanted you to hurt! I wanted you to feel every pain I felt, every damn time you hurt me! I wanted you to feel the way I felt when that woman was fawning over you. I wanted you to burn for having control over me!"

My chest heaved uncontrollably over the screaming match, "What does this mean, Damon? Everything we've done, everything we've been doing, what does it all mean? Because you have not explained it to me. You don't talk to me! All you do is control me, while you have your wife sheltered at home. What the fuck are you doing with me??"

I walked up to him, he looked hurt. His once-perfect face suddenly looked aged, "Because I can't be with you Damon. I can't be with a man who doesn't choose me, a man who doesn't know what he wants. If you want me, choose me! Earn me! But until then, we are done! Whatever this is."

I left him there and walked to the bedroom. My heart ached for him, but there was nothing I could do. This was the right thing. It wasn't right to be fooling around with a married man. If he truly wanted me, he'd divorce his wife. Why the hell was he hesitating? Didn't he love me enough?

These questions bugged me as I sat on the bed, looking at nothing, and wondering how my life turned out this way. I heard the bedroom door open, Damon walked up to me, knelt in front of me, and put his head on my lap. Then I heard him start to cry.

I put my hand on his head to pet him. This was the sad Damon, and I didn't like seeing him hurt. I let him cry, but I continued petting him. His face was hidden in my dress, so I couldn't see him cry, but I knew he was in pain. What was wrong that he couldn't talk about?

"I choose you Alexandria. I'll continue choosing you over, and over again. In a heartbeat, I'll choose you. I will always choose you. What kind of a coward was I, to have married her and not wait for you to show up?"

My heart broke at his admission. I got up and helped him stand. I really couldn't help it, I love this man, regardless of our complications.

I took his both hands in mine, "You know, when Matt brought me here, there was this moment with you, when I thought, I won't have to feel guilty anymore."

"Guilty of what?"

"Of wanting what I want Damon. I can't deny that I don't love you, I do. I want you every day in my life. I want you because I exist for you. You have happened to me, and my life can't have meaning without you. But this," I pointed at us, "This won't mean anything if another woman still claims you. It won't mean anything if you belong to another."

He pulled his hands from me and walked to the small couch in the room.

"If you remove my business affiliations, I am almost a righteous man. I am ruthless in business, I am unforgiven, but I live a pathetic life for a man." My heart shattered at the raw pain in his voice. I wanted to go to him, but I stopped myself. This was it, he was telling me about himself.

"When I was 16, I killed my father, in self-defense. My dad, aside from being a billionaire, was a skilled boxer, who used me and my mum most times for practice. My mother, bless her soul, shielded me a lot of times when the devil entered him. There was only so much she could do. He came back home drunk one day, having spent the previous night in one of his mistress's houses. Most of the domestic staff had resigned; the women left because of sexual harassment, and the men left because they were physically abused. At sixteen, I paid them off and gave them a non-disclosure agreement to sign and keep quiet."

I couldn't stand the turmoil on his face, so I walked up to him and sat on the arm of the couch where I held him.

"He came home that night, drunk. He demanded dinner, but mum was sick and ridden in bed. I came home late from soccer practice to find her in that state. My father walked into her room and beat her purple for not preparing dinner. I screamed and begged for him to leave her alone, but he paid no heed and punched me several times. So, I ran downstairs to call the cops, but when I got back upstairs, he had a gun to my sick mother's head, threatening that he'd kill her and be done with her. He claimed he was powerful and could get away with murder."

I didn't know when the tears came, but I did know that some things were becoming clearer to me.

"I ran to him begging him not to kill my mother. He slapped me around, and unfortunately for him, the gun fell. I was faster than him, so I picked it up. He made to grab it from me while punching me, and that was when I heard the bang."

I sat on his lap and rocked him. My heart couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to share the pain with him, or I wanted to take it away from him. This man had suffered what any child shouldn't go through, and it hurt me that he had to go through that.

"My mum was already passed out from the beating so there was no one to help me because my dad died on top of me. The police found us like that."

"I am so sorry Damon."

"You don't need to be Alexandria; the world is rid of one less evil. A few months later, my mother died in my arms, after making me promise that I would never be like my father. She made me take an oath that I would remain faithful to Lynette forever. I'm sure my father-in-law filled you in, on the part where I met Lynette."

"You knew?"

"Yes. Josh called me when he couldn't find you. And after you returned, he told me everything."

"Alexandria," he continued, "I grew up with the consciousness that I was going to keep the promises I made to my mother. I know, Lynette is cheating on me. I had known for a while. She doesn't love me anymore; I don't even know if she ever did. But part of me wanted her to change, to be a better woman so that I could be proud of my life in some way. I had a terrible childhood, and I was, and still hoping that my adulthood would be better. I do want a divorce, but I'm scared of disappointing my mother. It sounds stupid, but I think myself to be a man of virtue, who wishes to be faithful and loyal."

I knelt in front of him and rocked him, "I am so sorry for your loss, for everything Damon. I understand now."

"I want you to know that you happened to me. My life meant nothing until you came into it. If I could leave all this, and run away with you, I'd leave in a heartbeat. I belong to you. You own me. I exist for you. You, are everything to me Alexandria, every damn thing. I am possessed by you, and I'd die if you ever left me."

He knelt too, holding my face with both his hands, "Stay with me. Stay with me and watch me choose you."

So, I nodded, agreeing to do whatever he said; because this man meant the world to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did anybody cry with me?

Poor Damon, my heart goes out to him.