Her Sanctuary

35. Frost

+++++Avinash POV+++++

I drove through the heavy rain, as I called my father. The phone was connected to the Bluetooth speaker, as he finally woke up at the second call's almost last ring.

"Hello" He says sleepily, as I gulp the saliva in my throat.

"It's... mom..." I whispered the last word, barely audible.

"Avinash... Child, What's wrong? It's too late." He says worried.

"It's Mohi... I got a call from the hospital." I say remembering the conversation. I was about to disconnect hearing her name, but the doctor sounded... grave. The doctor informed me of her condition and I had asked him to mail the bill for her treatment.

He had told me that there was no treatment that could save her. She was going into complete organ failure and all I could do was be there with her, for her last breath.

I felt like a shitty son... To a shitty mother.

"What happened?" he says, as I choke on my words.

"Dad... I need you." I say like a little boy as tears overwhelm my sense of control. I slow the car, and take a breath before focusing on the road.

This was the first time in 2 decades that I had called him dad.

"The address?" he says, as I hear shuffling, of blankets or clothes.

+++++++++++++++

I parked outside the hospital that was a 2 hours drive from my new home. I sat there staring at the building, as years of torment and torture flashed before my eyes. There was anger raising his head like an angry snake and there was frustration.

Why was I here? Why did I drive here at this hour, in this weather for a woman who did nothing for me? Did I ask to be born? No, she brought me into this world and abandoned me.

I sat there as smell of men reeking of alcohol and drugs from memory churred up nostalgia.

"Avi..." I hear a knock on the car window as I was distracted from my thoughts and brought back into the cold of the dawn out of the memories of the old shack we lived in. I looked at the light shining on the horizon above the buildings as the darkness started to fade.

I got out of the car and looked at the man who was my father.

"I was sexually abused when I was 10." I say looking at him, with tears in my eyes as his mouth opens wide. "The man didn't give my mother that necklace because of her looks or her pussy. It was because how tight my anus was for his dick."

I couldn't bear the weight of my body in that moment as I sit on the cement pavement with my back to the car. I look up to see my father, who had removed his spectacles and was wiping his tears.

"I'm sorry." He says as I shake my head.

"Why are you sorry? She... She should be sorry." I say pointing to the hospital building. "She's not a mother. She's... She's a witch who cursed my life."

My father sat down in front of me and cupped my face.

"This will be hard, Avinash. But you have a bright future. A baby of your own that you will know how not to raise. Let her go... Let her go with a smile. Let that past not haunt you anymore." He says as I hug him tightly collapsing into tears. It was after another 10 minutes of me wailing like a little child, that I finally made my way to the ICU.

The doctor opened the door for me, as she opened her deep blue eyes the color of an infinite ocean. Her shaky hand removed her oxygen mask, as Ravdeep entered behind me.

There was a look of confusion and delirium in her eyes , as she brought her free hand to the one connected to IV. She joined both her hands, to my father with guilt and shame hovering over the clear blue.

"Sor... Sorry." She barely whispers as I try to put the oxygen mask back on her face. She shakes her head and doesn't allow me. "You... met him... That's... That's all..."

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I saw the flat line on the monitor next to her, as her eyes stood focused on my face.

"Do... so something." I told the doctor as he shook his head.

"She's DNR. We're sorry." He says keeping a supportive hand on my father's shoulder and left.

"That's... That's all? That's all she had to say? She said sorry to you... She didn't even apologize to me, for what she did... To my body, to my mind, to the fragile heart of a child. She didn't even..."

My father came up and shut her wide open eyes., and put the cloth to cover her face.

"You're not a child. You're a strong man. And I'm proud of you. Don't you ever forget that and wherever she is... She is proud of you too. No matter what." He says as I hug him breaking into tears again.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I came back to my apartment after I set fire to the pyre of my mother. I was thankful that I had this place on rent for another month according to the contract. I took an extended leave, and changed from the white kurta pyjama into a black tshirt and jeans.

Ambar had asked me if I wanted his company. I didn't. I called the local gurudwara and told them I wanted the arrangements for a Sehaj path of 9 days to be observed in the memory of my mother. Ravdeep was ready to do it, at his house but it didn't make sense.

He wasn't her husband anymore. I was still her son. I had to set fire to her pyre and I should be the one observing this tradition at my place. I had to fulfill all the responsibilities to be followed after her death. I set an alarm and told Ambar and a few close ones for taking her ashes to the water tomorrow.

We didn't bring my mother here, as I was so lost with everything going around. We took her directly to the crematorium from the hospital and Sabina had met me there. She wanted to come along here as well, but I had told Jeet Uncle that she needs to take care of herself and the child. She would be better off with Naina aunty, since I could barely take care of myself let alone her, the unborn child and Danish.

She could have taken care of me, but I didn't want that right now.

I had lost a big part of myself today.

A part that had made my life the mess it was, but led me to the beauty it was today. The struggle had eventually paid off, and the pain had led to happiness. The sun had risen and the rain had finally stopped.

The part of my life that had held me to my past and haunted my future was gone. But, I had no idea why I was still physically in pain and my cheeks were wet with tears.