Her Sanctuary

15.A month down, forever?

Avinash POV

I lay with Sabina rubbing circles on her back in my apartment as she was lost in thinking. It had been over a month since she had started her work and we had started our little sneaking and steamy sessions in my apartment.

"What's wrong?" I ask sensing her to be a little off today as she slowly turns to face me in the bed.

"It's my wedding anniversary tomorrow." She says as I huff.

"You need to get him out of your life. You can't think of a 5 inch while lying with someone over 7 and half. It's an insult." I say with a serious dead tone and sarcasm in my voice as she chuckles and shakes her head nuzzling into me.

That was not planned. I didn't want her to shut down, but I shouldn't have been so jealous either.

"I was kidding. You know you can share anything with me, right?" I ask as she nods without looking at me.

"Sabina, people are not always what we want them to be and that hurts. But it's not our fault." I say as she slowly tilts her head looking in my eyes for a moment and then sits up putting the sheets over her exposed chest.

"I thought my whole life would change, the day I married him. I would finally have a family of my own and I wouldn't need to belong to anybody. Not my parents and not Jeet and Naina aunty and here I am... living in their house, divorced and with a son." She said as something shifted inside me.

"Move in with me?" I say the words before I could think them through.

"You... You mean as... No... my family will hate me and my biological parents already hate me for taking a divorce and if I do that they won't let my siblings see me anymore. I'll be even more of a shame for my family." She says throwing the sheet away and picking up her shirt, wearing it over her head.

"Sabina... Wait... stop... Please..." I say as she slides her underwear on, followed by her jeans. I could physically stop her, but I would never come between a girl and her clothes. I would never threaten someone's modesty and steep down to such a low.

"Avinash... I don't want to do this again. I can't. I'm not letting a guy swoop in my life and take the reins. The fear that one day he'll just throw the reins carelessly or whip me with those is instilled deep inside me." She says as I nod and quickly slip on my boxers.

"I get it, you know that right?" I say as she shakes her head.

"It's not the same." She says and I nod.

"You're right. It's not the same. But do you know everything about me? No, you don't. Just a small incident some 18 years ago and all I've done is fuck my way through every girl in this town hoping I would.... I would feel something... And let me tell you Sabina... We are independent adults with needs and every time you physically let someone in whom you don't care about, you lose a piece of yourself. I wanted to keep losing those pieces until there was no more of me left. I know how it feels to run away from commitments and fear attachment. Losing control scares the shit out of me and I don't want you to do anything that you aren't comfortable with, but please... please... don't leave?" I say getting on my knees and join my hands crossing my fingers.

"Avi..." she says kneeling down with me holding my face in her hands.

"I... That's..."

"Please... I'm lost without you." I say knowing I meant every word of it.

"Do you feel something... with me?" she asks as I nod.

"Not everybody gets 7 and half inches twice in their life." I say trying to subtly wipe my ready to erupt tears as she rolls her eyes.

"It's not normal to... get so attached with everyone you... fuck?" she says reminding me that she lost her virginity to that douchebag husband of hers.

"No."

"Will you let me in on this, if I stay?" she says as my eyes widened. I stood up and reached for my shirt.

"Then you'd better leave." I say.

"Why?"

"Because you would leave, if you knew... and you would leave with a very big piece of my soul." I say as she sits down on the edge of the bed.

"That's what you think... Not what's the reality. It's fine if you don't want to tell me. I'll see you day after tomorrow?" she says not once forcing me to open up.

"Why not tomorrow?"

"It's Sunday. I won't leave the house for office, so how can I meet you?" she says as I nod.

"Okay..." I say and smile kissing her goodbye. I perform my usual security check tracking her phone until I watch her enter home safely.

I think about how close I was to breaking as I shake my head and walk towards the bathroom for a cold shower. I stand under the freezing water as the smell of blood, and shit felt near and close by again.

I could feel my heart racing and my breath grow ragged as moments passed until I decided to stagger towards my room dripping water until I reached my cupboard and found the hidden PTSD medication. I took two pills instead of one and ran to the bottle of water kept on the night stand gulping it in. I sat on the bed trying to pull myself together as the 11 year old inside me struggled to live. Images and clips in a disorderly manner played in my brain as I punched my own temple until I could feel my breath grow even.

I closed my eyes as my head started getting heavy. I placed my head on the pillow and my thoughts faded into darkness, my memories being sucked into a black abyss.